Help me what to do, I want make my marriage successful?

Question

I got married 3.5 yrs. before, I found my wife very hyper & hash to everyone
In my family. So many times I tried to make her understand but she refuses to listen to me
As her stubborn nature. I’m a social businessman but she never understands my problems
& difficulties.Becase of her this aggressiveness I lost my newly born baby.
Now she blames on me for this accident every time. After this I underwent to depression.
But still her behavior is same. (After 2 months of my marriage we found she is suffering from psoriasis so I took her to Doc.he told us the treatment will start after pregnancy
Then after all these I took her to Doctor He said while the course of medi. We should not try for baby, but even she does not take the medicines)
E
Once I tried to tell my in-laws about my problem but they
Again blamed me for these all.
These all happened 2 yrs. back, after these all her mother got sick seriously (she loves her widow mother lie anything)
She stayed couple of months with her. When she came back again she is behaving same.
Kindly help me How to solve this problem as I can't discuss this with my mother-in-law & other relations.

Answer 1

I WROTE YOU A LONG ONE HERE, AND YOU MAY NOT LIKE SOME OF IT, BUT NOTHING IS SUGAR COATED, AND IT'S ALL STRAIGHTFORWARD......

READ ON IF YOU DARE.


FIRST OF ALL, YOU SHOULD NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS TO ANYONE ELSE OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE, EXCEPT FOR A THERAPIST. IT VIOLATES THE INTIMCAY AND TRUST IN YOUR MARRIAGE, AND MAKES THINGS WORSE. PEOPLE (ESPECIALLY FAMILY MEMBERS THAT ARE EMOTIONALLY INVESTED), WILL SEE A ONE-SIDED PICTURE AND BE FORCED TO CHOOSE A SIDE.

OVERCOME YOUR TEMPTATION TO VILLIFY YOUR PARTNER AND TO FURTHER JUSTIFY YOUR OWN POSITION. IT IS UNFAIR, MEAN-SPIRITED, AND COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

SECOND, REMEMBER THAT NOT EVERYONE THINKS JUST LIKE YOU DO. WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN PERCEPTIONS AND PERSPECTIVES ABOUT THINGS, AND EVERYONE'S FEELINGS ARE LEGITIMATE, (EVEN IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND OR AGREE WITH THEM). YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM THE WEIGHT THEY DESERVE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE EMPATHY. THAT MEANS YOU LISTEN TO HER PERCEPTIONS, AND YOU ACCEPT THEM (EVEN IF YOUR INTENTIONS WERE MISREAD). tHIS GIVES YOU INSIGHT INTO HOW SHE IS THINKING, AND WHAT SHE IS FEELING, AND WHY. IT ALSO GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SET HER STRAIGHT WITH WHAT YOUR TRUE INTENTIONS WERE.

HERE'S AN EXAMPLE: YOU COME HOME FROM WORK, TIRED AND AGITATED. YOU SIT DOWN AT THE COMPUTER AND START TO SURF. YOU JUST WANT TO FORGET YOUR BAD DAY. YOU ARE EXAHUSTED AND EMOTIONALLY DRAINED FROM 'KEEPING IT TOGETHER' ALL DAY. YOUR WIFE ENTERS THE ROOM AND SHE IS UPSET THAT YOU FORGOT TO PICK UP THE DRY CLEANING. SHE IS ALSO UPSET WHEN YOU DON'T ANSWER HER QUESTION ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT FOR DINNER. SHE GETS MAD AND CALLS YOU A NAME, AND SAYS YOU DON'T LOVE AND APRECIATE HER. THIS IS A CLASSIC MISUNDERSTANDIG.

DAMAGE CONTROL: TAKE A MOMENT TO SHOW SOME EMPATHY. "HONEY, I AM SORRY OF YOU THOUGHT I WAS IGNORING YOU. I UNDERSTAND HOW I MADE MYSELF LOOK TO YOU, COMING HOME AND UNPLUGGING. YOU PROBABLY ARE REALLY UPSET WITH ME AND THINK I AM AN UNGRATEFUL CLOD." (LET THIS SINK IN FOR A MINUTE, AND LET HER TELL YOU HOW SHE FEELS, WITHOUT DEFENDING YOURSELF).
THEN, SAY TO HER "I AM SORRY TO GIVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION. I HAD A DEMANDING DAY AND NEEDED A MOMENT IN MY CAVE, AND I WAS NOT READY TO BE AVAILABLE TO YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND I WILL MAKE DINNER. YOU MUST HAVE HAD A HARD DAY YOURSELF, DEALING WITH THE YARD, THE PETS, THE KIDS, AND THE LAUNDRY. AND I AM SORRY FOR FORGETTING THE DRY CLEANING. I JUST WANTED TO COME STRAIGHT HOME AND FEEL WELCOME AND UNPRESSURED. FOR A MINUTE, YOUR DISPLEASURE SEEMED LIKE YET, ANOTHER DEMAND. (GIVE HUG AND KISS HERE). I REALIZE NOW, THAT YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME.

WHEN YOU GIVE YOUR TIME, IT SHOWS RESPECT. WHEN YOU ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND HER EXPERIENCE FROM HER PERSPECTIVE, IT DEMONSTRATED SINCERITY. WHEN YOU TAKE OWNERSHIP WITHOUT DEFENDING YOURSELF, IT SHOWS YOU ACCEPT HER PERCEPTION OF THINGS. THIS ALL ONLY TAKES A MINUTE OR SO, BUT REMEMBERING TO MAKE THE EFFORT IS TOUGH...

WE ARE ALL 'RIGHT' IN OUR OWN MINDS. THAT IS CALLED SELF-PRESERVATION. IT SOMETIMES MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT THAT OTHERS HAVE THEIR OWN VIEW, AND SOMETIMES THEIRS IS IN CONFLICT WITH OURS. WE WOULD BE IGNORANT TO TRY TO FORCE OUR VIEWS ON OTHERS, AND TO TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO SEE IT OUR WAY. FIRST, SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE YOU EXPECT TO BE UNDERSTOOD.

CRITICISM AND EVALUATING ONLY WORKS AGAINST YOU. A MARRIAGE IS NOT A PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP, AND THERE SHOULD NEVER BE A STRUGGLE FOR AUTHORITY. IT IS A PARTNERSHIP OF TWO EQUALS WORKING TOGETHER. LEARNING TANGO AND SALSA DANCING IS A PHYSICAL EXAMPLE OF WHAT A PARTNERSHIP SHOULD BE LIKE.....PLUS IT'S GOOD EXERCISE AND A FUN WAY TO RELIEVE STRESS. (ROMANTIC, TOO). TAKE YOUR WIFE TO DANCE CLASSES, AND FORGET YOUR AWKWARDNESS, MAKE IT ALL ABOUT HER. SHE WILL LOVE THIS, AND IT WILL GET YOU LAID.

YOU SEEM TO DO A LOT OF BLAMING, CONVINCING, CRITICIZING, AND VOLUNTEERING TO BE A PROFESSIONAL VICTIM. SHE WILL NEVER SEE THINGS YOUR WAY WITH THESE ATTITUDES. SORRY IF THAT'S HARD TO HEAR, BUT I REFUSE TO SUGAR COAT IT FOR YOU.

PEOPLE WHO SPEND LOTS OF TIME TOGETHER, FORGET TO ACTIVELY FULFILL EACH OTHER. THEY FORGET TO KEEP TRYING TO WIN EACH OTHER OVER, DATE, AND FLIRT. THEY ASSUME THAT THEIR PARTNER SHOULD JUST AUTOMATICALLY KNOW HOW THEY THINK, AND THEIR PARTNER SHOULD BE FULFILLED BY THEIR MERE PRESENCE. THEY BECOME SELF-ABSORBED AND MAKE IT "ALL ABOUT ME, WHAT MAKES ME COMFORTABLE, WHAT I THINK, AND WHAT I WANT". THEY FORGET TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND. PRESSURES AND DEMANDS CAUSE PARTNERS TO WITHDRAW EMOTIONALY FROM EACH OTHER, AND CAUSE RESENTMENTS TO GROW.

THE ONLY REAL 'WORK' IN A MARRIAGE, IS TO REMEMBER TO NOT DO THAT. REMEMBER WHEN YOU FIRST GOT TOGETHER, HOW YOUR PRIORITY WAS TO "SEEK TO UNDERSTAND" AND TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH HER NOW, IS TO DECIDE THAT YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDS A HERO. MODIFY YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR, AND IT WILL INSPIRE HER TO MODIFY HERS. IT WON'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, AND YOU WILL NOT SEE CHANGES OVERNIGHT, BUT YOU HAVE TO STICK TO THE PLAN. SHE WILL START TO RESPOND DIFFERENTLY TO YOU WHEN YOU TAKE A DIFFERENT APPROACH. PRETEND YOU ARE ON CAMERA, AND WILL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR......

INSTEAD OF CRITICIZING HER BEHAVIOR WITH YOUR FAMILY, FIND OUT WHY SHE IS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THEM FIRST, THEN AFTER EXPLORING THAT, LET HER KNOW THAT IT HURTS YOU THAT SHE DOESN'T ACCEPT THEM. SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T FEEL ACCEPTED BY THEM, AND RIGHTFULLY SO, IF YOU HAVE BEEN VILLIANIZING HER TO THEM. (THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SHARE YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS WITH ANYONE).

AND HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF ASSUMING THAT SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR WORK CHALLENGES, WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER FOR REAL, HOW SOME OF THESE CHALLENGES MAKE YOU FEEL INADEQUATE OR INSECURE IN YOUR ABILITIES, AND LIKE YOU CAN NEVER MEET THE CONSTANT DEMANDS. SHE CAN DEFINITELY UNDERSTAND THAT.

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IS WHEN YOU SHARE WITH YOUR PARTNER, ALL OF YOUR SECRET DOUBTS, FEARS, INSECURITIES, DESIRES, AND EVERYTHING ELSE YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANOTHER SOUL. IT IS A BOND THAT COMES AND GOES IN A MARRIAGE. AT PRESENT, YOURS HAS GONE, BUT YOU CAN GET IT BACK. IT IS EXTREMELY LIBERATING, ONCE YOU DOWNLOAD TO SOMEONE, KNOWING THEY WILL NOT REPEAT IT TO ANONE, EXPLOIT IT, OR HURT YOU USING IT AGAINST YOU. YOU APPARENTLY HAVE SOME FENCES TO MEND, TO GET HER TRUST BACK (AFTER DISCLOSING YOUR PROBLEMS TO FAMILY).. SO YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE FIRST FEW STEPS. YOU WILL SURPRISE YOURSELF HOW LIGHT YOU FEEL ONCE YOU "DOWNLOAD" TO HER.....

YOU WILL BE SURPRISED , WHEN YOU START TELLING HER HOW YOUR WORK CHALLENGES MAKE YOU FEEL, HONESTLY, AT HOW UNDERSTANDING SHE IS. WOMEN ARE MUCH MORE EMOTIONALLY PERCEPTIVE THAN MEN. IT IS BOTH HURTFUL AND INSULTING WHEN YOU LIE ABOUT STUFF, OR WITHHOLD STUFF FROM US. WE HATE IT WHEN YOU BUILD A WALL AROUND YOUR SECRET FEELINGS, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THEM. (IT'S THE WAY MEN ARE SOCIALIZED TO BEHAVE, SO DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY). YOU WILL BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED AT HOW SHE RUSHES TO YOUR SIDE TO SUPPORT YOU AND REMIND YOU OF HOW CAPABLE, APPRECIATED, AND VALUABLE YOU ARE TO YOUR COMPANY, AND AT HOME.....THIS IS THE KIND OF SUPPORT YOU WANTM YOU NEED, AND YOU ARE MISSING.

ADDITIONALLY, QUIT BLAMING HER FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR CHILD. IT MAY FEEL LIKE IT HAS TO BE SOMEONE'S FAULT, OR THERE HAS TO BE A REASON THAT EXPLAINS IT, BUT YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT, AND ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THE CLOSURE YOU DESIRE. THIS IS WHERE YOU TOW NEED TO PROPERLY GREIVE, AND WHERE SOME TURN TO RELIGION TO GOVE THEM COMFORT. IF YOU'RE NOT RELIGIOUS, IT HELPS TO DOWNLOAD TO EACH OTHER OR A COMMUNITY OF FRIENDS WHO CARE.

YOU HAVE TO DROP OFF THE BAGGAGE. BAGGAGE CONTAMINATES RELATIONSHIPS. THINK OF IT LIKE PICKING UP POOP AND STICKING IT IN YOUR POCKET. IT BEGINS TO BECOME UNBEARABE, AND NO ONE WANTS YOU AROUND.

BAGGAGE CAN TAKE ON THE FORM OF OLD GRUDGES, HURT FEELINGS, RESENTMENTS, AND ASSUMPTIONS. "HE/SHE JUST DOESN'T GET IT". BAGGAGE GOES AWAY WHEN YOU ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PARTNER'S PERCEPTION OF SOMETHING, AND DEMONSTRATE YOU 'GET IT'.........

SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER AND RESOURCES YOU NEED TO RESOLVE THESE PROBLEMS. YOU JUST HAVE TO DECIDE THAT YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT AND JUSTIFIED. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE. YOU HAVE TO COMMIT TO REMEMBERING THAT PEOPLE THINK AND PERCEIVE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. YOU HAVE TO COMMIT TO TAKING A MOMENT BEFORE REACTING, AND FIND OUT WHY. YOU HAVE TO DECIDE TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD, AND NEVER ACT OUT OF SPITE AND MAKE THINGS WORSE. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO FORGIVE YOURSELF AND YOU PARTNER FOR FALLABILITIES. YOU HAVE TO DEICDE THAT YOU DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO UNDERSTAND HER.

SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND FIRST, IS THE BEST WAY TO MAKE YOURSELF UNDERSTOOD.

Answer 2

To love someone for the rest of your life is an active decision, which means always putting them first. It requires complete openness, effective communication and the sharing of deepest feelings. The result is a unity, not a compromise, which takes both parties through a voyage of discovery to continually growing love and happiness. A sense of humour!
The secret for a happy marriage is for the wife to make it clear immediately that she is in charge of everything while at the same time convincing her husband that he calls all the shots. As long as she never realizes the truth, she will think she is happy which is all that matters. relationship, is respect for oneself, and for your loved one. Communication is also a vital part of it as it's good to talk... no need to build up all that anxiety within yourself! OH and smiles... a smile is contagious as the famous saying goes!You have to tell each other "I love you" and to say it every day. Be prepared to give more and take less. Talk more when there are problems as two can work things out better than one. Many relationships fail because of poor communications. Put your partner first and the relationship will get better as time goes by ;)

Answer 3

Congratulations, you have taken the first step to making a marriage last, you want to make it last. The next step is to remember that you have no control over anyone but yourself. So that means the only person you can change is yourself. This is very hard to do, especially when it seems you are the only one working on the marriage. You need to examine your life. Are you listening to her? Is there anything that you do that makes her feel like you don't love her? Do you spend enough time with her? Do you support her in her health issues? Do you share your life with her? As you look to yourself you will see more of her, and her needs.

I have found that as I make changes to better meet the needs of my spouse, the problems we are having get smaller. My spouse is more willing to work with me because of the work I am doing. And we are back to a happy place in our marriage.

The hard thing about marriage is that it is a daily decision. You both have to wake up everyday and decide that you love eachother, and want to spend forever with eachother. Think about why you wanted to marry her in the first place. Do things to reminder her why she married you.

Its easy to blame the spouse for problems, and much harder to take responsibility and act on it. You know how much it hurts to be blamed for problems, don't spread the hurt.

Lastly, I would advise some kind of mediation, if it is a religious leader or marriage councelor it will open the doors to communication, where you will both find where the problems are, and what each of you need to do, and have done to make the marriage work.

Answer 4

Thank god that you don't have any child. There cannot be any patch-up chance with your wife since if she is aggresive then she is going to stay aggressive all her life. There are three ways to solve this issue. 1. Mutually discuss that we are not made for each other hence we should seek a divorce because we cannot spend our whole life fighting. 2. If she does not agree to divorce, you decide to leave the house. 3. if even this is not possible then try hearing audio discourse from this site http://oshoworld.com . I am sure that you will get some message from his discourse and will help you in deciding future course of action.

Answer 5

Sometimes aggressiveness is the other side of depression or its an odd expression of fear. Your wife may be very depressed and she needs help. Give her a choice, couple's therapy (marriage counseling), individual therapy, or clergy counseling. If she does not take any of the above, tell her you will leave your attorney's business card on her nightstand. Sometimes tough love is the only thing that works eith those that are very close to us.

Answer 6

now as she is your wife it is your responsibility for a good relation ....you asking this qt
itself shows what kind a relationship you r sharing with her
you have to take time for her take her out in some nice place appreciate her share your problems
and tell her this thing to her
she will definitely change and now that you have taken this step you could bring a wonderful change........good that you took a step because sometimesin a relationship it becomes too late because none of the two are evn ready to care about relationship and realise once its too late
good i like it
god bless your marriage

Answer 7

i think you need to step back a little,because relationships are like rubberbands..go further a little,when you come back again maybe she will understand and love you more,You need to breathe a while,just be patient and stay cool,don't deal with her too much and when she understands that something has changed in you and you are not the same man you'll seem more attractive to her..

Answer 8

Sorry to hear about this. Speak to the doctor & tell him what's going on. She needs to take her medicine & you don't know how to help her. You are in a tough spot. How can you help someone that doesn't seem to want to help themselves. I'm afraid that if she's unwilling, there's not much you can do about it. Maybe she needs to see a therapist, that will help her realize that she needs help. Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

Dont really do this but it sprang to mind when I read your question. It's an old english saying that goes... A wife, a dog and an apple tree...the more you beat them the better they be. Seriously, if she is that messed up you dont really have a hope of changing things..sorry.

Answer 10

you NEVER NEVER discuss your marriage problems with her or your family.. get it?
her family is her family- they will side with her

Go see a marriage councelor but don NOt tell anyone in the family

NEVER air your dirty laundry

Answer 11

just let go if you cant manage, is not everything can be talk over, use you brain be wise or i should say be clever.