One of my coworkers just got married about a month ago. Her husband has a 10 yr. old daughter and the bio-mom sent this letter to my coworker (the stepmom). I thought it was so funny, I got a copy of it.
"Since you have married Mike, you are now Ashley's stepmother and I feel that if we are to have a friendly relationship, we need to establish some groundrules, as far as your involvement with Ashley goes.
1) Mike and I are Ashleys parents. You are not her mother, you are her stepmother. Even when she is in your home, I am still her parent, and I expect you to not go against my wishes and rights as her mother.
2) Mike is to be the person to set down rules and punishments. He is to be the one to make decisions concerning Ashley.
3) Ashley is not allowed to do or have the following while at your home: her hair cut, ears pierced, no makeup PERIOD!, unacceptable clothing, watch movies over G rating.
I believe that if these rules are followed, we will have no problems in the future."
2006-09-20 16:36:04 · 21 answers · asked by LittleMermaid 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Ran out of room: I thought this was a little overboard, and was done out of jealousy. My coworker said that she has never even done any of the things on that list.
2006-09-20 16:38:29 · update #1
I thought it was funny that she did this with absolutely no reason. The stepmom says that she has never been anything but nice to her stepdaughter, and she has been with this man for 2 years, so why would the mom write this now? That is why it is funny. I am also a bio-mom, and I would expect my sons stepmom not to step on my toes if I had certain rules for my son, but this woman never did this until the marriage actually went through (they were engaged for a year). The dad thinks his ex is a nut case.
2006-09-20 16:48:01 · update #2
You're going to hate me, but I really think the guidelines are a really good thing so stepmom doesn't accidently cross a mom line. However, I really think that it could have been handled better. This could set up an open communication between all the adults in Ashley's life which is a very good thing. The fact that the mom actually referred to the stepmom as such and not by a bad word shows that the real mom is at least somewhat accepting. That would be one of my biggest fears would be another woman changing the rules that I had brought my child up with. None of the things she has listed are hard to adhere to. Mike being the one to set the punishment and such will keep stepmom from being the hated person. Those are all really good ideas and a lot of thought and probably some help went into those. Like I said, it probably could have been handled better. At least everyone knows where everyone stands.
2006-09-20 16:44:15 · answer #1 · answered by Chloe 6 · 5⤊ 1⤋
I agree that they should agree on some ground rules, but the in your face tone, and rules on what movies she can watch are indeed a little overboard. I fully agree with #1 and #2, though again the tone may make the step mom rebel. I think the bio-mom is living in a fantasy world if she expects step-mom to have the same judgement as she would on clothing styles and such. Everyone is different, has diferent value and mores.....if you can agree on the big stuff, you just gotta let the small stuff slide.
I think bio mom thinks she can still run the show, and this is really a valed power play. Having been divoreced and raised 3 kids through it, I know all about the power strugles :(
Step-mom and bio-mom should sit down face to face and set realistic ground rules, but I am pretty sure (from the tone of the letter) that that ain't gonna happen.....I forsee problems not far off....bio-mom is never gonna be satisfied.....seen it before
2006-09-20 16:50:19 · answer #2 · answered by Star G 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only part I find unacceptable is #2. As far as I can tell, in most successful step-families, the step-parent has to have some ability to issue appropriate discipline in the even either parent is not there or able to be involved. The best idea, imo would be for the adults to all sit down together (possibly with another person to mediate) and discuss what types of behavior deserves what type of discipline.
For instance, lying results in phone privalges being suspended. That way any parent (and they are ALL parents now) know the rules and can thus institute them and ALL parents follow through with the discipline. Then they should sit down with the child and let her know what the rules are and that telling mom, that step-mom is being unfair because of yadda-yadda.
I would also agree that step-mom should avoid disciplining the child until she has earned her respect. If they don't respect you they won't listen no matter how loud you yell. :)
BTW if your friend's husband has a parenting plan from the divorce, it may or may not establish some of those same things. There are legal remedies for extreme situations.
2006-09-20 16:58:22 · answer #3 · answered by DJ 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I guess the bio mom felt that now that her ex husband and step mom were married - then there needed to be ground rules. They were not married until a month ago - sounds reasonable that she is just giving the letter now. I can't say that I blame the bio mom - and I don't think the note was as "in your face" - as in being firm. One of my daughters friends stepmother is absolutely horrible to the girl - and it just makes me sick. The stepmother is constantly trying to involve herself in punishments, decisions, etc. So I guess the bio mom just doesn't want things like that going on - I actually think it was a good idea.
2006-09-20 18:20:11 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
While the wording is a little in-your-face in tone, which may have been unnecessary, as a divorced mom myself, I think the things the bio-mom is requesting are perfectly reasonable.
Why did it seem funny to you?
It's better to be clear on what you want from the first than never express these things and then get in fights when these expectations are breached. It's not easy to be either a step mom, or a bio-mom watching your ex remarry and wonder if that could have any bad effect on the kid you've loved and raised for 10 years.
2006-09-20 16:41:31 · answer #5 · answered by catintrepid 5 · 5⤊ 1⤋
This list of rules is not over the top.
If I were a stepmother I would be glad to get this letter - it is actually pretty reasonable, and I am pretty sure it will be easy to follow.
Better to have things out in the open so things can be friendly between everyone.
2006-09-20 22:39:51 · answer #6 · answered by sheila 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
okay, first of all, what 10 year old doesn't like to play with makeup???? second of all, i highly doubt a stepmother would get a childs haircut or peircing without asking the husband or the "mother" first.
step parents are parents. so the word "step" in this sense is dislocating authority. an adult is an adult period!
mike and his new wife have their own set of rules and these same rules should apply to ashley while she is in their home.
what constitutes as a "general audience rating" doesn't even apply to cartoons these days, so thats going a bit extreme.
as far as clothing these days in a general sense where girls are concerned? the clothing sucks. lets get back to decent clothing that covers the body in the correct places.
now. my opinion is that
1. i believe this woman sounds as tho she's a bit of a control freak, which is probably one main reason mike is no longer married to her.
2. sounds as if she needs to control her child, her ex husband and the new parent because she is not in control herself.
3. sounds as tho maybe she is a bit jealous by the wondering of the mind thing when her daughter is over at her other parents house.
4. trying to set up the newlyweds for failure, while failing her daughter in the process.
5. i think if i were mike, i'd tell the ex it is none of her business how he wishes to raise his child while in his custody. an adult will usually do what they feel is right for a child regardless of who the adult is.
6. i could go on forever, but i will stop with one word of advice for each person
for the real mom: GROW UP. Life is hard. You should be thankful your ex still wants to visit his daughter! You are going to make it awefully hard for your daughter to enjoy being a kid with the "rules" you set up. It's more a punishment. CAN IT.
for the newlyweds...may your home be fun, wacky and loving and spontanous.
for the daughter already being caught in a web of horribles from her own monther: live your life and have fun no matter how controlling your mom is, this is probably one thing your mother does not understand...life is not meant to be controlled. be a kid and respect your new parent and your dad. be yourself when you visit and don't let your mom talk you into hating the visits. step moms are cool!
2006-09-20 16:57:17 · answer #7 · answered by Stephanie 6 · 1⤊ 4⤋
I think the bio-mom should let the stepmother know the rules and yes the childs father and mother should be the ones to make decisions about what the child can and can not do. Stepmom doesn't get to decide until she has her own kids.
2006-09-20 17:12:14 · answer #8 · answered by answers28 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
This sounds like a WONDERFUL bio-mom. She hit the nail in the head!!!!!!! Tell your coworker that she should follow these rules. I think I will make a copy of this for the next time the step parent question comes up. YOU GO BIO MOM!!!!!!!!
2006-09-20 20:50:01 · answer #9 · answered by olschoolmom 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I understand your frustration. i'm coping with a similar subject yet my Boys are 11 and 10 w/BM being bi-polar. that's no longer trouble-free to get finished custody. The BM I ought to attend to has been in & out of the psychological hospitals for the three.5 years I extremely have time-honored my boys. This 365 days she has spent a entire of three weeks out of the psychological scientific institution. She grew to become into caught in a severe velocity chase w/infant interior the motor vehicle 2.5 yrs in the past. yet, they are nevertheless keen to enable the lads see her. My H and that i are no longer happy, because of the fact we live in a distinctive state, we've desperate that any visitation with the lads would be supervised with the aid of myself, my husband, or with the grandparents (we've an incredible relationship with). the lads ask approximately while they are able to work out their mom..that's been over 2 years because of her in/out of scientific institution. we will not enable them to be along with her if she isn't taking her meds or has presently had an episode. a stable attorney and documentation of each thing she does and says. I wish you the final.
2016-10-15 06:01:16 · answer #10 · answered by bassage 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋