anyone got a joke about australians?

Question

i'm in oz and need some payback for all the pommie jokes i keep getting, can you help me out?

Answer 1

A Queenslander who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs,
"That's about average in QLD. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"

Answer 2

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his butt like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The colour divine,
But the scent-ah! that was a failure.

Another young man from Australia
Went on a wild bacchanalia.


He buggered a frog,
Two mice and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.

An elderly couple were on a visit to Australia and were driving along in the outback when they saw a man copulating with a kangaroo.A few miles on,they saw another man copulating with a kangaroo..
"That's disgusting," said the husband."I'm going to report this to the hotel when we get back."
They arrived back at their hotel,only to see a man with a wooden leg masturbating on the front step of their hotel.
The husband stormed in to see the hotel manager."My wife and I are appalled.This is a five-star hotel and we've seen two men having sex with kangaroos and just now we saw a wretched man with a wooden leg masturbating on the steps of your hotel.What have you got to say?"
The manager replied:"Struth,mate,you expect a guy with a wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

Three Australians-Bruce Bill and Herbie-were sitting in a bar in the Outback.Bruce and Bill were easy going guys,but Herbie had a speech impediment which made him bad-tempered.As they were drinking,who should walk in but Red Adair,the famous oil well firefighter!
Bruce recognised him immediately."Look" he said."It's Red Adair."
"Yeah, that's right," agreed Bill.
"No way," barked Herbie."That's not Red Adair."
"Trust me," insisted Bruce."It is."
"Sorry, Herbie," said Bill."But I'm with Bruce on this one.It is Red Adair."
"No it's not,"said Herbie,becoming more aggressive by the minute.
"It is Red Adair," said Bruce.
"Yeah,it is," echoed Bill.
Herbie slammed his fist down on the table."No ,it's not. I'm telling you,I know what Red Adair looks like.I ve seen every picture he made with Ginger Rogers."

An Australian asked a woman whether she would have sex with him.She refused."In that case," he said,"do you mind lying down while I have some?"

Answer 3

You'll never fine a posh Aussie, even the richest households call lager & spirits "Grog". You could always laugh at the names they give for things and places, inspired by five year olds. Bet they've even named something squigy brown jumnping thing.

Answer 4

There was a pom and an aussie driving in the outback and thet came across a sheep with it's head caught in a fence. The pom gets out (use Kiwi if you like) and pulls on his velcro gloves and starts shagging the sheep. He finishes up and turns to the aussie and says 'Your turn mate' So the pom/kiwi sticks his head in the fence. Haha. I love that one. If you want to get them where it hurts (and please don't hate me) Who was supposed to sing at Steve Irwin's memorial?

Sting!

What were they serving for food?

Croc pot.

Please forgive me =)

Answer 5

It's not a joke. An American and an Aussie were discussing how spoken English is different in their countries. Said the Aussie,"In your country a BISON is a buffalo, in ours it is something we wash our hands in".
So I guess it is one up to the Aussies.

Answer 6

So he keeps driving and that they start up arguing simply by rigidity of the row with regard to the invoice and he or she finally say to him that she needs a divorce. "it incredibly is all top via me" he says "i've got have been given each and every thing i want" She then says i want the domicile, the automobile, and all of the money interior the financial corporation" "it incredibly is all top via me" he says "i've got have been given each and every thing i want" "So what have you ever offered if I take each and every thing?" she requested. " nicely he says, as he selections up speed and heads at recent in the direction of a stable stone wall, "i've got have been given the airbag!"

Answer 7

Hey blue! Did ya hear about red? They reckon he's turned yella.

Answer 8

( I am an Ozzy so i can tell this joke)

What the difference between Australia and Yogurt....









Yogurt has a culture after 200 years!!

Answer 9

Sorry luv, theres just no jokes about aussies, cause well.. basically. We rock!! lol

Answer 10

PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS OFFENSIVELY:

>>Subject: Irwin Again
>>
>>Steve Irwin gets attacked by a Giant Ray and is killed instantly.
>>
>>As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should
>>go and
>>
>>tell his wife."
>>
>>Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
>>it."
>>Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
>>
>>Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
>>
>>Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
>>
>>"That's unbelievable, you told Sheila her husband was dead and she
>>gives
>>
>>you beer?"
>>
>>"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said
>>to her,
>>'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I
>>
>>said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."