What is the funniest joke you can think of?

Question

The funniest joke I can think of is:

There where two muffins in an oven.
One muffin said "wow, its getting hot in here."
The other muffin said "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

Answer 1

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the
merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm
getting a boob job."

The second woman says, "Oh, that's nothing, I'm thinking of
having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Wow, I just can't picture your
husband as a blonde!"

Answer 2

I know a bunch of jokes so I will fire this one out there .....
what do a woman and a rubber have in common ????
They spend 1 percent of the time on your D I C K
and the other 99 in your wallet

Answer 3

one day two men who are driving thru Ohio expirence some car trouble in the middle of nowhere. the first one says to the other "I think i saw a farmhouse a few miles back, maybe if we start walking now we can make it there before dark."
Darkness falls and the men reach the farmhouse. they knock on the door and are imediatly greeted by a kind old farmer. He hears of the men's troubles and offers to put them up for the night. "You can stay under one condition," he said. "Don't even think of ******** my teenage daughter."
"No problem."
The teenage daughter then walks doiwn the stairs and the men thought she was the hottest girl they'd ever seen.
Well one thing leads to another and the girl ends up sleeping with both men.
The next morning they are awoken up by the farmer with a shotgun pointed in their faces. "Wake up you little bastards! I know what you did!" He leads them to the back yard the gun still pointed at their heads.
"Are you gonna kill us mister?" one asks
"Not if you can complete a task for me." says the farmer. he tells the men to go and collect a hundred of one kind of fruit and bring them back asap.
The first guy comes back with grapes and the farmer tells him to shove all 100 of them up his butt.
he gets 20 in starts laughing and they all fall out.
he tries again and gets 40 in before laughing.
he tries one last time and gets all the way up to 60 grapes in his as.s, starts laughing and they all fall out.
"What the hell's so funny boy!?" the farmer asked as he ****** his gun.
"I'm so sorry, but my friend is back there picking watermelons


also


one day a a rich supermodel is walking down a beach and comes across a man with no arms and no legs who was crying.
"What's wrong?" she asked
"Oh nothing, i was just thinking, i've never been hugged by anyone in my entire life."
"Well that's terrible" she said giving him a hug. "Bye now."
"Wait." He shouted thru the tears.
"What?"
"I've never been kissed"
"Fine." and she kisses him and starts to walk away.
"Wait!"
"What!"
"I'm sorry, it's just that i've never been screwed before."
At this point the supermodel throws the man in the ocean and says, "There, now you're screwed!"

Answer 4

A LITTLE BOY GOES TO HIS DAD AND ASKS, "WHAT IS POLITICS?"

DAD SAYS, "WELL SON, LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT THIS WAY:
I'M THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, SO CALL ME THE PRESIDENT.
YOUR MOTHER IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF THE MONEY,
SO CALL HER THE GOVERNMENT.
WE'RE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS,
SO WE'LL CALL YOU THE PEOPLE.
THE NANNY, WE'LL CONSIDER THE WORKING CLASS,
AND YOUR BABY BROTHER, WE'LL CALL HIM THE FUTURE.
NOW THINK ABOUT THAT AND SEE IF IT MAKES ANY SENSE."

SO THE LITTLE BOY GOES OFF TO BED THINKING ABOUT WHAT
DAD HAS SAID.
LATER THAT NIGHT, HE HEARS HIS BABY BROTHER CRYING,
SO HE GETS UP TO CHECK ON HIM.
HE FINDS THAT THE BABY HAS SEVERELY SOILED HIS DIAPER.
SO THE LITTLE
BOY GOES TO HIS PARENT'S ROOM AND
FINDS HIS MOTHER SOUND ASLEEP.
NOT WANTING TO WAKE HER, HE GOES TO THE NANNY'S ROOM.
FINDING THE DOOR LOCKED,
HE PEEKS IN THE KEYHOLE AND SEES HIS FATHER
IN BED WITH THE NANNY.
HE GIVES UP AND GOES BACK TO BED.

THE NEXT MORNING THE LITTLE BOY SAYS TO HIS FATHER,
"DAD, I THINK I UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF POLITICS NOW."
THE FATHER SAYS, "GOOD, SON, TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHAT
YOU THINK POLITICS IS ALL ABOUT."
THE LITTLE BOY REPLIES,
"THE PRESIDENT IS SCREWING THE WORKING CLASS WHILE
THE GOVERNMENT IS SOUND ASLEEP.
THE PEOPLE ARE BEING IGNORED AND THE FUTURE
IS IN DEEP $H|T.

Answer 5

Blonde joke: Two blondes each standing on one side of the river bank with the river in between them. One blonde yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side??" The other blonde yells back, "You ARE on the other side!!"

Answer 6

There is a hunter hunting in the woods when all of a sudden he spots a dead elephant.He looks around and a Pygmy (small person) walks up.the hunter says "how did you kill such a big animal?" the Pygmy replies"i used my club"then the hunter says how big is your club then the Pygmy says "there's about 30 of us."

Answer 7

A bear and a rabbit wear taking a dump in the woods and the bear turns to the rabbit and says "little rabbit do you have a problem with shi* sticking to your fur?" the rabbit said " no bear I don't have a problem with shi* sticking to my fur at all" so, the bear wiped his *** with the rabbit.

Answer 8

Two men are making love, one of them asks "what have I done to become so lucky". The other frowns and answers, "you wouldn't be asking if you had let me gone first".

Answer 9

a skinny little white guy steps into an elevator and sees a HUGE black man.the little white guy stares in awe.the big man says "7 ft tall,350lbs,20in private,2lb left testical,2lb right testical,Turner Brown."
the little guy faints .the big guy leans down and revives him.
little guy "what exactly did you say to me?"
big guy "i just answered the questions everyone asks"
"7ft tall,350lbs,20in. private,2lb left.2lb right,my name is Turner Brown."
little guy "Turner Brown?...sweet Jesus,i thought you said turn around"

Answer 10

How do you define eternity?



Four blondes at a 4-way stop.