Wedding gift assistance for newly sober (drug and alcohol) bride and groom?

Question

I'll be attending a wedding (which probably shouldn't be happening) for a family member soon. Both he and his bride are recovering from alcohol and drug abuse. Not even sober for 3 months yet.

Anyway, I don't want to give them cash or even gift cards (which could be sold to other people for cash, something they've done a lot of). They aren't registered anywhere, they both have had houses of their own in the past so they have a lot of housewares.

Any ideas that don't involve items that are easily cashed in?

Kathy N. -- I understand where you're coming from on the respect thing and I wish I could give them that respect but they worked really hard to lose it. Really we're going for the groom's mother, to support her since this is a tough time for her.

When the two of them decided to take advantage of the one person left in the family who would open her home to him by stealing credit cards belonging to my dead uncle and charging $6000, I lost any desire to extend respect to them. This is just one thing they've done to our family -- if you want another highlight, he got a friend of his to come into my mother's house and hold up my brother at gun point.

I really don't even want to get them a gift (and wouldn't feel too bad not getting one since he didn't get me one for my wedding) but feel like I should.

Answer 1

Maybe consider getting them a membership to something, which would keep them busy (and hopefully distracted from the ideas of drugs and alcohol) and couldn't be returned. Tell them you'll sign them up for a class of their choice at a local art studio, the YMCA, whatever, and tell them that when they are ready, let you know and you'll pay for it.

Or, write out a gift certificate to them from you saying something to the effect of "when you've moved in together, and realize you need some little things for your house, call me up and we'll go to the store and I'll treat you to $X in supplies."

Or, you could put together a gift basket of things that people need for around their House anyhow. As cheesy as it may seem, get them a basket (or just put it in a bag...whatever) of dish soap, sponges, hand soap, shampoo, Windex, etc. It may seem a bit tacky but as we all know, you go through a lot of those things on a daily basis when you own a home and who really wants to go spend money on them? That way, they have stuff they need for their house, you've bought it for them, and it'd probably be hard to pawn off some Dawn to a strange for money for alcohol.

Answer 2

Giving a gift is never a mandatory thing. It is the polite thing to do but should come from the heart. If your heart's not into it, then why give a gift at all? Why even attend the wedding if you are so against it?

But that's not what you asked, is it? Well, you know a couple can never have too many monogramed bath towels.

Aside from all that, I know you must care about this family member so why don't you try to separate the past from the present. They are sober, doing well and trying to make a go of it together. Celebrate! It just might be a wonderful union.

Answer 3

It is a shame that these two have been so awful in the past - but good that they are making a go of it together being sober......and by the sound of it, 3 months is pretty good considering the severity of their addictions.

I would advise some kind of inspirational coffee table book with either great artwork or something that interests them. Along with it, you could give some cute matching coffee cups and some specialty coffee or tea.......maybe a little encouragement to drink something.....else. :) Good luck!

Answer 4

I can't give you any advice about the gift...but, yes you are absolutely correct the wedding should not be happening....

Maybe you should get them the AA book called "Living Sober"...and have them read the part about emotional entanglements in early sobriety....aparently they have not read it, or they have read it a think they are different...which I am sure they are not.

Who knows though...it could work, but more often than not, a situation like this is doomed for the get go.....I wish them the best.

Answer 5

artwork, a crystal vase, frame, membership at a local museum, a charitable donation to their favorite charity or alma mater.

Realistically, you have to give from the heart, or don't give at all. Give the gift, and whatever they do with it is on them. Don't get hung up on that. It's their business if they choose to get married. Instead of criticizing, why not attend the wedding as a joyful guest and be prepared to help them in their marriage if they need it?

Answer 6

Hi stimply, I'd just buy them whatever you want to. I can understand your feelings but...they are both adults & should be given the same respect as any other adults who are getting married.

As an idea...linens (towels, blankets, etc.) are something folks can always use, to make them special have them monogrammed.

Answer 7

You could give them a nice engraved picture frame that they could put a wedding photo in. You can have their wedding date or their names engraved on it. This is something that they can cherish, but cannot return. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Answer 8

get them a regular gift plus a subscription to the aa grapevine. 18 for a year, monthly mag, www.aagrapevine.org

Answer 9

giving them false support, i think that is a bad gift, a good gift would be possibly offering them rides to and from work or maybe helping them clean or do laundry

Answer 10

Create them a lovely album of pictures form their courtship and engagement, as well as from their wedding. It is something that only they could truely appreciate.