my fathers sister recently passed away, he was'nt close to her and i never met her. i'm not particularly close to my own family anyway. i was the last one to find out and i was told i need'nt go to the funeral. i've just been ordered by the g/f to send a sympathy card to my father. in it i've written "our dearest sympathies on your loss, thinking of you so and so." i don't think this is an appropiate thing to do, should i rip the card up and tell the g/f to mind her own business? or is it acceptable to send your father a sympathy card on the death of a relative of his and yours?. i'm sorry for having to ask as i'm not very cultured.
2006-09-21 04:01:05 · 28 answers · asked by kremedcheeze 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Sending the card is a nice thing to do, though I think you should make it a little more personal than what you've written. Some flowers would also be a nice gesture. PS Your girlfriend only cares about you, and that's why she has suggested you do this. She deserves a big thanks for that, and not a telling off.
2006-09-21 05:12:51 · answer #1 · answered by Quilps 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First of all you sound really bitter through the whole of this question. The fact that you were told last. Which probably been something that has happened all through your life. Also it sounds like you've had previous problems with your family which is why you aren't close to them. It must be horrible to be told that you needn't come to the funeral like you don't belong.
1) This is just how I'm hearing the question so this is the way I will answer it.
2) If you have had problems with your family before I don't thin k your girlfriend should order you to send a card. She should wait for you to make a decision and then when you have made it be there to support you. This will make you resent her for not listening.
3) I think you should be there for your family if they are grieving. However I get the impression that you feel unwanted there. I think it's better to talk with someone on the phone then to send them a sympathy card. Sympathy cards are fine for that distant relative in Australia but I think they'd rather have you or nothing at all. If there has been a family feud then maybe it is best you send a card but otherwise I think it would be harsh and look unfeeling.
It seems that this question is a lot more about feeling left out, or something to do with your family then the actual card. You should ask the real question. (If there is one.)
Kim x
2006-09-21 04:18:16 · answer #2 · answered by Dreamer 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you don't mention grandparents, I would assume that if your aunt had any children, those are the people to whom a sympathy card would be addressed, not your father. Sounds like a very strange situation.
I understand what your girlfriend is trying to do here, though. But before trying to mend a distanced family, she should get to know more about the people involved.
When my husband and I were married, I wanted to send an invitation to his father whom there had been no contact with in over 10 years (and we did send the invitation, and he did come to the wedding). But first I spoke this over with my husband's mother and grandparents, to make certain there would be no misunderstandings or hard feelings, because when family issues are involved, the outsider should not tread on toes.
2006-09-21 05:55:29 · answer #3 · answered by JenV 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should give your father a sympathy card & atend the funeral. I imagine your father would appreciate the gestures, even if you aren't close. Nobody can ciriticise you for giving a card & attending, whrereas you might be criticised if you don't. I think you will feel better if you attend. A death is a time for a family to put aside differences & come together.
2006-09-21 05:55:09 · answer #4 · answered by Caro 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't see anything wrong with it personally.
Since you never even met her then you aren't really feeling any loss so I don't see a problem with sending such a card to your father.
Even if he wasn't close to his sister (my father wasn't close to his either) they must still have had some good times when they were kids together so he must be feeling some sort of loss.
I guess you are posting the card as you don't live close to your father and won't be seeing him in the near future.
If either of your grandparents (ie the parents of your father and his sister) are still alive it would probably be more appropriate to send a card to them, or certainly send them one as well.
Hope this is some help.
2006-09-21 04:16:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This isn't about you, or your father really, it's about paying respect to your aunt even if you didn't know her very well. A card in remembrance is little to ask, a small thoughtful gesture, and as you are asking, polite etiquette. A simple "Our thoughts are with you. Love,x" is completely genuine (as you wouldn't have asked here if it were otherwise) and wouldn't be hypocritical if that's what you are concerned with. If you still have the card that you have written send that - it's the standard response one would expect regardless of individual circumstance.
2006-09-21 04:15:05 · answer #6 · answered by scared&depressed 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
if you are obviously not that close then send the card, it would be nice . If you were close to your farther I think sending a card would be a bit odd but then you'd be around to offer support anyway. I think you should go to the funeral eitherway.
Close to your farther or not if you send the card it is time for a more heartfelt message than what you said.
2006-09-21 04:13:23 · answer #7 · answered by joe r 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is a bit odd to send a sympathy card to your father, like you say, it does not sound appropriate. If you did send one then I think you should write something a little more personal inside.
2006-09-21 04:13:07 · answer #8 · answered by holly1723 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe it's always good etiquette. Just because they're not close doesn't mean that her death doesn't affect him. Sometimes it affects them even more because they are generally not close due to some scuffle that survivors feel guilty about after the deceased is gone.
You can tell the girl friend to mind her own business, but is it possible she knows something you do not?
Maybe call your father and ask him how he's feeling about the death of his sister and then tell maybe verbally give him your condolences.
2006-09-21 05:26:56 · answer #9 · answered by Heather S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since this is an etiquette question, yes, you should send a card and maybe some flowers as well. It wouldn't hurt to say thank you to your g/f as well for pointing it out to you.
Etiquette is very important, whether you agree with it or not, it's the right thing to do.
2006-09-21 04:27:23 · answer #10 · answered by jarhed 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋