What's better.. to be nice or to be honest?

Question

Okay,

I'm not the tupe of person you come to if you have self esteem issues if you want an honest opinion about the way you look. I tell it the way i see it. If you ask "do i look fat in this?" and you DO. I will tell you yes.
I don't like it when people tell me I did a good job at something when i know I didn't at all. i think that positive support is a good thing, but be honest even then. Tell me it took guts to try or something. Don't sugarcoat it.
I think that honesty is a dying thing in this world and I'm trying to bring it back.

What do you think? Better to be Honest or to be Nice?

Answer 1

Depends on the situation. Sometimes it's better to be nice than honest (i.e. "Do these clothes make me look fat?") Sometimes it's better to be honest than to be nice. (i.e. "You you think that I have a chance of winning the nobel peace prize?")

Answer 2

You came to the right place. Your etiquette needs polishing.

In many instances, it's better to be nice - or polite - than honest. If a woman asks, "Do I look fat in this" and she does, the polite thing to say is, "It's not very flattering on you." or "The stripes are a bit much."

I would only ask that of someone I trusted to be honest - but not brutally honest.

There are other times when saying nothing is in order. I recently had a woman friend hand me a strand of pearls. She never married and has no children and her brothers all had sons - so she had nobody to pass it to. It had been given to her by her mother and her mother got it from her grandmother. She wanted me to have it because I make no secret of my love of pearls.

The instant I picked it up, I knew it was fake. It was way too light to be real pearls. It wasn't even a good copy. Her family had cherished a dime store strand of plastic beads for three generations. What did I say?

"Don't you want to keep this in the family - pass it on to one of your nephews' fiancee's?" She said no. She wanted someone who cherished pearls to have it. I put it on while thanking her as graciously as if she had just handed me the Crown Jewels of England.

There would be no purpose served in saying anything else. Her mother and grandmother were long gone. And now, the pearls that had been in her family for so many years, came to rest with someone that loves pearls. It made her feel good. Why spoil it with an unnecessary truth?

It's a matter of etiquette.

Answer 3

I think that there is a way to be honest while maintaining a nice way of phrasing things - I don't think being honest requires "brutal truth" or being mean - there is a way to say something. You question makes it sound like you have to be one or the other -like it is not possible to be both - and that is the problem with the question cause it is possible and actually - that is the way I believe things should be said and done - in a postive, honest , sincere way - not a way in which cuts someone down.

If a girl is not fat - a pair of jeans can't make her look fat - so if she were to ask that - it isn't really necessary to say that. You could say instead - you have other jeans that look nicer or longer length would make you look thinner - you don't have to be brutal to be honest.

I think too many people sugar coat things - I agree with that. On here too - people just say what the person asking the question wants not what the answer should be or would make sense being.

I don't think you have to chose one or the other - you can still be nice and be honest. You don't have to be cruel or brutally honest. Just cause you think it does not mean that you have to say it. People won't come to you or feel comfortable telling you things or asking your advice - brutal honesty with no discretion is not even about being honest - it is more like you are trying to prove something to yourself and stand out from the rest -- too much so. It is a lost thing and people lie to your face and talk behind your back so I do respect honesty but not when people are cruel with it or just say everything that goes through their mind. The old saying is if you don't have anything nice to say - don't say anything at all.

People are trying to make you feel good and yet you resent that. Perhaps your confidence is suffering or an issue for you so their compliments strike a sore spot in you - not cause what they are saying is not the truth but because you doubt it yourself - maybe. I don't know but it sounds to me like your "honesty" is pushing people away from you and that, to me, is not worth the goal of trying to "bring it back" like you claim you are doing. It actually sounds like you resent someone for not giving you the proper recognition that you feel that you deserve and overall I think you sound kind of bitter in general about this and about that. I think that you need to figure out what it is and who that is that is making you feel this way - perhaps you need to communicate with that person and let them know how you feel and what you need from them. In all of this honesty that you speak of - it sounds like you stuff a lot of your emotions, keep them to yourself and it bothers you - you have to communicate. Maybe you are taking this anger and resentment out on these other people - giving them it, misdirecting it.

So - yea honesty is good but I would never lose who I am over it. I would never purposefully be cruel or choose to phrase things so honestly - so blunt that it would hurt those that I care about. And if you care about them you should not do that either. There is a way to express yourself where you can be honest and nice - it is not one or the other - not 100% of the time and for that matter, most of the time you can be honest and say it nicely - in my opinion you should work on that - honestly :o)

Answer 4

You know, it really depends on the situation. I have a friend who is kind of overweight, and she is keenly aware of it. When she asks me if a certain dress makes her look fat, I'm not going to tell her the truth and tell her that it's not the dress that's making her look fat, it's the fat. She is already aware of it, and is just looking for some positive complements, so I tell her that she looks awesome.
I have another friend, who always tells me that she wants to hear the truth, so I told her the truth about something, and she got defensive and stormed off. It turns out that she only wanted to hear the truth about good things, and wanted me to sugar coat the rest, so now I'm much more careful about how I phrase things.
It bugs me, too, when people praise me and I know I sucked, but sometimes, deep inside, I know I did a horrible job, but I need the confidence that comes from someone telling me I did a good job.
So, in answer to your question, it really depends on the situation. When a patient looks me in the eye, and asks if he is going to be OK, I don't tell him the truth, and say, no, you probably won't make it. I usually say something like, we will do our best for your, or something to that effect.
If my boss asked me a question, I'd tell her the absoulte truth, no sugar coating needed. If my boyfriend asked me something and I knew it would hurt him, I'd phrase it a bit differently.
Some people use the "truth" as a way to hurt others. It's a delicate line to walk.
Hope this helps!

Answer 5

There is a middle ground, its called tact. If someone asks you "Does this make me look fat?" Instead of saying "yes, you look like a freaking beached whale" try saying "that is not a very flattering style on you maybe you should try something else" It is a much nicer way of saying the EXACT SAME THING without being mean. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy but you can be polite at the same time.

Answer 6

Honest.
I think you can accomplish being honest WHILE being nice..........
Say "Yes sweetie, you do look heavier in that outfit but, you know you are gorgeous in most everything else you wear, bad design in this case." (If in fact it is the truth)
I get the feeling that you do not want to be bothered with being "nice"
I do not believe that honest and nice are mutually exclusive.
Even if the person asking you about, for instance, looking fat in something, there is always a way to tell the truth but take out the sting by saying something nice as well.

Answer 7

1. Kindness goes a long way.

2. Remember, your honest opinion is just your POV.

3. And your not believing a compliment, that you did a good job, may be groundless. Perhaps you are underestimating your own worth.

4. If you preface your honesty with this is just my POV, then you leave the door open that there could be other POVs that differ from yours.

5. Remember, it's all relative.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Well, of the two, I think honesty is the better, but you can be honest AND be nice, they are not mutually exclusive. You have to learn tact, which in your opinion may be sugar coating, but will get you much further in this world.

I have been accused of being outspoken all my life (My mom said I once told a playmate that I was not bossy, I just had better ideas), and have had to learn tact slowly and painfully throughout my life. Make some effort to not intentionally offend, and you will be the better for it.

It all goes back to the golden rule..............

Answer 9

Isn't it possible to be both? If someone asks me if they look fat in something I'm going to be honest but in a respectful way. Just saying "Yes, you do" is a little too blunt. I'd more than likely say "That doesn't flatter your shape. Let's try this instead." I believe that you can be honest without hurting someone's feelings.

Answer 10

It depends on the situation. I totally believe in being honest. If you have a boog hanging out of your nose, then I'd tell you. If being honest would get someone hurt or injured, then it's best not to be honest. I'd rather have someone tell me something doesn't look good or wasn't done well then let me believe it does or was.

Answer 11

I think it's important to be polite. One can still offer constructive criticism in a polite rather than obnoxious way.

To the quesiton "Do I look fat in this?" I'd probably say "That outfit isn't as flattering as some of your others." - or "Skinnyleg jeans aren't my favorite on you because you really look fantastic in bootleg jeans." That's honest, isn't it?

As they say...":You friends will be honest and risk your affection. You enemies will lie and risk your future."