Need your opinion on this one..?

Question

My sister has a six year old step daughter. The mother abandoned the little girl when she was six months old, so her biological dad has custody. My sister has been in her life since six months old and is trying to adopt her. The biological mother won't allow my sister to adopt her. They go to court in 2 months to see if they can proceed with adoption without the consent of the Biological mother. The little girl does not know that my sister is not her mother. When should she tell the little girl, if she gets to adopt her that she is adopted? My sister and the dad are married and are raising her as the traditional parents. Please do not tell me that it is wrong for them to do that, b/c that little girl is loved to death!!! She is the only child that they have. My sister found out a year ago that she cannot have children of her own. They intend to tell her but do not want it to be detrimental to the child's confidence. They will be going to a counselor before and after they tell her.

Answer 1

First of all, I admire your sister. Normally, it is men taking this role in the relationship. If you don't mind, I need some more information. Is the biological parent active in the little girls life? Has she contributed anything towards the well being of the child (diapers, clothes, school supplies, parent teacher conferences, money etc) You said your sister and husband go to court in two months to see if the adoption can go ahead w/o consent, and chances are, they won't be able to if she has already contributed. If this is a case of neglect, it would be a whole lot easier, however, most courts side with the biological parent, especailly the mother. HOWEVER, if the B/M has NOT been active in the childs life, that would make things a whole lot easier for your sister to be placed as the adoptive mother. The judge would probably have them take out a newspaper ad for four to six consecutive weeks stating that they are looking for her, and if she does not appear, then they would go back to a judge and explain that they have done everything they can to get her permission. The judge can then decide wether or not to terminate rights. And, last but not least, I am sure there are other laws in different states, but this is my experience, there may also be a law stating that if the Biological parent has been inactive in the childs life for five years or more, then they automatically terminate rights, as long as it can be proven. As far as telling the little girl, this is so important. The most important thing that she will ever learn, and you want to make sure that it is not at a young age (like 6) that you tell her. It would not give her the emotional stability she needs to process the feelings she WILL go through. But, she has to be told, probably the best time would be around 10, maybe 11. I am not a professional, everything that I am telling you is coming from my OWN personal experience, only it was a sperm donor that decided not to be active, and my husband who wanted to adopt our daughter. It is highly frustrating when you are the one reading books, tucking them in at night, taking care of them and doing everything that a parent should be doing, and yet, somehow, that ONE person still has some say. How, I will never know, and I stopped questioning it a long time ago. Where ever you live, you can log online and look at the laws yourself. The states that I know these laws from are NY, TX, and VA. Just tell your sister and husband that everything will happen that is supposed to. And someone up there will on their side when the time comes because it takes such a specail person to do what she did. I hope that this helped some. God bless, and have a great day.



One more thing, I know that everyone is going to have opinions on telling your neice, however, the thing is that unless you have gone through this personally, or you are a professional that knows how to deal with it, there is nothing that can prepare you for the range of emotions that are felt. People that have not been through it really can only have an opinion, not an actual understanding of what really goes on. Your sister and husband need to prepare themselves for the slew of questions that will come. Why did she abandon me? Why didn't she love me enough? What did I do wrong? What does she look like? Do I have sisters and brothers? And last but not least, the most heartbreaking of them all....I really need to see her, can you help me find her? To have professional help would be, at least, some sort of guidance, and family support is so important. They should NEVER say anything bad about the B/M merely because of the way that they feel. And they shouldn't completely stop talking about her at all once your neice knows the truth because that will make your neice uncomfortable in asking questions, and pretty soon, you will be dealing with a very depressed child. And, really, the age thing, I said 10 or 11, it all comes down to when your sister and BIL feel comfortable enough to tell her, when they FEEL she is ready to hear what needs to be said. Just don't NOT tell her because you don't want her to find out and be betrayed.

Answer 2

I commend your sister, but in reality, which we all have to face one day, the truth will come out sooner or later. I understand that the biological mother isn't anywhere around, but the child has a right to know. Your sister is her mother now, and I am sure that the child will never change her feelings for your sister. At her age though, I don't know if the time is right for them to tell her now. That is a tender age and she may not understand completely what is going on. Your sister is a special person and she must have a huge heart........GOD BLESS HER

Answer 3

I was told I was adopted when I was 6 years old. Fortunately, my parents did not have the drama that your sister has to deal with. Best of luck to her...I hope she wins the case.

Answer 4

THAT IS GREAT!!! THERE SHOULD BE MORE PEOPLE THAT EXCEPTING! I THINK THE LITTLE GIRL IS STILL TOO YOUNG TO BE TOLD! I WOULD AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL SHE IS OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND , YOU SAID THEY ARE GOING TO COUNSELING THE COUNSELOR WILL GIVE THEM A HEADS UP WHEN TO TELL HER!TELL YOUR SISTER GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS! MY HUSBAND IS IN THE PROCESS OF ADOPTING MY SON AND WE ARE HAVING TO GO TO COURT TO BECAUSE MY EX-HUSBAND IS FIGHTING US BUT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY SON SINCE HE WAS 8 MONTHS OLD AND NOW HE IS 9 YEARS OLD!

Answer 5

Wait untill she HAS to be told