How would you handle this?

Question

My cousin has 2 children and one one the way. She goes back and forth between two guys the father of the first two and the father 2 be on the 3rd child. Both guys are worthless. They are both abusive and she say she likes the fighting because it gives her a high. ( i dont get it) Anyways they never have a place to live. So she is always staying at my house or another member of the family. Needless to say its getting old and it disrupts our lives. and even though we say the boyfriend at the time cant come over they do any ways. We love the children and dont want them to be homeless and we love her to just not how she acts. so what is the best thing to do tuff love tell she is a 26 year old women get your life togeather or keep picking up the pieces of her life knowing it may never change. Keep in mind the 2 children and one on the way.

This has been going on for about 5 years!!!

doesnt help buy bills buys some food thats it

Answer 1

wow this is a real deep situation, subconsiously people who come from an abusive relationship, always end up with someone else that abusive to, so maybe she wont but she probably will choose another guy thats abusive too, so i think that pushing here away from these guys might be a good thing now but she will eventually find another guy thats abusive.

i also think that she should maybe be seeing a therapist, cause one that'll help with the 'pick the psycho outa the bunch thing' and two it will also make here see that she is de-grading herself by being with abusive people. it will also help here discover the discomfort she is causing you and your family, and maybe she will change her mind.

as for the three kids, she will also raise them alot better, its better to get help now rather than wait another 20 years only to realise that you could have done better.

seeing a therapist is not a bad thing as so oftenly confused.

also with you and your family, just show some support, and im not saying you dont im just saying, rather than point out the wrongs, point out the goods things, that'll also help her see some more self worth in herself.

good luck
mwah,
p.s if you wanna chat more about the subject im me or e-mail me.
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Answer 2

For openers, for the sake of the children you could attempt to steer her in the direction of counseling, as she most definitely has serious issues which need dealing with right now. Do what you can for the children, even if it means providing them with a secure place to live. She has no respect, because she allows her boyfriends to visit against your wishes. Seems that she has converted you from being her cousin, into you being her enabler. Do something quick to end the suffering of these innocent children, and the rest of the family , including you! Understand that if you take action, which you and other family members should, all involved may suffer emotional pain and stress. Regardless, keep in mind that you are doing this to save the children, to give all of you piece of mind, and to save your 26 year old cousin from herself. You may not find it easy at first, but whoever said tuff love was easy!? Your cousin is an irresponsible 26 year old adult who can possibly still be saved, but these young innocent children, who didn't ask to be here, must be saved! Thinking about it and doing nothing accomplishes nothing. So get your compassion, concern, and strength together and start the wheels to rolling to do what you've got to do, and what you know needs doing. These children desperately are in need of a hero such as yourself, instead of the zero their mother is. GET ON IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

I would take the children and tell her she has to tuff it out. Tell her what she is doing is causing mental damage and abuse to these children. It's not fair. They never asked for this. I would then instruct her that if she doesn't do it your way you will turn her in for endangerment. Both with being homeless and abuse. Try to get her to work with someone like family preservation or a similar group. Best of luck. Remember if you don't help her stop this cycle it will continue. The kids will live the same way. Sometimes a child in a safe home is a child with out a real mother in it.

Answer 4

It is so wrong for children to be in the middle of domestic violence. Then I can not believe that she is acting like that while pregnant. As a mother, she should be putting the health and safety of her baby first and foremost. She is at risking the life of her unborn child. Children need stability and she nor the fathers are giving that to them. She should respect the rules of your house if she is staying with you, even if that means you do not want the abusive sperm-donor coming to your house. If she wants to have family time, then she needs to go to his place or they should go out somewhere. If you do not put your foot down and call her on it when she does something you do not like, she will continue to walk over you. She should get a job and work on getting her own place so no one can run her and her kids out of it. I know you love her, but sometimes you just can not help those who want even make an effort to help themselves. I know the situation is disrupting your life, and may be affecting your relationship with your own man, and you are probably pretty close to losing it. You can only do so much, and after you've done all you can,if you decide you do not want to deal with it anymore--who could blame you? you should not feel guilty or sorry. I can not tell you whether to stop letting her stay with you or not. If it were my cousin (which I come from a very close family), I would let her stay the first couple of times. But she is a grown woman. If she wants to live her life like that... fine, but I would tell her I love those kids and if she will keep bringing them into unstable situations, I might have to report her and the abusers and I do not give a damn if she hates me for it. Children never deserve to live like that or to be homeless. Personally, the men in my family (fathers, uncles,cousins, brothers...)--will not stand by and let the women be abused...so females in my family know not to even get involved in abusive relationships or to get out of it ASAP if the man starts to be violent...because we know the men in our family will fight for us and protect us to the very end.

Answer 5

I'm not going to say to put her out because of the kids but there has to be some tuff love here. She wont change unless she has to. Is she paying you guys rent ? Maybe incorporate some rent and food money and see if things change. She needs to clean up her act. What kind of life is this for the kids ? She is being selfish and only thinking about herself. I think its high time she heard all these things being told to her in her face.

Answer 6

You just need to sit her down and talk to her. Let her know that you love her and will do anything you can to help her but going back and forth is not good for the kids or the other family members that she is living with. Tell her that her and the kids living with you guys disrupts your lives and it's not fair. She needs to be a woman and get a place for her and her kids to lay their heads at night.

Answer 7

Tuff love is just that, tuff. As long as you and the family keep "saving" her and making it easy, she will continue on this trend because there is nothing to keep her from doing it.

The way I would handle it is by telling her that the welcome mat is no longer out there for her, just the kids... when she tries to use the kids, who are innocent, I would remind her that they are her responsibility, not yours.

Also, try talking with someone from CPS, they might be able to help... just remember however, once in the system, it is hell trying to get out of it.

Answer 8

sounds just like my sister 2 kids and has another with some other guy and both of them dont do **** for her and beat her *** but sorry to say if your cousin hasnt changed she never will if she hasnt changed at least for her kids then she never will she's just not happy with her life and doesnt know what to do

Answer 9

tell her she needs to get her life straight. Tell her to forget about those guys and move on with life. find a place of her own and get a job. The childern need a stable place to live and grow up with or without a dad. She'll wants whats best for her childern right then explain to her thats whats best for her childern. When she gets her life staight maybe then she'll find a guy who will love her & her childern & treat them right. (idk if ure a christian or not,but anyways) Meanwhile tell her to go to church or take her to church. God will help her her family and ures out. good luck.

Answer 10

Put your foot down! Get the whole family in on it. Approach with caution and tact however because she is family. Stop making thing so easy for her to be such a loser. She doesnt do anything for herself because she knows she doesnt HAVE to.