Step children.....?

Question

My husband has two kids one is 15 the other is 13. They live with us more than 50% of the time and with their mother the rest. We also have a sweet little 4 year old between us who is with us 100% of the time.
My step kids do NOT like me nor do they respect me and have said and done some really horrible stuff over the past 6 years especially when their father is not "looking".
My husband works out of town a lot and used to leave the kids with me when he was away but since things have escalated with them towards me I have requested that they stay at their mothers when dad isn't home. Dad continues to allow one or both to stay with me whether I like it or not regardless of my wishes.
Am I wrong to ask that they stay with their mother when he isn't here?

I have to add that it is not me who doesn't get along with the kids it is the kids who don't like me.
I concider myself a very good mom and regardless of their treatment i am always here to care for and support them.
I make sure that they are clean and well fed that they have a structured environment and someone who will listen and talk to them...regardless of how they feel about me.

....but because of some things that have been done by them I am afraid to be alone with them. I DO NOT feel safe.
My step son has been very verbally abusive to me and has come at me in a physical manner, he has even killed one of my darling pets to prove his dislike for me. My step daughter has lied about things I have said and done to both of their parents.
I beg my husbandto get a grip on them but he just doesn't or can't or wont...I don't know. Regardless I think the should spend time with their mother not me.

Answer 1

Well- I have to start by asking: If the don't like you why are they at your house in the first place while your husband is not there. That does not make sense. You say Dad continues to "allow" them to stay. Are they asking to stay with you?

Second- you need to demand that your husband speak to the kids and make the kids acknowledge that they have to respect you regardless of weather or not they like you. It is time for him to step up and be a parent. It is his place to correct the issue, not yours.

Answer 2

Let me see if I understand. Your own child is a little angel and the step kids are demons. Conflict between you and the demons is escalating, but they are doing it all and you're just an innocent victim. Is that right?

Somehow, I can't help but think there could be another side to this story.

One possible scenario:

The step kids were still traumatized by the divorce when you married their dad. Were you in any way involved with their dad before the divorce? Could they feel you're responsible for the loss of their original nuclear family?

Regardless of whatever the answer to the above question, they see you giving love to your own child. There is not a single word in your description that sounds like you have ever had any love for them at all. You describe being dutiful toward them and loving toward your own child.

Sounds to me like family counseling is needed so that you get to understand their views, so they understand yours and so your husband understands both. Instead of figuring out how to win this war, you need to find out how to make a truce.

Answer 3

I'll apologize before i start because you aren't going to like this.
But i can't help but feel you must have been pretty naive, if you seriously thought taking on a guy with two teenage kids, no matter how nice he may of been, was going to be anything other than very hard work.
It's cruel of me to say this but the fact is you are not their mom, if i know this then you can rest assured that they do.
However he is still their dad and obviously he wants his kids around as much as is possible, any normal dad does.
So i figure you must have been willing to share this man with his children. Or you wouldn't have picked him as your partner.
In answer to the last part, yes you are wrong to expect they stay with their mother, when ever it suits you. Has it not occurred to you that maybe she is entitled to some say as to when she has the kids too.
The expression you make your bed and you lie in it comes to mind. I'm sorry but you chose this man and you are the one who has to learn to live with your choices. It may well be that your step kids are the spawn of Satan himself, but none of this situation is their fault. I'm quite certain they are far from pleased that their mom and dad are apart. So as far as they're concerned your the cuckoo in the nest, just remember that.
I suggest you learn to be a bit more understanding of others peoples needs and emotions, not just your own.

Answer 4

you aren't doing all you can, from their point of view. you need family counselling to get to the root of your communication problems. as to your husband leaving his kids for you to deal with when he is out of town; they aren't your kids or your responsibility.
I have three children at home, and one on his own. The three younger kids are from my second marriage. I regret ever having had this relationship in terms of how it made my son feel. Step parents are by and large bad for a relationship between the original parent(s) and the child(ren). It is a very rare relationship that doesn't have a bevy of problems, regardless of how committed or dedicated the step parent may be. It seems to me from reading your blurb that you THINK you do what these kids need. It further seems to me from this blurb that you are not in fact doing it. If those two kids were a priority to you and your husband, you would not have had another child until that relationship was on solid ground. this is undoubtedly how the older kids feel and it is probably reinforced by their mother. In the end, with kids, it is always what you do, not what you say, that makes the most impression. If your stepkids thought you were devoted to them, you would not be having these problems. I think only counselling can help you to understand yourself and them and your relationships as a group.
As to your addenda, re the boy killing a pet to harm you, I think the police and the SPCA should be notified, no matter how long ago the incident; this child is heading down the road to psychopathy. He needs help NOW, and you can't be the one to give it to him, because you clearly need help too. It is obvious that much of the poison of this relationship festers in and seeps from YOU. GROW UP

Answer 5

Divorce is hardest on the kids, whether we like to admit it or not. It is rough on the adults having to deal with step children and exes, but I think that the kids are the ones who "hurt" the most. They feel loyalty and love for both parents and sometimes feel like they are betraying one or the other by loving a step parent. Parents can also put strain on the child/step parent relationship by telling them things like, "You don't have to mind her, she's not your mother", "She shouldn't do that", "That baby is going to steal all of your father's time from you". These things cause so much resentment and could be the root of the problem. Feeling left out is very hard on teenagers. The most important thing to do is to make them feel like they belong to your family regardless of what their mother might tell them. Talk to them. Find out why they feel the way they do. Reassure them that they are important to your family. Pray for guidance.

Answer 6

Obviously rules need to be followed at all times and your husband needs to help establish those however, by the tone of your letter I think a bit of immaturity and jealousy might be coming from you. It actually sounds like you resent these step children. Remember respect is a two way street, in order to receive respect you must be willing to give it as well. Perhaps you all need a professional to get a handle on what is really going on here.

Answer 7

No your husband should really take your feelings into consideration. The boys are making your life hell, and even though you are their step-mother their really not your responsibility when dad is away for business. Try and talk to him again and just really let him know the truth as to why you suggest they stay with their mother when hes gone. Hopefuly he will come around and see your having some trouble with them. Good Luck!

Answer 8

You are not wrong to tell your husband that the kids are not sweet little angels. Dad needs to put his foot down, and these kids need to learn that in your house they obey you.

Unfortunately, I have seen pretty much what you describe before.

Answer 9

I do not think it would be wrong, unless there is a court order for the kids to be at his residence.

And .. He needs to step up and talk to his kids and tell them that they need to respect you. And sooner than later.

Answer 10

No but you were wrong to marry a man that had children you couldn't get along with and make another baby. The problem is who is "right" isn't what's important. If you want to stay married to this man you are going to have find a way to get along with his children.