How often should our baby see my mother?

Question

My wife and I are hoping to have our first baby soon.

My mother-in-law has asked to be our child's nanny part time while my wife is working. (She is highly qualified with a college degree in child development and experience.)

My mother asked to live with us and in exchange nanny for us, and we said no and explained that my wife's mother had agreed to being nanny first.

My own mother is jealous of this idea and feels she would need more time with our child than once a week.

We don't care if my wife's parents see our child everyday because they are good people, but my mother is a difficult and bitter person.

We really don't want to be around my mother more than a few times a month.

Both of our families live within 10 minutes of us.

How do we deal with my mother and how much time should she spend with our child? I am the only child, so this will be her only grandchild.

My father isn't in the picture, he died after my parents divorced. My mom isn't remarried and doesn't have a boyfriend.

Answer 1

It depends a lot on where this difficulty and bitterness is directed and what caused it --- she may just be lonely and being around you more will make her nicer and more relaxed. If she's truly just all-around nasty to be with, then no need to infect your lovely family with that.

With that said - she IS your mother, and you're an adult now with a family of your own. Grow some cojones and talk with her. The worst thing that can happen is that she'll pull farther away, which is what you wanted anyway.

Answer 2

Well, you being the only child have to consider the fact that you are her only family. Maybe your child will spark a sense of need in her that would make her positive side come out. If both grandmothers of your child are available you can always have them alternate weeks. The choice is really up to you and your wife. Your mother not being able to see your child might make her even more resentful and bitter. You child's welfare is the most inmportant thing. If you don't think that your mother isn't capable of taking care of you child, that's a whole different story. (Just a little advice, you're mom isn't going to be around for long...let her see her grandchild while she's still around.) Best wishes and take care.

Answer 3

You have a choice. You can take sides with the different Mothers - or - you can say thank you to both and hire a babysitter. A Mother is very protective towards a son - especially an only son. While your concerns may be justified - you need to stay neutral. When you talk to your Mother - keep the in-laws names out of it. That hurts! I've seen it happen too many times in my own family.

Sounds to me like you are turning your back on your Mother. Like you feel she isn't good enough to be around your child. And you wonder why she is difficult and bitter? Open your eyes and look at her side. Have you been try to - quite literally - stay away from her since you and your wife got together?

You only have one Mother. She is your Mother. There is NO "we" in this. So try being around her a little more. Drop by with the baby for a few minutes a couple times a week. Don't distance yourself from her. You have no idea what it's like not having you Mother and wishing everyday she was right there with you. My Mom has been gone since 1990. I miss her as much today as I did then.

Don't mean to put you on a guilt trip. This is just food for thought. Good Luck.

Answer 4

From having experienced a similar thing. I would strongly suggest if you want to live a life with your own family unit and make all the decisions, that you move further away. It is of great benefit however having a family member that you can trust with your child, but it tends to bring jealousy from areas you may not expect. If you have any brothers or sisters that see you are getting a hand from your mother in law it is amazing how jealous they can be, especially if they feel they are missing out. Having an only grandchild is also an issue as the grandparents want to be on your doorstep 24 hours a day so as they dont miss anything and this leaves very little time for yourselves. If you intend to stay in this situation I would point out to your mother that it is the right of your wives mother to help her first if she needs it as a girl would naturally turn to her own mother. Make sure you set definate rules as to how often your mother comes on the scene or you will most definately regret it when you allow her to pop over 3 times a week. If that starts to happen tell her you are on your way out and have a barbecue to go to and she should have arranged to come over. If she insists on crowding you again I say move away as there is nothing worse than having someone on your doorstep all the time when you are trying to deal with and enjoy your first child.
Good luck and remember it is YOUR child not hers

Answer 5

My son has a daughter and his wifes mother offered to care for he while they go to work,ok now she is complaining about having her all the time but this was at her idea,now my son and daughter in law has asked me to move in with them which I have not done and live to far away to help.I guess what I am saying is ask your mother to be a back up sitter because trust me some where down the line the other will need a break.Yep thats what I would do ask her to be back up or maybe they can take turns so neither of them get burned out,and they will and they can both spend time with there grandchild.

Answer 6

My daughter had a baby after losing 3 and her husbands mother lived across the street so I was very jealous. It took some time but now I see my grandchild alot. The best thing to do would be to make time for her to see the baby such as maybe for an afternoon, you and your wife could go to lunch, talk a walk or maybe see a movie. That way you get the daily care from the one you want and your mother sees the baby too. Good luck

Answer 7

I think your mother is just jealous that you are allowing (or going to allow) the other grandmother to spend more time with the baby. Why don't you let her spend more than a few times a month with the baby and see how it goes. If she gets difficult, you will have to put some controls on it for your sake and your child's. She may surprise you and have a completely different attitude when she sees that baby.

I know she is probably lonely but do not let her intrude too much on your life if she is difficult. As long as she is behaving nicely, please try to include her as much as possible.

Good luck to you all.

Answer 8

Do you think that maybe if she were to spend time with the baby it would help her be not so bitter? Your going to have to at some point explain why you do not want her around the baby so much. Just tell her you want the baby to be as happy as possible and want it to be as conflict free as possible so the rule is for everyone that it remains a positive atmosphere with your child. This way your not saying it is her but your letting her know. If she can't do that then limit the contact and when there is contact be ready to leave when it becomes negative.

Answer 9

Why not have one mom watch one week and one the next and switch off like that so it is easy on both of you. That way the mom living with you has time off. Or since you don't want to see you mom that much have her take your child one or two days a week while you wife is at work that way your mom has a break to get her errands done.

Answer 10

Your mother raised you and you are good person. I think your mom should get to watch the child too. Besides have you thought that your mother-in- law might get sick or have errands to do some days. It's nice to have a back up. Believe they will both be good grandparents. This baby might even change your mother to be a better person.