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My hubby expects me to read his thoughts and to know in every moment what to do or say without asking him. He wants me to understand him but does not want to communicate with me openly. When I told him to tell me, what is wrong and what can I do, he just said that if I don’t understand, then I am stupid, that I have to take care what I will do in the future because he cannot stand it anymore.

However, he is never willing to tell me clearly, what the problem is, but rather just a half-truth, "throwing the hook" and wait for me to get the point.

For example, he promised to go for a walk, and I was ready, then he told me he was sleepy. I said OK, let's go, it will wake you up… After the walk, he went to bed and said that he didn't feel good. I thought that he was just sleepy and I insisted to go for a walk, but I didn’t have any idea that he is ill, because he didn't tell me so. He was expecting me to understand the word sleepy as ill, what I didn't.

Of course, I told him that I don't like it and that I expect him to communicate more concrete with me, but he usually started yelling and accusing me for everything. I simply have no right to say anything I don't like, because always it will be my fault. I am expected to pretend that I don't know anything and that everything is OK even when it is obvious that there is something wrong.

Furthermore, he said that he wanted to keep me out of his problems because it bothers me and I am not strong enough to know about it.
On the other side, he thinks that he is fair and good to me and that he is doing everything for me to be happy and that he is desperate because he knows that I am not. But he still doesn't want to se the things from my side.

I feel lost and helpless and I am afraid to make any step further to do something for us. I feel he just does not respect me, treats me as a child.

Please, don't tell me to talk with him, because I have tried so many times and it does not work. He also doesn't feel like going to some therapist – he thinks the problem is in me, not in him. He does not cooperate and he underestimates my side of the problem so I just need to do something only for myself.

All I want is to get back my self-respect and make him respect me.

2006-09-19 22:51:09 · 10 answers · asked by smiiile 2 in Health Mental Health

10 answers

It's called transgression or even to certain extent transferance. He is trying to make you feel the way he feels. There is someone or something effecting him the same way he is affecting you. He is losing respect for himself,somehow, and putting you down on his level.
Feeling sleepy is a sign of depression or even feeling achy all the time..it is very introverted self-way of feeling sad for yourself.
Do not get me wrong..There is obviously something ouside of your relationship that is effecting him. However, you also need to think about your self. You are obviously depressed, he is as well,even though he will not say it,so it looks like both of you are in a downhill spiral.
You made the first step by asking for help. Be the leader again, don't let him bring you down,but, stand up and support him to the point he is forced to let out his emotions and become one with you again.
Remember, Please ,Please , Please respect yourself. You are someone that is only you--no-one else.. Which means that you are special. Do not let anyone ever kill your spirit. There is no definition of the word "stupid" that I know of that really makes any sense.
Actually in schools in my area, the kids are not even allowed to use that word, even if they are discribing an inanimate object..it is considered a dirty word.
I know this may sound selfish,but, think about yourself! If you do, others will think about you and look up to you, and rise to your level!!!!
Think about it...Why should you not be happy? How many lives do you think you have?
Think about yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-19 23:26:29 · answer #1 · answered by trazzor 1 · 2 0

You can go see a therapist whether he does or not. Therapy may help you to gain back your self-respect and you MUST respect yourself before he will ever respect you! Even if you DO gain back your self-respect, you will have to come to terms with the fact that he may never respect you...some people are just not capable of doing so!
The problems you are having are way more than I would attempt to address here, not to mention the fact that I am not a therapist!! BUT, I've come through some pretty hard times when it comes to relationships and what I said above is part of what I've learned.
Try reading a book by Melodie Beattie called "Codependant No More" and see if you see yourself in this book. . .
Lastly, try starting with something really simple...do ONE thing that brings you pleasure every day...it may be taking a walk by yourself, it may be reading a book just for you...window shopping...participating in a hobby...something just for YOU. This will help shift things in your life so your every breath does not hinge on something your husband does or says...in the long run you may find that your respect for yourself and for him will increase as you do this...

Good luck!!

2006-09-19 23:00:48 · answer #2 · answered by purplepinkanddots 3 · 1 0

You desperately need to go to a therapist by yourself and share all this with her/him and get the help you need to break out of this torturous situation.
I am a close friend with a women confronting a similar situation, and it is a living hell. Do promise that you will seek guidance and help from a professional, be open in your discussions and to their recommendations. Do not let this defeat you!
Good luck!

2006-09-19 23:11:51 · answer #3 · answered by ElOsoBravo 6 · 1 0

Honey, this was hard for me to read. You don't say how long you have been with this man. I was with his twin for 20 years.
He does not want you to understand. He wants to control you. He can only accomplish this by bringing you low. He can't rise above you because he doesn't even like himself. These types are often attracted to us because they desire charactaristics that we are strong in and they are lacking in. Once they have us in their grasp they try to break us by killing the very things that drew them to us.
The picture you see of me here is what I looked like during that marriage. Wasn't I pretty? He had me believing that I was stupid, fat, ugly and unlovable for a dozen years. It all changed the day he drop kicked my 10 year old daughter. Mamma took control yet I still felt responsible for him in many ways. It took him feeding me rat poison 8 years later to get me gone. My children tell people; "Mom worshipped the ground he walked on for a year. It took her 19 to get rid of the son of a *****."
You will only get your self respect back when you are out of that den of misery. He will respect you, as mine did, about five years after you are gone. You see by then you will have begun the life that you can make for yourself and he will still be in his pit.
What can you do for you? Pack only the clothes you like best and the things that are most important to you. Go somewhere that you can be alone for a couple of days. Get your hair and nails done. Enjoy a play or movie or treat yourself to lots of junk food, whatever you enjoy. After your weekend or couple of days are over, GO LIVE A GOOD LIFE.
LIVE WELL, BE HAPPY. FOR TODAY IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS GIVEN YOU. REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT.

2006-09-19 23:15:58 · answer #4 · answered by scootersgram 2 · 2 0

Start by treating yourself exactly like you want him to treat you. Honor, respect and take care of you. Love him if you must...but love yourself more. Find the help you need to live with or without him.
Good luck

2006-09-19 23:45:57 · answer #5 · answered by ceci 1 · 2 0

Get out of there. That's called emotional and mental abuse. The only way you can get your self-respect back it to leave him and make a life for yourself, and any children you may have. As far as "making" him respect you. If he doesn't now, he never will.

2006-09-19 23:24:28 · answer #6 · answered by mindrizzle 3 · 2 0

To hell with him!!! The only way you are stupid is because you stay with this useless idiot!! THAT IS stupid!! He controls and manipulates you because he knows you will let him!! You will NEVER have self-confidence as long as you stay with men like this, and this is just the way they like it!! GET OUT NOW!!! This guy is a loser.

2006-09-19 23:00:47 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

You are living with Hitler....he is crazy. You should create a scene and let him know, if he still cant get you, well i m sorry to say but you must dump him. This is not normal at all.

2006-09-19 22:55:07 · answer #8 · answered by Jendralus 5 · 0 0

Have you been too naggy? Give him some space, maybe he has got problems that you are not aware of and he think you can't help.
I think he needs to be left alone. Try it out.

2006-09-19 23:14:48 · answer #9 · answered by Cool 6 · 1 0

leave him

2006-09-19 22:55:39 · answer #10 · answered by cvegas229 5 · 0 0

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