How to handle this????????

Question

I am 21 years old and mom to a great son named eddie. I got married last year to a man i met in my parenting class who is 28 years old and has a 13 year old daughter named claire. My husbands daughter did not live with him when we first got married and even met she lived with her mom. But unfortunatley her mom was arrested for drug use and possesion with intent to sell i believe. Ever since she has lived with us and been nothing but a problem. My husband only really paid child support and saw her maybe once a month now he is in Iraq. I have tried to bond with her trying to do things with her but she just hates me. More over i found a pregnancy test under her bed while cleaning? I suspected she was up to something but my husband just ignored me saying she was just in puppy love with her bf. I spoke to her and she told me she had sex i made her tak the test and it was positive though light.

My son is only 4 so my parenting skills are not this far yet

Her dad has been away for only a 2 months and this happens! I am panicking!!!!!!!!!I made a doctors appointment for next week but i feel helpless right now!

Answer 1

you and i both know that light or not.....if the test says positive...it's pretty much a given that she's pregnant.

Good going with the Dr. Appt. I would also recommend family counseling. You need someone to give you some pointers -- you can't possibly imagine what all this child has been through to help her develop her way of thinking....and your husband doesn't know either -- he wasn't around to see what kind of influence Claire's mom was..... My bro's new wife is having this same experience, with my niece.....and therapy is the only thing that has made their relationship possible. My neice's mother was a nasty horrible woman (and drug addict).... My sis-in-law has taken charge...and enrolled herself, my niece, and my bro in family counselling.....and it is helping tremendously. Don't give up. Too many kids in this world are given up on....and they become tomorrow's problems. You can do this. Take care.

Answer 2

The doctor's appointment is a good place to start. That will not only give you the answer to the immediate question - whether your 13 year old stepdaughter is pregnant - but you can ask for referrals for the next steps.

Frankly, a 13 year old doesn't need to be pregnant, so depending on how pregnant she is, it may be time to think about whether everyone concerned would be okay with an abortion. Otherwise, well, you probably know the options as well as I do.

The other issue is that this young lady is troubled, and it's no surprise. There's no telling what kind of home environment she grew up in, with a mother using and potentially dealing drugs and a father who was pretty much out of the picture. So. One immediate step is to get her into therapy. She may not be able to talk to you, and she may scorn the whole idea of therapy, but she needs to start talking to someone to work out her issues.

As for you, this whole situation stinks. You aren't her mother, you aren't her father, you may not even particularly like her at this point, yet you're the responsible person left holding the bag. Of course you're going to have to have a chat with your husband, but he's off at war - he's not going to be able to solve this problem.

It's good you tried to be friendly with her, but at this point bonding is a pretty useless exercise. If you can manage to be firm but polite, as well as sincerely interested in what's going on with her, you'll be entitled to a medal of some kind.

Does she have any relatives that she's close to? Any grandparents, aunts, or uncles? I'm wondering if one of them could step in to help neutralize the situation or even let her live with them for awhile.

You mentioned a parenting class. Are you still in contact with the teacher? I wonder if this teacher could put you in touch with other resources or give you tips on managing this especially difficult stepparenting situation.

I'm sorry for everyone involved in this situation, and I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

Let's face it you are the woman in her eyes that stopped her mother and father from ever getting back together, anything before now that could have said wouldn't change that. So now you have a really big problem that is gonna change everyones life. She is really young to be having a baby but things like this happen. So now you should tell her that you aren't happy but are gonna help her deal with it. Then she needs to tell her father on her own. The father of the baby needs to know and then his parents. A group meeting should take place and a plan should be made. She needs to get on assistance and keep her appointment with the doctor. Things were tough before but they are gonna get worse. You can be her Alli or her enemy. If you want things to work out I would be her Alli. She doesn't need to be yelled at or punished, whats done is done. Tell her you are there for her. My mom told me this quote and it still makes me want to cry. It is a sad thing to think about but it is true. "Give your children room to spread their wings and a warm place to come home to." So Be calm and you WILL get through this. Good luck!!!

Answer 4

Teenagers - been there, done that and it is one of the toughest jobs I have had. As you are really her guardian at present as your husband is away, you need to take this girl to the Dr and have her pregnancy confirmed. Perhaps her local school has a counsellor you can talk the matter over with or even the local hospital may have a adolescent support midwife. Does she still have contact with her mother? Perhaps she has relatives of your husband or his ex that you may be able to contact. Adolescence is a particularly hard time when they are trying to find their place in the world. Good Luck!

Answer 5

That is a lot of pressure on you. She does need to see a doctor so she can get good prenatal care. I would recommend her going to an adoption agency to help her with decisions. It would be better for a loving family to adopt the baby than for a 13 year old to become a mom. I would never recommend abortion--the innocent baby is not at fault, and there are so many infertile couples that would love this baby as their own.

Answer 6

You poor woman. Thirteen and girls is not a good combination. I can imagine the attitude. Good for you for taking this on, as if you had a choice. But, it is obvious that you really care and are trying because otherwise you wouldn't be seeking advice. It is very difficult to be a step-parent in any circumstance . . . yours is unimagineable.

Remember that you are in charge. . . but don't feel like you have to prove it to her. She thirteen, so that's already a big factor. She probably assumes everyone is out to get her. And her situation is worse than the average teenager's, her mother is on drugs and her father is at war, meanwhile, she's "stuck" with a step-mom who she barely knows. As long as you have empathy for her situation, and you stay calm, you can do it.

I was quite young when I lost my virginity as well. When I talked to my parents, I didn't want, nor did I need, to be punished or lectured. I just needed a responsible adult to be there for me in helping me make the right decisions. You are her only responsible adult. You're already headed in the right direction by making a doctor's appointment. You also must be doing something right with her if she told you willingly that she's had sex . . . that means she is opening herself up to you and trusting you. Take advantage of that trust to help her. But you must always be the calm one. She will yell, cry, scream, and be disrespectful . . . but you are the parent . . . you are the adult.

If she ends up pregnant, I would suggest you hug her, cry with her, let her know her options (without including your preference or judgments), and then let her know you will stand beside her in whatever decision she has made.

If she's not pregnant, this may be an excellent learning opportunity for both you, her, and your husband. Take the time to talk with her (not to or at her). Make sure she doesn't feel like you're judging her. Then, get her father to back you up in not allowing her to be alone with boys for quite a while.

You said you try to bond with her. Good for you. Make sure you're planning things that she will enjoy, although you may not. Take an interest in her friends, her music, her clothes, etc. Do things as a family, you, her, and your son. Make sure there are moments of laughter rather than just moments of screaming. You also say she hates you. Don't take her attitude too personally. As I said before, all teenage girls go through phases when they "hate" their parents . . . especially when they're putting their noses in their lives. But, that's your job so keep it up. One more thing, it's okay to love her enough to make her hate you for a while.

I just have to say I admire you. I cannot imagine being 21 with a four year old of your own AND raising a child who doesn't belong to you. And all the while, your husband is off at war. You truely are a remarkable woman. Keep up the good work! :)

Good luck

Answer 7

This is your husbands problem and he dealt with it irresponsibly. He obviously is not much of a parent at all and now has dumped his "problem" on you. I suggest you seek out counseling for all of you to deal with the possibility this girl may be pregnant. I also suggest you do the smart thing and NOT take on this new baby but let it be adopted out. You need to insist that your husband be more of a hands-on father, which counseling will help to foster. You need to step back and not do the parenting for him, it's his child and he needs to be a father that he never was to her.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

Try another brand of test. Sometimes one brand will be different than another. She may also be able to tell you when her last period was and you could figure out how late she is. Just try to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. She may be feeling really scared, and having someone she can talk to will help her to open up to you.

Answer 10

WOW! That is a lot to deal with but i think you should talk to her like a friend not a parent she most likely needs all the support she can get. I also think you should try to get her to have an abortion because she is way too young to have a baby. Good luck!!