Stalemate - what happens when I want another child but DH doesn't?

Question

I have 4 year old twins who will soon start school. I want another
child but DH is dead against it - he just doesn't want anymore. Because of my age (late 30s) I only have a small window of opportunity in which to have another child - I have explored every angle in terms of how it will affect us financially, family dynamics etc. and it's more than do-able - but DH doesn't want to hear any of it. As this is an issue where there is no room for compromise does this mean that the matter is closed and I have to accept that I won't ever have another child? If so how do I stop myself from resenting DH? After all if he'll be able to still go on fathering children long after I'm able to have any more.

Answer 1

DH? dic*head or dear hubby. ...............I'm NOT criticising,but how many people can't have children, and you have 2 lovely children. If you love each other what more do you need? It's not worth all the hassle & bad feelings. Be happy, & enjoy the family you have. XX

Answer 2

The husband is clearly stressed out over the twins that you do have or he didn't want to have children in the first place. Before you married, did you discuss the number of children you wanted to have as parents together? If not, now is not the time to start planning for a third child.

You are doing all the right things, discussing it with him (do not argue about it), reviewing it with logic and taking your time table in to account.

Perhaps, before you go any further, you should consider a weeks long vacation WITHOUT the twins just for the two of you. Restart the flame and take a break from the whole mother and father roles for a bit.

Start encouraging your husband to get hobbies if he doesn't have any. Maybe a break from the home is very important to him and another child would mean less time for himself.

You need a break also, so make sure you take turns with him for a break time to take up a hobby of your own.

You may find that once you have done these things that having a child may not interest you any longer or that having another child may not stress him out so much.

More than likely he is looking for liberation here and this has nothing to do with money!

Let the twins start school first then pursue this issue again. Just because the are starting school do not think you need to feel the void by having another child. Lets see how you feel when they start school. You may begin to really enjoy your new found freedom and quiet time.

Good Luck and Take Care

Answer 3

Hi

Whyis y our DH so set against it... You need to really sit down and talk to him about how important this is to you and how you are afraid you will resent him if you have to concede.

He must have reasons he is sooooo set against it.

I will tell you that this is marriage wrecking material for sure.

You will resent him or he will resent you.... so compromise is the only way

Did you have trtouble with the twins... in preganncy or delivery where he might be concerned that he could lose you and then his twins would have no mom and he no wife?

He has reasons... you need to have a serious talk and make sure he gets how serious you are.

Also you should know that women are having children later now and even 45 is not all that rare...yes there are increased risks for both mom and baby but its do able.

Whatever you do ...dont trick him.

You may get yor c hild that way but you will destroy all trust in doing so. Are you ready to be a single mom of 3?

Tough question, and I wish you luck!

Wismom

Answer 4

Remember that every action you take doesnt just affect you, it affects everyone around you.
You already have two children yet you speak as if you only have one child. Twins although alike in looks are two very different people. Maybe you should conentrate on the two children you have, instead of the pregnancy that could tear apart your marriage, your life. You so torn up abou the fact that he can father children when you wont be able to that is it tearing you up. Why is this so important to you? Have you talked to him as to why he wont compromise? Do you know his inner feelings on this or are you just assuming? You say you have explored every angle, but those angles are just statistics on paper, every family adjusts differently and a third child can be an adjustment. You make it fine right now financially but there is nothing written in stone that your financial situation will stay the same. There is nothing written isn stone that you or your family will react a certain way, as I said its just statistics on paper, no realy facts, as you and your family arent a part of those statistics....... yet.
Are you closer to 40 than to 30? If so that may be a reason why your husband doesnt want you to have another child. You two will be in your late 50's early 60's when you kids becomes a teen and your are not going to feel like dealing with him or her, believe me.... My mother felt the same way and she tells me to this day how she is glad I had my children early in life. I am an active mother, I am not weight down in any activity that I choose to do with my children because of the onset of limits that are so prevalent in old age, or those on the verge of becomeing senior citizens.
My concern is that you arent truly taking your husband's feelings into consideration and that you dont seem to be satisfied with the two children you have. Sure you love them, but you desire another child. Love and desire are powerful feelings, and if not balance and kept in check can dsestroy the most stable of families and relationships.

Answer 5

What are his reasons for not wanting more children? I know that you said that you explored every angle but you seems to have missed out on his. I'm not saying the he should have the deciding vote but if you want him to be the father of all of your children then he does seem to have been overlooked and get him to pinpoint his reasons - but don't nag.

You might want to examine your motivations for wanting another child. Is it because your 4 year olds are off to school soon and you feel that you will have nothing to do? If this is the case then find a hobby or even think about getting a job if you want to explore the joys of being child-free most of the day.

The last comment you made about him being able to father children long after you are not able to give birth sounds as though you think that he might leave and that you are uncertain about the future. This sounds as though you are questioning your validity as a person. I know many mums in their late 30s who are doing this and feel as though their lives are over because they have nothing to offer the world. But they and you do.

If these feeling of wanting a child stem from that fact that yours are soon to start school and you want something/someone to care for, consider getting in touch with pre-schools and even the school your kids will be going to to see if they accept classroom assistants or trip monitors. If you end up resenting your partner then your relationship could well be in jeopardy

Answer 6

If your husband doesn't want one then there pretty much isn't anything you can do as far as having one... if you wanted to spend some of the nurturing though you could volunteer at a childrens hospital or sponsor a child in a big sister program... or maybe you could babysit in some of your free time for someone else who has a baby. Being a godparent might even help you fulfill that need to nurture. As far as resenting him, maybe it is because he does not want to put off having you to himself again.. or for once... maybe he is thinking ahead to when the twins move out, and you are able to travel, go on romantic weekends and so forth. Don't see it as him denying you.. see it as him wanting to do more for you than father children... he wants to give you the WHOLE relationship

Answer 7

This isn't something you can compromise on. Either you have another child or you don't. You've given lots of reasons for wanting another child, what are his reasons for not wanting another one? You have the right to know. You need to ask yourself if another child is something you're prepared to live without. You are the one who has the ultimate say, but I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world with a father who didn't want him.

Answer 8

I read your question and had so much to say! Then I read some of these great answers and realized there isn't much I can add except my support. I think explaining to your husband that you have really strong feelings about this issue would help. Tell him it's important to you, and ask him to go see a family counsellor with you. It will help you two make the decision together, and feel ok about the one you choose. Take care.

Answer 9

just because he's capable of fathering children doesnt mean he wants to - getting pregnant "by accident" will make him resent you because he will know it wasn't an accident, you have twins be happy with what you have, he might change his mind in the future and want to have another child with you of his own accord but probably not if you have twins, now he might be dreading another set or triplets

Answer 10

I know what you are saying I have 1 1/2 yeasr old daughter and I want another one but my husband doesn't want another yet, I'm only 22 but I love being a mom. I guess just tell him how you feel and that you don't have much time.