I dated a guy that I met on line for 9ish months and, after numerous lies, I found out he is very married with two children and broke it off. To this day, he continues to deny being married (although he just bought a new house with his wife).
Although I am not a vindictive nor revengeful, and hope that someday he'll be able to work things out with his family, I am wondering whether I should call and tell his wife that he has an ad posted on a personals site and marked as single? I spoke to a few people whose spouses left for someone else, and they all said that they wish someone told them earlier.
My heart would break to have to call her to tell her this, however, I can't help but think how this selfish act hurts his family.
2006-09-19 16:46:26 · 38 answers · asked by FunInTheSun 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I admire what you did. That you stopped getting yourself involved with a married man who pretended to be single. Most women just don't care at all. But you do. In your case, I suggest that you'll just leave them alone. The time will come that somebody else will spill the beans to his wife. Because if you are going to call the wife and tell her how a lying ******* her husband is, 2 things will happen. Either she'll be thankful that you let her know or she'll get mad and will accuse you of making up stories just to wreck their family and their relationship. What's worse is that the wife will trace you and find out who you are. And we also don't have any idea what kind of a person the wife is. Like how she'll react to a situation like that. So I think it'll just be better if you just forget the guy and everything and put it behind you.
2006-09-19 17:04:21 · answer #1 · answered by ~Amor~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave the selfish act that is hurting his family between him and his family. Otherwise you will end up being the person that the anger and hostility will be vented on. You may or may not realize this now either but th wife most likely knows whats going on. She has chosen to live with it the way it is for now anyway. She may have to make a more fullly informed decision later but for now she is doing the best she can with how it is. Go on with your life and don't dwell onwhat has happpened in the past. If anyone ever comes to you to talk about such an incident don't talk LISTEN and COMFORT .
2006-09-19 16:54:39 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are going to gets tons of answers that fall on either side here...
I can only assume you do not know his wife, therefore you are really not the person to be telling her anything. The dynamics in his home are not ones you actually know and telling her could cause a hurt, or even a danger you know nothing about.
What I would do is contact the dating site and report him, you probably can get him kicked off to be honest....which is a decent start to get his mind rolling. Also, If you know him well...call him and tell him that he is about "this" close to having his wife called.
I know you want to care about her feelings, however telling her may really not solve the issue of him being a total a**!!
2006-09-19 16:51:46 · answer #3 · answered by my1215boo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tough call. Try de-personalizing the situation by pretending that everybody involved is a total stranger. If you knew of a total stranger whose spouse (also a stranger) was cheating, would you walk up out of the blue and tell the person? If you would, thinking that he or she has a right to know, then you should do it now, too. If not, thinking that it's none of your business, avoid it now, too. Fact is, you wrote this guy out of your life, and you have no connection to his wife, so he might just as well be a stranger.
If it were me, I'd probably say something. I hate liars and cheats.
2006-09-19 16:53:41 · answer #4 · answered by Jonathon M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An acquaintance of ours found out her husband was doing the same thing when someone finally had the courage to step up and tell her. After finding out about it, I often wondered if I would have had the courage to call her and be the one to tell her had I been in a position to do so.
What I finally decided is that yes, I would have told her had I known. I saw the pain and heartbreak she went through, but I also know that what they were living was a lie. Her husband had gotten in over his head, and he had dragged her and their children down with him. Armed with the knowledge, she was able to finallly face him and force him to make some decisions about what he was going to do. He ended up having to change a lot of things in his life in order to keep his wife and children. They are now working on keeping it together. I don't know how they are doing, but I cannot imagine that knowing has made things worse.
I have known other people, both men and women, who were deceived by unfaithful spouses. I know that it is very hard news to hear, but I also cannot think of one of them who was not grateful to finally find out the truth. When you know the truth, you can assess things realistically, and make responsible decisions about how to proceed. Someone very close to me has told me many times that they wished they had known, rather than finding their spouse with someone else, and finding out that way.
There may be those who tell you you are cruel to tell her the truth. They will tell you to mind your own business, or they will think that you want to tell his wife so you can get back together with him. I hope you will ignore that. What they cannot see is that you are helping her, and giving her a way to protect both herself and her kids.
Please keep in mind that it may not be welcome news. She may think the worst of you. She may even re-direct her anger from him onto you. It sounds like you are not friends, so I cannot see how that would hurt you in the long run. Just remember that you are doing the right thing.
Godspeed,
Bronwen
2006-09-19 17:01:51 · answer #5 · answered by Bronwen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Who's to say she would believe you anyway? I say break ties with that man all together. You got out of the relationship, just leave it alone. If the wife is naive enough to not see whats going on around her its up to her regarding what she wants to do with it. I'm sure she has some idea, 9 months is a long time to have an affair and your spouse not know about it.
2006-09-19 16:51:00 · answer #6 · answered by c_jayo6 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is really not your business. You do not know this woman, or their situation. Yes, the guy is a dog but you are not responsible for this woman, her kids or this family. Nor are you in charge of making sure she knows what her husband is doing.
I would imagine she suspects something is going on. Obviously their relationship isn't solid. Let them deal with it on their own. If she were family or a very close friend that is a different story, because then you are part of that life and you do have a responsibility to family and friends.
Leave it alone and move on.
2006-09-19 16:49:32 · answer #7 · answered by seaelen 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No, I wouldn't call. His dishonesty with his wife is a problem between the two of them and doesn't involve you at this point. If she asked you directly about the situation that would be different. I commend you for your care and concern for the wife but you need to set up boundaries between yourself and both the husband and wife . This is a common situation that occurs in therapeutic and professional counselling. The people vary but the answer remains the same.
2006-09-19 16:59:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Now how did you find all that out about him?You sound revengeful and vindictive,you drop him so just move on,he'll tell on himself sooner or later.You calling his wife,telling on him and breaking up his family so you can feel better is selfish.
2006-09-19 16:58:54 · answer #9 · answered by master_der_man 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You are contradicting yourself, you're not vindictive nor revengeful? So what is it if you call and tell his wife? He will be found out eventually
2006-09-19 16:54:31 · answer #10 · answered by BB 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋