My husband......?

Question

We have been together for about 6 years and for the most part we get along great. About two years or so ago we began to fight/argue and the arguements escalated into physical abuse. Yes, he did hit me. I held in there for a little while but eventually I couldn't take it anymore so I went to a shelter and stayed for some time. The people there helped me to understand what was happening and I buit my strength back. My husband began councilling for abusive men, a 16 week course and came out of it a different person.
It's been a year since he finished his councilling and I talk to my councillors when I need them but lately, for about two or three months no my husband has become verbally abusive. He is calling me names, bringing up my past (like 25 years ago) and bringing up my inadequesies (we all have some, right?)
I have asked him why and he doesn't know. He is always sorry for talking to me that way and when I threaten to leave he becomes terrified.

...he says he doesn't want me to go, he needs me.
The shelter where i stayed has a room for me whenever I need it and I keep in contact with them.
Am I setting myself up for worse in the future or is it really possible that he means it and really does want me to stay because he loves me?

Answer 1

I'm here to tell you he will never change..I am very sorry you are going thru this,t I have been there..After going to 7 shelters (yes i was the one that kept going back)...for 7 years he use and abuse me. He ended up in jail for 3 months..then for 2 years ...he went to groups and still no change....He cried and begged...( good men never cry)..And i just kept going back...and each time is worst..I ended up in the hospital with broken nose..2 inches away from my eye and needed reconstruction surgery..(.horrible the surgery).He threatend to stabb me on my neck and attempted to throw boiling hot water and oil on me.and kept me hostage with my daughter in my home....He went to jail so many times for breaking my order of protection...finally when the police saw that he will never change they deported him.....he have been in his country now for about 7 months..now ..My only fear is that he will cross the boarders...And i pray to god that he never cross the boarders...

Answer 2

I am sure he does love you. You are taking a chance , if you stay with him, that he will go back to hitting you. I would get out of the marriage and start over. Remember this is only my opinion you have to figure out what is best and safest for you. I hope that there are no children who have witnessed any of this. I have gone through the same thing, exactly, after he started back in with verbal abusive it then continued on to physical just like before. I ended up in the hospital and he went to jail. Don't make the same mistakes and I am positive your counselors are telling you the same. That he will start hitting you again! Be safe!

Answer 3

If he doesnt want you to leave, then tell him he must go back to counseling. If he wont, or if the abuse continues, you have to get out of the marriage.

This is a sad thing, but you CAN move on. There IS a good life out there for you. I wish you guys the best and hope you can get everything figured out. Think about what made you fall in love with him, and talk to him about it. If you two really love each other, youll get thru this bad stuff.

Answer 4

That is alot of stuff on your plate.
You know, as well as us, that this is not where you need to be.
it sucks big time that you have to even be thinking about it, let alone living a sometimes nightmare.
Your husband needs more than he has put into counseling. He needs a life time commitment of it, with the possiblity of no end.
Would that be so bad?
By the way: YES! We all ahve inadaquacies. Let's sit and type away to each other about them, and it'd take about 1 week. Even then, I don't know if get them all out. Truly, we re own worst enemies on that subject. It is not love to know a weakness in someone and disect them for it, so your man is in the wrong.
You do not have to be together to care about him. You need to take care of you, and hopefully he will follow suit.
Go out and do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane, whether it's education, exercise, cooking, whatever. Just do it.Build yourself back up to a strong woman that can overcome. You are that person.
I will send out good thoughts your way.

Answer 5

I went through the same thing, honey. If he loved you, he wouldn't call you names or bringing up things from your past in order to start an arguement with you.

You deserve someone who will treat you good, like a queen. I'm not telling you to get a divorce or to commit adultery but maybe you both need a break. I think he needs to go back to councilling.

My ex did, said he came back a better person and continued to do the same **** over and over again.

Be strong and definitely keep in close contact with that shelter.

Answer 6

Has he been treated for depression. Often, trying to fight the disease, males become very combative. Part of the problem here is the lack of any real recognition of depression in men, and the lack of significant programs for them. Even though men commit suicide several times more often than women, only female programs receive government funding under the violence against women act. It also bans the use of federal funding for programs for males, so other funding bills cannot be introduced.

Get him back into counseling, but not anger management. Get a handle on the depression, and the other should resolve itself.

Answer 7

Of course he 'needs' you. Who else is going to bully? Sure, he's "sorry". They're always sorry. I bet he says "It's the last time" and he'll "never do it ever again" too, am I right?

Listen, words or fists, it's still abuse. Get yourself back to the shelter, divorce him, and get on with your life. YOU deserve BETTER than this. Believe it. A husband should be your partner, your friend, your support, your love. People CAN change (even your husband got better for awhile), but your husband is still abusing you and you need to get outta there.

Answer 8

Therapy will do nothing for him. If it had worked, he wouldn't be back to his old ways. Don't be fooled by him and leave him already before you are dead! This man sounds like a control freak who is very insecure and needs to be locked up. Give yourself self-worth and move on and away from the situation. Good luck and take care!

Answer 9

I agree with Papa Bear.... He sounds depressed and needs to get some help. He probably does love you, but until he works through his own issues he will not be happy with life and he will porject his insecureties onto you.

I was depressed for 25 years and until I got councelling, I never understood how to change myself, my outlook and in turn my behavior. I feel so much better now that I have my depression under control and my family is happier too.

Please help him get in touch with a councellor or some sort of mental health program, for everyone's sake.... not just your own.

Answer 10

Verbal abuse can be worse that physical abuse sometimes.
If your leaving him last time prompted him to change, then do it again. Don't stay with an abusive person. He won't change on his own. He had help changing last time, and he needs it again. You won't be able to get a rational answer from him as to why he does it, so don't bother asking.

Good luck.