Hi i am 21 soon to be 22 years old i have a son who is two years old named Vincent and a 12 year old step daughter named nicole. I met my husband at an Italian resturant last year and we have been married now for 6 months. He is 27 years old and the love of my life dispite the age difference.I met his daughter only once a month before the wedding and she is now living with us. Her mother was killed by a drunk driver at 6 yrs and her grandparents(moms side) took care of her after that but were getting to old one needed extra care. I recently graduated from college and in 4 months will be working for an insurance company.His daughter can not stand me at all i have tried being her friend driving her to movies so she can be with friends ect. nothing works, she says i am embarrassing and hates when i drive her to school. I am willing to try anything?Why is she embarrassed of me?
2006-09-19 13:18:15 · 14 answers · asked by Jennifer c 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
also i am nervous i have to go too back to school night with her since her dad cant make it.His daughter has even dared to call me a **** because i am of spanish decent from costa rica and from spain, barcelona.She calls my son a cute bastard or a mutt. My husband and i are from both tight familys his familys italian and others in the family have tried to talk to her but its not helped at all.
2006-09-19 13:19:03 · update #1
Just give her time and space. Be nice to her and it will rub off on her and she will be nice back.
2006-09-19 13:23:15 · answer #1 · answered by delta s 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion, your husband needs to take the lead and get everyone together and talk about it. Its true that the siutation could get intense but thats therapeutic and it will help ease the stress. His daughter is finding it hard to be subordinate or the thought of it, in her perception even though you are not trying to impose.
She's lived with her grand parents all this while and its likely that there were many rules at their place. She might feel obliged to recognize you as the proverbial "step-mom" and is fighting that. She's almost a teenager and at an age where they begin to rebel.
At her grandparents place she must have had a lot of space and she might feel cramped.
You need to also chat with her and actually ask her what the problem is so you both can address it. Let her speak her mind and you tell her what you like/dislike.
Try figuring out what interests her.
Also dont make too much of a fuss about it. After a while she will feel ignored and come around. You DONT need to become STEP-MOM......just be yourself
2006-09-19 20:44:29 · answer #2 · answered by sensa 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The daughter needs therapy. Her dislike of you most likely has little to do with your ethnic background and a lot to do with the fact that you are alive and married to her dad and her biological mom is not. She needs help to cope with such a traumatic loss and also to accept the changes in her life (leaving her grandparents, no longer being the only child, etc.)
Your husband should make it clear that abusive words and behavior will not be tolerated under any circumstance. And he should follow through with concrete consequences to any transgressions to the rules. While her feelings should be acknowledged , you and your son deserve to be respected at all times.
Stop being her chauffeur since she doesn't appreciate it anyway. Your eagerness to befriend her has backfired, let her come to you. Make yourself available but continue on with your life as if she wasn't there. Above all, protect your happy little family. There's a real possibility that this girl may never accept you. Unfortunately, she's fast approaching the teenage years and things might get much worse with or without outside help (family counseling). Best luck to you!
2006-09-19 22:49:27 · answer #3 · answered by Celeste A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think she has a problem with the fact that, your not that much older then her, maybe you should not try being her mom, tell her you know your not her mother and that your young, And that her dad is her parent, But that maybe you could be her friend, and be someone she can talk to if something bothers her, But don`t try to push her, at 12 she feels like she is as much of an adult as you are.
2006-09-19 20:31:08 · answer #4 · answered by theladylooking 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your step daughter. You did not steal his father and not even replacing her mother either. You have to set your foot forward. Demand what you think you deserve. If the father can't do anything to straight things out then, it is your turn to settle what is good for a harmonious relationship. She has fears, anger and insecurities. Work in this areas it might help.
Keep trying, and that unexpected day will come.
Good luck.
2006-09-19 21:53:03 · answer #5 · answered by tangerine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your stepdaughter has had a lot to cope with, so don't take her dislike personally. It's not you. By the way, all 12-year-olds are embarassed by their parents, so maybe it's a good sign that she feels embarassed by you! You may need some professional help with her, due to the losses she has had and her confused attitude about them. I have to admire you taking this on. She needs love and discipline. Her dad has to take the lead, though.
2006-09-20 01:39:12 · answer #6 · answered by The First Dragon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you husband should be doing something about that sh*tty attitude of hers. She probably hasn't had much (if any) discipline and is in dire need of it. Her first lesson should be in RESPECT. You are her father's wife. She's in *your* house and she has to learn some limits in her behavior and what she says to you. If her father won't discipline her, you do it.
Secondly, kids can smell fear. Stop trying so hard. She's either going to come around to liking you or she isn't. That's her choice. In the meantime, you don't have to coddle her, or treat her special or anything else. She knows you want to be her friend and she's taking advantage of it. She can't do that if you don't let her.
I was a stepchild and I had a stepchild. Believe me, they will push your limits if you let them. She will have more respect for you if you have a backbone.
Good luck to you :)
2006-09-19 20:29:03 · answer #7 · answered by Avid 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to put a strong front, if you let her take control then it will be that way the whole time. When ever she desrespects you, you need to punish her. Your husband and you need to come up wiht something together as punishment. Find out how she really feels about you, maybe she thinks your treding in her mothers space.
2006-09-19 20:26:16 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't try to be her friend try to be her parent, she's lost her mom and believe it or not she wants to love you just don't try to make her love you let her love you on her own and at 12 yrs old she might be a little jealous of you.
2006-09-19 20:25:42 · answer #9 · answered by Lauren D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yall need to get help. Not help off of here but other help. Good Luck. Or you could tell her dad to sit down and talk to her. Do somthing. B.c the problem is she wants her mom and dont want anybody to try to take the place of her mom.
2006-09-19 20:25:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
she probably just misses her mom and thinks that your trying to replace her. just give her some time to adjust and for parent teacher night try to give her some space. or ask her if she wants to stay home while you meet all her teachers. don't drive her t school if it embarrasses her so much. tell her to go catch the bus.
2006-09-19 20:26:13 · answer #11 · answered by sabine 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋