I have to make a HUGE decision here and I am so afraid to make the wrong one.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years, he has 2 children from a previous marriage and he and I have a 4 year old together.
When my husband and I are alone or with our youngest we get along pretty good but when his other kids are around the stress builds and we fight. His kids can't stand me and I can't figure out why. I care for them, cook, clean, talk to and listen to them. I am firm but fair and give them structure in a comfortable home but...they will not accept me. It is so bad that my step son (15yrs) actually shot one of my most beloved pets while I was away on a holiday and he shot it because his sister told him to...to hurt me. My heart was broken but there were NO reprocussions for what this kid did. Life went on as usual for him...I suffered the loss and no one cared. I feel that no one cares at all about my feelings in any of this.
2006-09-20 02:56:34 · 36 answers · asked by twistedkitty15 2 in Health ➔ Mental Health
I have the opportunity to leave and live at a shelter, get my life back but that means that I have to disrupt my little ones life (he just started school, JK), I have to find homes for my beautiful pets because no one here will care for them.
I have been in a shelter before because of this relationship. I know that they are great places for abused women like me but they are NOT home. They do however provide huge support and counciling.
I am so sad and confused. I love my husband for many reasons but I don't know if it is enough to contine allowing myself to be poisoned by this cruelty.
Am I wrong to let two children and an over protective father kill a relationship?
Help...??????
2006-09-20 03:03:32 · update #1
My husband works out of town a lot and...especially since the "pet" incident I have asked him to make sure that the kids go to their mothers when he isn't home. Over and over again there is some sort of excuse and I have one or both of them here with me...alone. Just last night I had to dicipline my step daughter, she talked back to me and I put my hand up in front of her face and told her to stop talking. Within minutes she was on the phone to her mother telling her that she was terrified that I was going to beat her. I HAVE NEVER LAID A FINGER ON HER, OR ANY OF THEM...not my style. ! I told her that if she didn't like being here with me when her father isn't here then she shouldn't be here! Right after that she is on the phone to her father telling him that I told her she isn't welcome here. He chewed me out for that.
1 oclock in the morning her mother drives a 45 minute drive here to get her. Leaves me feeling like ****
2006-09-20 03:32:49 · update #2
I lived a similar situation with my ex-wife. She had two teenage daughters that were allowed to do basically anything they wanted. My wife allowed the 18 yr old's 23 yr old boyfriend to MOVE IN with us! Then, on one occasion, the 16 yr old's boyfriend was allowed to spend the night in her room with the door closed.
I got out. You should get out. There is no place for you there. You are just a convenient girlfriend that does housework. You are not a wife, or you would be given the privileges of one. You are not a mother to those children, because your husband will not permit it. It's not the kids fault really, it's the fathers fault. He does not respect you, therefore he does not require the children to respect you.
GET OUT NOW, and thank me later!
2006-09-20 03:01:31 · answer #1 · answered by Joe & Amy 3 · 6⤊ 0⤋
First off, I am sorry about your pet, I know that pain very well.
I am a Behavior Specialist and I have worked with troubled teens for years in a therapeutic group home and before that, in a Psychiatric hospital. Now, you must take this teen's behavior serious! Any teenager who holds enough anger toward you to kill your pet is in trouble emotionally. He needs help immediately! I fear for your safety! and your baby's safety. I do not have the step children's medical or family history which are vital when trying to assess behavior; yet, I encourage you to get in touch with a family counselor or psychiatrist who can direct you in helping this teen. I suspect you have no input in their lives, but you must look out for your safety and your baby's safety. This is a must! Obviously the parents of this teen do not care enough to get him help, so you have to stand alone, but stand strong. Furthermore, I question a man's character that would allow such viciousness to happen without strong interventions.
Please! Please! I beg of you to seek intervention as soon as possible before the anger shows up in a more dangerous way. Call the boys school counselor! Animal cruelty left unchecked is a nasty recipe for a future criminal.
There is a lot of anger with the breakup of his parents and you are seen as the cause, whether you are or not does not matter. All the step kids see is the other woman and the baby that has their daddy's time. The reason you two do not get along when his kids are present is that he knows how critical the anger is with his kids and he does not want to push them away by being a strong dad. He just wants you to ignore all the behaviors and let it go.
Please do not allow this to go unattended. If you do, you will regret it in the future.
2006-09-20 03:18:44 · answer #2 · answered by Leisha D 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you have to ask yourself what happened in his first marriage that they are now nolonger a family. did these kids get any couseling when the family broke up? if you where on holiday where was you husband ? how come the kids where at your house?to even have access to your pet. it is illegal to shoot an animal how come the police were not notified?these kids show you the same amount of respect that your husband gives you. how is that working ? is your relationship with him that good that you would allow this behavior for this long . remember your 4 yr old is watching his siblings treat his mother this way and it will not be long before he begins to treat you this way.behavoirs and manners are picked up very easily by your smaller child . this has to sop today or your relationship with your own child is going to change and it is not going to be for the better. dad is not using his head pretending it is not happening is not going to make it go away it is only going to get worse. it is quite apparent that dad is not going to stepup to the plate and be the parent he needs to be it is up to you to be the parent for this 4 yr old and get him out of this situation. he will need couseling also he is watching mommy be treated this way and it can not be sitting well with him cause he seems to be the only one who loves you. be the parent and remove yourself and your child from this damaging situation before it becomes...deadly oh yeah it already has what are you waitng for?! you are your childs only hope .no matter how much you love your husband your child has to come FIRST.thats what being a parent is you too need some couseling because this is a no brainer. the minute he killed you pet you should of packed your bags and hit the highway!!!!!!!!!!!! part two:throw him out let him go to a shelter after all you have a child now . plus you have been to the shelter before because of this marriage did he hit you? lets say he did go to your nearest court house and get an order of protection from him and his children and have him removed from the home if money is an issue go to social services they will have every thing you will need they will even get you child support alimony make your stand and throw his *** out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. good luck and god be with you
2006-09-20 03:30:39 · answer #3 · answered by singleandback 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well not matter what you do they are prob never going to like you ever. my stepfather raised me with my mother and i still hate him with a passion, I hate my stepmother too.I think the only way a child will have a chance of likeing the new partner of their parent is if the parent that is nit around has passed on..I think that might be one of the only reason my bfs kids like me they are young but still kids are not stupid...You should how ever have called the cops on the kid for killing your pet it is murder...You and your husband need to sit down. have a nice long talk about it. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you dont want to lose the last 6 years and put your child through this but its not a safe or even a good emviorment for your daughter to be raised in..and if he is not willing to try to make things better then maybe leaving him is your best bet..
2006-09-20 03:15:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Going to a shelter is pretty extreme, but isn't sanity worth it? You did not say if you worked outside your home or if you have any job skills. Shelters usually have lawyers to assist women with divorces and obtaining support from their spouses. The shelters will probably help you find work and a place of your own.
You can not love someone you puts you in second place. The child killed an animal and suffered no consequences for his actions OMG! No discipline or therapy? Get out before he shoots you or your child.
Once you are on your own you will be ashamed of yourself for not doing it sooner. I know your reasons for staying. The same reason all of us women stay in awful relationships. We try to preserve the family. Well honey, this family will have to go on without me, because the only thing you are doing is making their evil life more comfortable by cooking, cleaning, washing, running errands, etc. etc, etc, etc. God Bless
2006-09-20 03:13:43 · answer #5 · answered by Annie R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband needs to get in there and disapline those children. I can understand how you feel, tho my husbands two children live with their mothers. I am sure that you are not here for husband bashing, BUT, it sounds like he doesn't care to much for you. My little brother had a gun for a while, he pointed it at the TV and it was smashed with the sledge hammer. If he would have shot one of the family pets, he would have been in a world of hurt. You need to speak to your husband about this, if it doesn't change, you may need to leave. Good luck with all.
2006-09-20 03:03:08 · answer #6 · answered by gin 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If things are so bad, and you can't cope tell your husband you need him to talk to the children and find out what the problem is. You might be shocked to find that your not the caring step-mother you think you are.If it is that the children are just brats,then your husband should be defending you to the back teeth.If your husband doesn't want to know or you can't sort something out you'll have to consider separation.You can't go on like this or you'll end up on your own anyway. Goodluck.
2006-09-20 05:07:47 · answer #7 · answered by Countess 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I to am a step mother and I can only tell you that from experience the older children feel that you are the blame for their family not being together..Even if you had nothing to do with their parents break up...It also seems that now Dad has this new woman in his life and a whole new family and that they are not important anymore...Try including them in everyday functions involving the 4 year old...and always set aside time to spend with them without your child..It will get better...
2006-09-20 03:06:40 · answer #8 · answered by Mechelle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave them. shooting a defensless animal to get to you means they don't deserve your love nor your care. Screw them, why should you deal with that crap? Start over, go somewhere else. Scum like that doesn't deserve you to entertain them.
If that little $hit even thought about killing my cat i've had for 8 years i'd do more than leave them. I'd take the little pr!ck out for good.
In response to "additional information."
Listen it's for the best if you leave. I'm sure you'd rather have your pets looked after by someone else then have them killed for fun by your husbands children. I know you have a young son, but i'm sad to say, these things happen to alot of people. You may have to make short term sacrafices to get your life back on track and move on. Do whatever is necessary, just from the information you've given i already highly dislike your current family. Please just get out, it's what needs to be done. I wish you luck.
2006-09-20 03:01:58 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Family counsiling is a must here... Your husband needs to set down some rules here, but his guilt is getting in the way.. I am sure the mother of these children is filling them with there dislike, combined with the fsact that they perceive you as the steeler of their father.. This is a case for Dr Phil. I am serious, this will ruin your marriage, trust me.. Everyone here is hurting and noone is dealing with emotions.. They are all actions and ther needs to be some open lines of comunication.. This is going to take comitment on all parts, so good luck and remember it is important for you to take care of yourself.. Only you can change you and only you can protect your sanity at this time.. Hurry up and start some counceling for yourself.. Good Luck.. It is so sad that we can't all just get along..
2006-09-20 02:58:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋