We played with a really great couple BUT she called my other half about playing on his own.What are the rules?

Question

She called him and asked to meet alone..not just for sex but to be "involved" as in b/f. Was also willing to sneak around if I didn't agree. How should I have handled it to keep us in the lifestyle. My man opted out of the lifestyle because of this. I trusted him but he wasn't aware how far she was going to try take this so he agreed to meet her for sex....I am willing to share him not lend him to someone to date. Am I wrong in this?

Answer 1

As a married man who's been "in the lifestyle" myself for over 15 years the first thing I can say is that she was COMPLETELY out of line. As to what the rules are... that's between you and your husband. Different people have different rules. I've known and been around every sort of swinging and lifestyle arrangement you can imagine (and probably some you couldn't ) over the years from "soft swing" couples to triads (1 husband & 2 wives or 1 wife & 2 husbands) to polyandrous marriages involving 4 or more people. And some of these multi-marriage partners were also involved in "the lifestyle".

While the rules are for you and your husband to work out the sort of thing she was trying to pull is seldom tolerated anywhere. I'd be very surprised if she hasn't been asked to leave some other groups in the past if this is common behavior for her. In truth it might not be. She may actually have become smitten by your husband and was caught off guard by her feelings. That still does not excuse her behavior. I have known couples that shared both together and apart (sometimes called "open marriage") but the successful ones still require respect for their marital partner from any playmate and the playmate is usually known to the partner. A smart playmate will, in fact, work to cultivate a friendship with a playmates marital partner(s).

Unfortunately too many get involved in "swinging" to either heal a bad marriage (very bad idea... it never works and, in fact, creates new distractions that make it almost impossible to fix what's wrong with the marriage) or to find a new partner before divorcing a current one (very, VERY bad). If you feel that this lifestyle is a good choice for you both don't let one bad experience, though, sour you... just learn from it and proceed with due caution. First, though, ask yourselves why you want to do this. There are good and compelling reasons for it and "swinging", in one form or another, has been around as long as civilization (and has enjoyed varying degrees of social acceptability in different times and places). You sound like you both have very healthy attitudes and no tendency towards jealousy. So sit down and examine your reasons and motives honestly. If you still feel that this is something you want to explore please be assured that the good times and good experiences, for most of the people I've known, FAR outweigh the bad.

Answer 2

I would assume, not being a member of this lifestyle myself that it operates on the principles of honesty, cooperation and respect for all invovled. How else could it work? Sounds likes she violated all these rules.

What really matters is your agreement with HIM. Have you agreed that he can date others, or is it just about "lending out" one another for sex? Are you both on the same page about the boundaries of your relationship between you two? Are you on the same page re: boundaries in your relationship with other partners? What is acceptable to you as a couple?

You are only wrong if you went back on an agreed upon state, if you have no agreements or understandings then you can't be wrong.

Answer 3

No, you are not wrong at all. You two set the rules of the relationship and if they can't respect that then do away with them.

Her trying to date him and wanting him to sneak around is way outside the boundaries of any poly relationship I have ever heard of. These relationships need to be built on trust and respect, and she's lost both.

There is nothing wrong with having an open relationship, but make sure you and your bf are on the same page and operating by the same rules. The lifestyle isn't for everyone, so leave yourselves chances to re evaluate and discuss it openly at any time.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 4

Maybe not wrong, since there are no rules for this type of play. But I think your thinking might be somewhat twisted. You're willing to share your boyfriend to have sex with another woman, but you're not willing to lend him to someone to date? Sorry -- I really don't get it. I don't know what kind of '"lifestyle" this is, but it sure sounds perverted to me. Share/lend -- what's the difference? Cheating is cheating any way you look at it. To each his own.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

Are you talking about tennis? Or what?
If you're talking abour swapping partners for sex, I don't know what to tell you.
Any woman who called my man asking to get together privately would be dust in my book., But if you two think swapping around with each other is a healthy lifestyle choice, I'm afraid I don't know the rules to this game. Overall, it sounds kind of gross. Lay down with dogs, wake up with fleas.

Answer 7

YES you are wrong! A relationship is between one man and woman... "keep us in the lifestyle" what's up with that? And why would you want to share your man? Where are your morals?

Answer 8

what you want is to swing without either you or your partner making an emotional committment to somebody else....

there is nothing wrong with this..... whether you are talking about a straight swinging lifestyle or a bdsm lifestyle..... there is nothing wrong with this...

except a lot of times people *do* end up wanting more and people do get hurt........

Answer 9

The rules are - don't pretend you are in a monogamous relationship - you aren't. This is not a "lifestyle." It is wrong, morally corrupt and you OBVIOUSLY feel wrong about it yourself. Get out before you get an STD.

Answer 10

The "rules" are whatever you and your man agree on. If you can't agree on important issues, the relationship is doomed. So you should talk to him and see what you can agree on.