Help Monster-in-Law?

Question

I have been dating my fiance for about 7 years now since I was 15 & he was 18. His mom & I have never had a really close relationship (his family is VERY different from mine) But we have never had problems and have always gotten along. Our 2 families are actually pretty close. I have tried so hard to get close to her but havent been successful. We are supposed to be getting married in less than a month, and she has been being very negative about the whole thing, We are getting married in a resort about 5 hrs from where we all live and when we told her she said "I guess we can all take off work". Just last week, 2 of her sister-in-laws wanted to give us a shower and she made the statement "they don't need no shower". It is really starting to get to me. Why is she being this way? My fiance blames her menopause! My fiance's sister announced that she was getting married right before we did, she is getting married next year does his mom think we are taking the attention away from his sister

She has never said anything even remotely negative towards me up until now. She worships the ground his sister walks on and always compares me to her. His sister is my Maid of honor (thats how close we are) When we went shopping for bridesmaid dresses his mom was telling the people in the store that it was whatever his sister wanted (what about me, it's my wedding) it makes me want to tell her not to even bother coming to the wedding.

Answer 1

I've found through trial and error, that mothers have a lot of problems letting their sons go. She's afraid you're stealing him away, that she is no longer important in his life! Take all the negative comments in stride, and continue to be nice. I know it's difficult when she doesn't seem to like you, but it's best in the long run!! It will get better!!

Answer 2

First of all I am a mother-in-law, I have a new son-in-law. And I am going through menopause too. But my son is a few years away from marriage, at least I hope so, he's only 16. So, I don't have any dealings with a daughter in law or a steady girlfriend yet. But, I want my son-in-law to come and talk to me about problems he has with me. I have told him this. So, why not invite her to lunch, and have a nice talk with her.

I am not sure why she's behaving this way towards you. Especially the shower part. Do you have something she could do? Like help with wedding favors or something. My daughter's mother in law told me, she felt left out of some of the "fun". Maybe that is the problem. She's really unneeded. Go to lunch, and hint around, and if the hinting don't work, just come out with.. What the ..... I mean she should be excited and happy for her son, and I don't understand all the negativty and it's not only hurting you, it's hurting her son too! She needs someone to figure out the problem and fix it. Because she does need to be there at the wedding, and I hate thinking about you have a misunderstanding this early into your marriage.

Please ask her, or get her daughter to pick her brain. Honey, you need to get things on the happy train again, because this is a complete wedding killer. Please pick up the phone and ask her to lunch, you can't make anything worse(I pray so) and get to the bottom of this now. I pray that you find the answer by hinting around, but if not I pray you have the strength to confront her.

Have the happiest of wedding....with a nice calm Mother-in-law by your side, and not the monster....

Answer 3

Having a son get married is a traumatic experience for some Moms, while you are dating their sons they will treat you right, even if you don't get that close to them but once the wedding plans surface and as the wedding approaches they start reacting and understanding that their son is leaving them to have a family of their own does't seem to be that great anymore.
First of all, I would definitely, and I stress DEFINITELY tell your fiance everything, even if he dismisses you or says he thinks you are overreacting, this will make him more alert about anything and everything his mom says or does around you or about you, thus, in case Mom decides to say something spiteful or not nice he can say something to her when it happens be it while you are present or not.
Secondly, be aware that this is a woman who will always be present in your life, he is the mother of the man you are marrying and will be grandma to your children, so you have to learn to play your cards right with her, but also get the point across that you are her sons wife and he chose you for a reason. Set rules from the get go. If there is something you don't like, or want make it clear in a polite and nice (I'm the best daughter in law) way.
Third, Daughters come before sons...it is a sad truth, if she is protective of her son, she will be even more of her daughter(s), and this will be for life as well, when you have children, she will love them dearly, but when her daughter has kids, she will be all over them, all the time. Don't feel offended by this.
And last (but not least) the menopause factor, it might be true or not, menopause does affect women, it makes us moody and hormonal, but as we are adults, we are able to control it to some extent, so I wouldn't believe this too much, maybe that is the excuse she is giving your fiance.

I wish you the very best on your wedding and hope that this whole monster in law situation becomes a thing of the past for you. Enjoy you day, enjoy your husband and try to focus on the last days before the wedding, have fun with it and don't let other things interfere with your moment.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I'm sure she'd be this way even if her daughter wasn't getting married. Some women are just that way and if you're lucky that your fiance sees the way his mom is being, then if you just leave her alone, you won't risk straining your future with her. Also if you leave her alone, and all other relations are ok between both families, then she may eventually come around. In the mean while the only opinion that matters to you and your fiance is each others. Don't worry about her. Only you can give her the power to do anything regarding your life and she'll only have that power if you get dragged in when she's running her mouth.
It sounds like you've taken the high ground and it will just make you look better. When she's being difficult and you're keeping your cool, everyone will think "oh that poor girl, she's being so sweet and civil toward her monster in law", including your future husband.

Answer 5

I don't understand why she's being this way...you two have been together long enough for her to get use to the idea that her son will be marrying you. I think you really need to sit her down just to two of you and ask her if there is something wrong. That way you'll get an honest answer instead of hearsay and speculations.

If she says she just doesn't like you, make her tell you exactly why and see if you can counter her points. Assure her that you aren't trying to take away her son (if that's how she's feeling). Then be honest in return and tell her that she is driving you up the wall and give her the examples you gave us. It could be that she doesn't realize what a B#$%^ she's being to you. If your mother-in-law-to-be denies everything and you know she's acting phony, inform her that she needn't come to your wedding at all since it was just such an inconvenience for her to take the day off work. Let your fiance know this too. See if he has your back.

Your story makes me sooo glad that my future mother-in-law lives two states away and usually can't take any time off work to come visiting.

Answer 6

Wow this is a tough situation. The best way to handle it is to be honest. Make her aware of how much her caddy comments is bothering you. Approach her in a way where your not attacking her, but convey to her that what you want is her acceptance because it is important to you. I would say menopause has effected her emotionally and she is also suffering the empty nest syndrome. Help her feel apart of something, and that she is contributing in some way. Even if that is just her mere acceptance and positive energy. Reveal to her your true feelings of how you have always wanted to be close to her because you respect her for raising such a wonderful son. Approach her in this way. She is a woman, and as a woman she will respect your honesty, and possibly recognize your needs as well as her own.
She may very well need someone to point this out to her, because she needs to know all though it is not her special day,
she is special by being the wonderful mother that she was to her son, and allowing you to be a part of it. If you dont confront this situation before you get married then you are projecting this kind of relationship into your marriage, which could cause alot of problems in the future for you. Confront it dont enable it.
I wish you well

Answer 7

This is her problem, not yours. There is probably nothing you will ever be do to change her, but you can change your attitude. The best thing you can possibly do to keep your sanity is to be as nice as you can possibly be to her...especially in front of your fiance. I mean so nice that you need to grit your teeth to get through it. When she makes a cutting comment, like the one about your shower, just smile at her and laugh--say something that feels absurd like "You're probably right, what would we need from a shower." or turn the tables, and say "You're so funny, but I would love to get together and spend time with everyone. If you're worried about people spending money on gifts, let's just skip that part and just relax together." The key is throwing her off balance all the while being perfectly nice. Because your fiance will start to notice if you continue being pleasanty and Mommy dearest doesn't..and in the long run his is the opinion that counts. Also make sure that you don't make comments about her being mean a lot. If you hold back and shut your mouth about the little things, it gives you much more leverage if something big comes along. He'll be more likely to see your point of view and not just write it off as you over-reacting or misinterpretting his mother.

Answer 8

I really think it all has to do with her fear of being replaced in her son's life. You'll understand if you ever have a son. A mother is relied on for so much and when her son gets married, a lot of those needs are then taken care of by his new wife. The wife then becomes the primary female in the son's life, when it has been mom for so long. My son is 17 and I am already dreading the day he gets married and doesn't need me anymore! So, although I know it is difficult, please try to be understanding. Put yourself in her shoes. You have to try to understand that this is also a stressful and difficult time for her. I know it's hard, but don't take it personally. I'm sure it really has nothing to do with YOU, as regards to liking you, she is just going through a kind of withdrawl, but she will be ok at some point after the wedding, and your relationship will return to normal.

Answer 9

I had the same problem. She told me straight out that no one will be good enough for her little boy. So thats what it is, its her little boy and always will be and you're the she-devil thats taking him away from her. You can't let it bother you so much. Mine was so upset that I wanted a real wedding and not her idea of a reception which was paper plates and streamers and baked beans (not kidding) in the basement of the church. I actually wanted a nice wedding and reception and didn't let her make any of the decisions and she gave me the nickname "princess" and I just laughed it off. She tried her best to crash the reception by getting drunk and acting like an idiot and being loud, but just made herself look like an ***. Its really not personal even though it seems like it is. He could be marrying Miss America and she wouldn't be good enough either.

Answer 10

She sounds like she is jealous. And maybe she is not forgetting anything negative that has gone on in your relationship. I say (what my Mom always told me), "kill l'em with kindness". Sounds trivial but the more you are nice to her the more she will get that you are not going to go away. Be genuine, too. Ask her without sounding like you are being critical of her if there is something you can do to make your relationship better. Chances are it is not just you but a lot of other things in her life, too, besides your fiance's saying menopause. Is she jealous of how your family life is? Do you subconsciously compare the fact that your family lives are very different and act superior aboput the fact that you may think yours is better? I did that but got over it quick! From experience I will say that you can't always count on your future husband to be on your side. It IS his Mom after all. Don't give up on her.

Answer 11

My guess is you are taking her baby away from her, and she is having trouble adjusting to the fact that someone else will now be helping and loving him.

As far as where you are having the wedding, remember it is your wedding, and hopefully you only have 1, so have it where you like.

If you were offered a bridal shower, then accept it. Why disappoint others just because of what 1 person thinks.

I would tell her (the next time she makes a negative comment) that you are not trying to replace her, he will always have just 1 mother who loves him like she does, but you are trying to add to his life and make him happy, it is possible for 2 people to love the same person.