do u know any good jokes for writing in a magazine?

Answer 1

since the holidays are coming up...
Why is Santa always jolly?
Cuz he knows where all the naugty girls live.
♣

Answer 2

ya..i have a few.

LESSON 1

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a
meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder
lamp.They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff, and he Was also gone

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after
lunch at 12.35pm"

*MORAL OF THE STORY IS: " ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"*


LESSON 2


Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

*LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.*


LESSON 3

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA
When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.

The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ...
Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of 'key' was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'
am I?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

*LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.*

LESSON 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,
who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie
appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,

He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you
A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want
the pool of
Water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
shouted"WINE".
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so
Happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
Contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly
He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"****!!!!!!!........."

*LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES
ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.*
Now for the grand final lesson

LESSON 5

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:

Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it
Wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where
it's going.
*******.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the ******* very mad.
To prove his point, the ******* immediately slammed tightly closed and
Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste
whatsoever.

Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the ******* be in charge.

*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK
YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ******* THAT IS IN CHARGE.*

Answer 3

I think this is not suitable for the magazine, but for you to cheer up:

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Answer 4

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water. “Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?” Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” “As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back. The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

Answer 5

The 1st joke is.......




Thanks for the 2 points!
If u r srius abt the jokes then i think u must contact me i have lots lots of dem!

Answer 6

Ya you can get them out of a mad magazine

Answer 7

A man walks into a bar
it was a metal bar

Answer 8

a man who has a long moustache went to a stationary shop saw perfume in the showcase, asked to the shopkeeper 'what is he cost'.Rs. 80/-' said shopkeeper. "OK give it me".the shopkeeper gave him the same brand from his store room.the man complained "i want this one"(which was in showcase).the shopkeeper said "they are same brand n this one is only for show". "OK"the man took that and sprayed it on his moustache and threw the empty bottle. the shopkeeper
astonished and asked "u took it Rs.80/- only for Ur moustache!"."yes U know ,after spray one hair of my moustache became cost 80/-."?."Are U sure what it has? give me one, I will check it" the shopkeeper said.the man picked up a hair from ,inside his paint n gave him. the shopkeeper cried w r u doing ?."Do not cray this my store room n this (Moustache) is my show case they are same brand" the man said.

Answer 9

watching women tennis is the tuffest, every time she hits a shot, one gets confused which ball to see, coz three bounce at a time

Answer 10

Who won the skeleton's fashion contest ?

No-body

Answer 11

redears digest a good source
http://atrieecs.seo.iitm.ac.in/
http://360.yahoo.com/sreddy_pradeep