can some one help revise my paragraph?

Question

Nameer Ascandar
Dr. Sako
English 98
September 17, 2006
Ruth McBride Jordan
Ruth McBride is one of the most important characters in the Color of Water, she is know for her toughness but at the same time known for her great big heart, her altruistic and the love for her children. “When I was fourteen years old my mother picked up two hobbies riding the bicycle and playing the piano.” (5) First of all, Ruth McBride lived a very tough life raising eleven children on her own without her husband, and also being the only white woman in the neighborhood with black children and still kept her attribute. Second of all, she went through lots of racism and experienced the importance of being black. “The Jewish school didn’t really count with the white folks, so I went to the white school, at Thomas Jefferson Elementary”. (80) With all the discrimination she persevered and did what was important to her, which was going to work, going to school, and practice her religion which was a conventional thing for her. Ruth’s success in life and in developing a good family came from her belief in her self, her rehabilitation, and braveness. Ruth lost the freedom that she had in the south like getting with her own people; she worked a tough job and was paid low. She had no choice but to communicate with black people and basically lived the life of a black woman which was very hard for her especially back then. Ruth had lots of difficulties in her life even with her father. “I was afraid of tateh and had no love for him at all. I dreaded him and relieved anytime he left the house” (42) her father was a racist and didn’t like black people, but she didn’t agree with him and was always a part of black party. She lost her belief in white people and became interested in black people because she found that white people were all about racism and hate. Ruth’s success wasn’t something easy to do for a regular woman, therefore she is known as a very tough person and a big heart towards her children.

Answer 1

you have a lot of grammatical errors, mostly comma issues. also, work on making your quotes work in smoother. it should seem like the quote belongs there, in should flow.

Answer 2

I have reprinted your essay paragraph with some of the more basic changes that I might incorporate into it. Places of note that I had particular issues with are addressed below the paragraph. I didn’t address the actual grammar of the piece but instead focused on the overall presentation and continuity. Good luck with your revisions. I hope that my notes (while perhaps overly elaborate) are somewhat helpful.

Ruth McBride is one of the most important characters in the Color of Water. While she is known for her toughness she is also known for her big heart, her altruism and her love for her children. “When I was fourteen years old my mother picked up two hobbies riding the bicycle and playing the piano.” (5) First of all, Ruth McBride lived a very tough life raising eleven children on her own without her husband, and also being the only white woman in the neighborhood with black children and still kept her attributes. Second of all, she went through lots of racism and experienced the importance of being black. “The Jewish school didn’t really count with the white folks, so I went to the white school, at Thomas Jefferson Elementary”. (80) Despite all the discrimination she persevered and did what was important to her, which was going to work, going to school, and practicing her religion which was a conventional thing for her. Ruth’s success in life and in developing a good family came from her belief in her self, her rehabilitation, and braveness. Ruth lost the freedom that she had in the south like getting with her own people; she worked a tough job and was paid little. She had no choice but to communicate with black people and basically lived the life of a black woman which was very hard for her especially back then. Ruth had lots of difficulties in her life even with her father. “I was afraid of tateh and had no love for him at all. I dreaded him and was relieved anytime he left the house.” (42) Ruth’s father was a racist and didn’t like black people, but she didn’t agree with him and always considered herself a part of the black community. She lost her belief in white people and became interested in black people because she felt that white people were all about racism and hate. Ruth’s success wasn’t something easy to do as a regular woman, therefore she is known as a very tough person and a big heart towards her children.

Questions:

1.In your first quote (speaking of her mother)… what relevance does this hold to her life? What is the purpose of this quote as it relates to the rest of your piece? You need to expand on this because as it stands it seems as though you were simply filling space with a random quote. Is this Ruth’s mother that we are talking about? Is it instead one of her children speaking about her? When writing something like this it is important to approach it as though your audience has never read the work you are referring back to- this means that you need to help us understand who is talking and the importance of the quote. You obviously put it here for a reason- now you need to tell your reader why you chose it.
2.Towards the end of your paragraph you address the reason that Ruth lost interest in white people but you also need to provide her motivation for transitioning into the black culture. For example: “She lost her belief in white people and became interested in black people because she felt that white people were all about racism and hate while the black community provided her with a sense of warmth, connection and acceptance.” Now- I know absolutely nothing about Ruth or the piece from which you are working but you can see the general idea I am trying to present. There is a cause and effect situation here. So far you have provided a cause for her to break from the whites but not one that shows her drive towards the blacks.
3.You say in your last sentence that “Ruth’s success wasn’t something easy to do as a regular woman” but was she really a regular woman? What constitutes a regular woman? From what I am given to understand from your paragraph she is anything but regular. She has eleven children, she raises them sans husband, she insinuates herself into the black culture of the time, she was apparently sympathetic to the racial inequalities that were prevalent and the list goes on.
4.You state that “She had no choice but to communicate with black people and basically lived the life of a black woman which was very hard for her especially back then.” My question for you: What is the significance of “back then?” Can you elaborate on this a little more so that we the readers are given a sense of the time period that this is taking place in? There are many clues within your paragraph that would lead to certain conclusions but you need to elaborate as fully as possible so that your reader is pulled into the time period in which all of this is happening.

A Note on Transitions: In your piece you use the transitions “First of all” as well as “Second of all.” These are generally not easy on the eye. As larry j pointed out, your paragraph should flow. Using numerical listing in your piece makes it inherently choppy. Try a substitution for these. Instead of “First of all” try something like “Ruth’s toughness is evident in that she was able to raise eleven children without her husband. Her determination allowed her to keep her attributes in the face of the adversity that surrounded her as she raised black children in a predominately white neighborhood.” Use the same basic technique to replace “Second of all.”

Generalized tips: You do tend to have some issues with your sentence structures but overall good concepts and visualization. Something that you might want to address in this piece and to keep an eye out for in your future writings are instances such as: “therefore she is known as a very tough person and a big heart towards her children” She isn’t known as a big heart towards her children, she is known as having a big heart towards her children. It is a small but structurally fundamental difference. It is a common mistake in many people’s writings and most often reflects hurriedness. Slow down and make sure to read and then re-read your piece several times for spelling errors or places where you have omitted words.

Just my interpretations… =)