ok I will make this as short as possible. My ex fiance has not seen his daughter in 5 months. mInd you that he has rights to her every weekend. I set it up that way.Here is the problem I found a note on my door yeasterday when I got home from work from his g/f whom he cheated on me with asking if she could buy my daughter a christmas gift..The problem is that they have not been around for 5 months and just popped in to buy her love. I went through this when we were together. He has an older child and I pushed him into getting her and having contact with her and I stopped pushing so he got her at christmas and her birthday ..which ok she is 8 and remembers who he is .my daughter is 2 and does not know who he is because he simply walked out of her life....should I let them buy the gift and let them in when? I do not know what to do I am still not over him but I am trying to do what is best for the baby.He has missed alot in the past 5 months.. please help? GOING OUT OF MY MIND
2006-09-20 00:46:04 · 18 answers · asked by thunder_rainclouds 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
well I went through the same thing as you are going through and I finally got fed up with the walking in and out thing and only using his child to get attention from others. If I were you I would simply tell him that unless he is ready to be a man and step up to his responsablities and be there for his child and be an active parental role model for your child then by all means let him, but if not tell him to hit the road. She'll be better off.
2006-09-20 00:55:46 · answer #1 · answered by BabyGirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Being that I was a child in this situation growing up I can understand where you are coming from. I hate when children are put in the middle of adult problems. Unfortunately that is how things work a lot of the time. I'm not saying that you are doing it, b/c I by no means blame you. I don't see anything wrong with accepting the gift. Your daughter is young enough that she isn't really going to understand the whole buying love thing. The 8 year old, on the other hand might. I have been there myself and it is great when you are young, but when you get older you see past it and realize what is going on. It is ultimately your decision, but if you don't mind a present at Christmas time, and he probably does owe it to her, then I would go ahead and allow it. Unfortunately he is probably never going to be the father that the kids need, but a father regardless is sometimes better then no father. Although, I really don't know your situation and if there is abuse or anything like that, then I take that back. Sounds to me like you and your ex need to sit down and have a conversation about the children. You seem to care about them a lot.
I wish you the best!
2006-09-20 07:53:10 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you more upset because this girl (who left the note) is the girl your ex cheating on with? I know it sucks, been there done that. Honestly your daughter won't really even care who it is from. You could tell her it is from the Man on the Moon and she would believe it. I think you are still very hurt and upset over your ex, I understand. Personally I think her leaving a note is pretty cheap thing to do. He can't call? He can't stop by? Let them get her a gift. I know right now he doesn't seem like the "daddy of the year", but you still owe it to your daughter that she knows "daddy".
Maybe he will grow up and start being more like a dad or maybe he won't. Don't go out of your mind over this, it isn't worth it. Save that worry for strength for your daughter.
2006-09-20 08:00:20 · answer #3 · answered by little fairy lady 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I always welcomed my childrens father in their lives. That is not a choice weather they are here or not. I would say " if you can see your daughter but we will not accept any gifts" as this is not the way you want to raise your daughter.
My oldest daughter has a different father. He was around the first year of her life. When she was 15 months old he moved out of state. He does see her when he is up here (hes only 2 hours away). At 2 and 3 years old they still held a bond that you and I could not understand. She is 7.5 now, sees her dad when he is here, and still holds that bond with her dad. She just smiles ear to ear. She will also go months without seeing him.
Put your feelings aside and remember this is for your daughter.
Also you said that the girlfriend did this. It needs to be her father not the girlfriend.
2006-09-20 07:54:25 · answer #4 · answered by erinjl123456 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its obvious that this man is no father, however its who you choose to be the father of your daughter. Your relationship with him has nothing to do with your daughter and his relationship with her.
Let them bring a gift and visit. Keep it open that he can see her when you said he can. Oh and if he is not paying child support, get a lawyer and get that done. He's responsible for his child no matter how he chooses to interact with her. Don't let him off the hook.
I wouldn't bring it up him not visiting her, simply let them bring a gift and visit. Your daughter will grow up to know who is her parent and who doesn't really care at all about her. Children are not stupid and their love can not be bought. Just be the better person, you won't be disappointed in your daughter, but allow her to find her own relationship with her father.
Oh and never ever bad mouth him in front of her, don't talk to her about how he treats her other than to comfort her. Don't make excuses for him, telling her "he's busy" or something, simply tell her the truth, that he isn't visiting because he chooses not to, and she should ask him why he doesn't. Good luck.
2006-09-20 09:21:28 · answer #5 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is very selfish and will probably remain that way for the rest of his life, or at least a very long time. I would not push the relationship thing between he and his daughter, it may cause more harm than good. (for her) I would simply explain to him that you are going to give him another final chance to be a dad to his daughter. He needs to be consistent either in or out of her life. Back and forth is both confusing for her and an emotional roller coaster for you. You need to move on and let him go. Girlfriend whom he had the affair with, well she will see,what does she think she got. A man who did not respect his relationship with you the mother of his child or his child enough to try and make the best of the family he created. So, it wont be long and he will be cheating on her also. Move on girl, don't give him the time of day as far as a relationship with you. While your wasting time on him, there is probably another good man not getting a chance. There are good men out there.
2006-09-20 08:45:29 · answer #6 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before I would let him back into your child's life I would insist
that he take some parenting classes. Unless the guy was in jail
for the last 5 months he has no reason for being absent from his
child's life. Hopefully he has been paying child support. If not
take him to court and get it. Finally get some counseling for yourself. You will be a better person and a better mother if you do.
2006-09-20 07:57:04 · answer #7 · answered by Precious Gem 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The most important thing is how is he as a father? Is he good to your child? Does he treat you with respect? These are important things that should be considered . If your relationship with him did not work out , it is one thing, but if he has other good qualities maybe he would be an asset in your daughters life. Let him into her life, but talk about him being there not in and out of her life as he chooses. Most important is to try to work out what is in the best interest for your daughter. Good luck...
2006-09-20 08:31:20 · answer #8 · answered by perrisgal 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are doing a great job. If your ex's girlfriend is reaching out, start talking to her and form some sort of alliance, if possible. That way at least your daughter can see her father. If her father doesn't want to see her, its all on him. Gifts are ok, it's a sign that she wants to be in your daughter's life. Good luck. Hope everything works out.
2006-09-20 08:01:04 · answer #9 · answered by mindrizzle 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Christmas and birthday gifts are fine, but no in between gifts. You don't want him to think he can buy her love.
Don't let him back into YOUR life. You are too good for a man who will never love you like you deserve to be loved.
My best advice is to pray. Pray in the dark. Pray with your heart. Ask for help. Ask for blessings. Not a quick prayer, but real time with the Lord. It is really amazing how He works things out for you when he is asked. My little sister is still amazed this works for her, being she doesn't attend church, but it does and it will. Good luck and God bless you.
2006-09-20 08:16:25 · answer #10 · answered by MommyBekah 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋