My brother just had a short talk with my dad this afternoon & he told him that am a "Total failure" in life just because i previously failed to finish college when i was supposed to a few years ago. But that was so unfair of him to say because i resumed college last year & hope to graduate anytime soon. Am sorry to say this but he's always been a very critical person & hadly appreciates anything i do. Do you think its because of his own insecurities?
I have held a good job for the last 2 years & perform really well. My boss & clients like me alot & am truly grateful for that.
When my brother called & told me what my dad said, i didn't get annoied though was hurt to hear that. Am proud of myself that i haven't got annoied & don't plan to because i have matured & don't have time to hold grudges with people. Life is too short for that. I moved out of home a few years ago but visit my parents some weekends & am shocked that they felt about me this way all along. I have a step mum ..hmm!
2006-09-21 05:19:04 · 19 answers · asked by kabira 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My father is the same way. He would rather tell me about my faults then tell me he loves me.
The best thing to do would be to distance yourself from him and live your own life the way you want. If you finished college - good for you! If you didn't - it doesn't matter! I didn't finish college and I have a great job that pays well and I am doing the absolute best I can. Try not to let his words hurt you - he is probably just having a hard time with his own life and needs to take it out on others to make himself feel better.
2006-09-21 05:20:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yep, been there, done that. Consider the source. If your dad is critical on an ongoing basis, then we wouldn't expect anything less of him, right? But, it still hurts, and rightly so...he IS your father. What I had to do was except/grieve the fact that I probably will never get acceptance and true love from my father. I choose to have a limited relationship with him and my mum, because I don't want to be around an extremely negative force that much. I'm sorry that this is your reality and I wish you luck in your studies! I'm routin' for you!
:::edit::: Just curious, what is it about your brother that seemed it a good idea to relay the negative information from his conversation with your dad? Did he think you were having too good of a day?
2006-09-21 05:26:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes people even ones closest to us can be cruel - sorry. Sounds as if your Dad is judging you because you did not live up to HIS expectations. Perhaps he had higher expectations of you because he made some mistakes in his life and didin't want you to repeat them. This is unfair since you sound as if you've got you life pretty well in order.
I have been in your Dad's position where I was very critical of my son until my wife and sister both told me what a wonderful kid my boy really is. I had to agree and I finally accepted that just because he is not toing what I think he should does not make him a bad or stupid person. He is 21 and headed to the Marines as an intelligence analyst - his IQ entry scores and some college put him off the charts as far as what he could do in the Corps. He works hard, doesn't ask me for money and respects people. It would be nice if you could have stick up for you even if it is you. Good Luck to you
2006-09-21 07:02:03 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry. My dad said very negative things to me when I was growing up and the final straw was a few years ago when he told a friend of his that I was his "bad child". In reality, I am the most successful of his children, and I also thought I had been the closest to him. He made it clear to his friend (in front of me) that he was not proud of me, he was very disappointed in me and my decisions. It was very hurtful to me and it made me realize that all my life he has been toxic for me. It did not matter how successful or beautiful I was, or how smart I was, or what I did for him, he was never going to be the dad I wanted him to be - caring, supportive, loving. So I confronted him about it. For me it did not work out. He denied that he had even said these things. I made the difficult decision to distance myself from him and I have not seen him since the confrontation. And I can honestly say, that was the best decision! I am so much happier without his constant negativity. Since then I have been even more successful! Life is much too short to let people say things like you are a failure. It may be his own insecurity but that is not your fault and you shouldn't be punished for that. I recommend distancing yourself from your father for your own good!
2006-09-21 06:55:09 · answer #4 · answered by longhorn fan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like it is time to stop listening to what your dad says. Now that you know he will say hurtful things, it is your responsibility to put yourself outside of his range.
Knowing why he says such things (ie insecurity) won't help you because what he says will still hurt IF and only if you hear it.
If you cannot redeem yourself in his eyes, continue to improve yourself as you already have done. Your academic and vocational accomplishments are laudable, and since your dad won't give you credit, you must give it to yourself.
If your brother starts telling you what your dad said about you, cut him off. Don't let him gossip in this way as it is hurtful to you.
You will always be sensitive to how your dad views you, so don't feel bad if you cannot get over this. Gradually, true and full accomplishments will render the barbs he hurls harmless, and you will start to pity a man who cannot admire his daughter who fell down but got back up.
2006-09-21 06:15:16 · answer #5 · answered by adamsjrcn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Parents make mistakes too! When I have found myself overly critical it is always because I want the best for my children. Sometimes a parent has to step back and take a look at the situation and appreciate what a child has done instead of what they have not done.
Be honest with your Dad...I'm sure he never meant for you to hear that comment and I'm sure he will feel badly for making you hurt.
2006-09-21 05:34:39 · answer #6 · answered by Buff 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound like a very smart and loving person. Why would your brother tell you this knowing that it would hurt you? Sounds like he may have insecurities of his own. For myself i would have a talk with "dad" and tell him exactlly how you feel. He may not want to hear it all but i think it would make you feel better. After all this is about you and not him. Dad may be old and set in his ways and not willing to change but it doesn't mean that you have to be that ways too.
2006-09-21 07:39:08 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is possible that your Dad may be of little different nature. But please keep in mind that parents are only persons in the world who love their child during their entire life. Just discuss with him as to what upsets him. Ask him to tell you where you have been incorrect or not upto his expectations. I hope after that open conversations, you will be able to understand him more. Don't forget to wish him on his birthday/wedding day or send him nice gifts. He is your father. He must be loving you. Even if he does not, God is there to take care. Don't be so sensitive, just try to improve things in life and strive for your aim, carefully.
2006-09-21 05:27:30 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
have you ever thought that it is not you that is the failure, but you are his failure. As a parent we want our children to grow up and have a happy and secure life, one that is better than what we have. We work hard for 18 to 24 years trying to achieve that goal. When a child does not meet the expectations and goals that we have set for us to guide them to, then as a parent, somewhere along the line we have failed. by the sounds of it, you did not come out the way he wanted you to and therefore you are his "failure", he did not achieve what he set out to accomplish. As an adult, when you have a child, you will also have a "plan" of what you want your child to be like and you will try your hardest to get them there. If your child does not come out the way you wish, then you will understand, that it is that the child that failed, but you as a parent failed in someway.
2006-09-21 06:24:25 · answer #9 · answered by wonderingminds 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off you are not a falilure... and you maybe right it could be because of his own baggage that he is lugging around... It is hard when your family puts you down but you do learn a very valuable lesson ..when you have children you will probably be very suppoutive..... I learned this and my son turned out great... no matter what he does... You are strong and smart the world is yours!!!!!!
2006-09-21 05:29:25 · answer #10 · answered by Andi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋