How do i get my step daughter to respect me?

Question

Hi i am 21 soon to be 22 years old i have a son who is two years old named Vincent and a 12 year old step daughter named nicole. I met my husband at an Italian resturant last year and we have been married now for 6 months. He is 27 years old and the love of my life dispite the age difference.I met his daughter only once a month before the wedding and she is now living with us. Her mother was killed by a drunk driver at 6 yrs and her grandparents(moms side) took care of her after that but were getting to old one needed extra care. I recently graduated from college and in 4 months will be working for an insurance company.His daughter can not stand me at all i have tried being her friend driving her to movies so she can be with friends ect. nothing works, she says i am embarrassing and hates when i drive her to school. I am willing to try anything?Why is she embarrassed of me?

also i am nervous i have to go too back to school night with her since her dad cant make it.

Answer 1

There is a lot of good advice out there but I would say to respect her, offer natural consequences and be consistent. When it is the hardest to be consistent is when it is the most important.

Answer 2

There isn't much different between you and your husband, five years that's nothing. But he has a daughter that is 12 years old and most people in their 20's do not have 12 year old daughter. He was 15 years old when she was born and then her mom dieing when she was pretty young.

The kids had a hard life, they both had. It can't be easy for her, because no matter what you do you cannot replace her mother. But the age thing can also be a factor, ten years that's not a lot of difference if you think about it.

I'm 23, my brother is ten years younger then me. Yeah he respects me, but at times he doesn't.

It just hard for her, through her eyes, she may look at you as an older sister, then a step mother. At least that's how I would look at it, given the age difference between you two.

But in order to earn or gain any respect, you should start with the apporch of being a friend. Maybe take her out to the movie or do something she likes to do, just you and her. And see where that leads and over time maybe things will be a lot better.

Answer 3

Because she is 12 and you are a parental unit. Get it? It isn't just you, her own mother would have been an embarassment to her. Kids that age just ARE that way. It is part of their growing process. Stop trying to be the girl's friend and sit down with her and your new husband and get some things said. Tell her how you are feeling and LISTEN to HER feelings as well. Even if you think she is being silly, please remember how HUGE everything seemed when you were 12 and 13 years old. Now, add to that a dead mom, old sick grandparents who can no longer care for her, having to move to your house and a new baby around that gets everyones attention. I'd say she has a whole lot on her plate. Perhaps look into some counseling for her or all of you.

Answer 4

Well, first of all, her father needs to put his foot down, and let her know that her treatment of you is not acceptable. It's very important that he express the ground rules for how people in the household treat each other, and everyone needs to stick to the rules.

I would also recommend that she see a counselor. Chances are she's carrying around a giant ball of issues relative to her mother dying, and then having her beloved grandparents taken away from her. She's probably swimming in sadness, having all of her anchors go away.

It's unfortunate, but one of the lessons she has learned in her life, is that the people you love go away, and can't be trusted to stick around. She's going to need time to learn that you all love her and are going to be there for her when she needs you...Learning to trust again will probably not be an easy process, and there will be many tests for you along the way.

Continue to be a good mother to Vincent, and be as loving as possible with Nicole. It will take time, but if you continue to stand by her and love her, she'll eventually come around.

P.S.
All 12-year-old girls are embarrassed by their parents & step-parents!

Don't be nervous about back-to-school night...Be there, like a parent would be. When you get home, tell her dad all about it, and be excited about her upcoming school year. Let her hear the good words and warm tone in your voice. The more often you can reinforce the message of welcome and belonging in the current family structure, the better.

Answer 5

You have become a step mom at the time in a girl life when she is going through so many changes. She has to resent you especially if she only came to live with her dad after you married him. You are young enough to be her sister. I bet her grandparents told her how great and wonderful her mom was. Tell her you know you are not her mom and just want to be there for when she needs you. (trust me she will) She is probably thinking the only reason her dad took her in is because you are there to watch her. It is not true but she is a child and thinks like a child. I know you are little more than a child yourself but, you agreed to take on this responsibility. By no means accept disrespect from her but maybe you can suggest to your husband that he needs some alone time with her. Set up a family schedule and include on it maybe one hour each week when she has to spend time with you. maybe go shopping or just watch a movie and have your son spend time with your husband. She will resist for a while but if you will persist she will look forward to it even if she denies it. Best wishes for a happy family.

Answer 6

Congratulations , you got a 12 yr old and they are embarrassed to be with any adult.. So quit being a friend and be a mother. Demand a certain time to be home,and a certain time for homework and the same for household chores. If she don't like it,pick her up in the rattiest old clothes ya got at school and wherever else she is and if ya got an old car that is rusty and smokey,pick her up in that. Demand she tell ya all her plans for the evening and who she is with or else SHE CAN'T GO!!!!! Those Grandparents spoiled her and don't let her get the drop on you. Be patient,she is going through a rough time sharing you with the man she loves, her Dad!Cause every little girl's first crush is their Dad andyou're moving in on her territory

Answer 7

i am 12 and i think parents who try to hard are very embarssing maybe she needs time adjusting to this change give her space and let her know that you will be there for her when ever she needs u just dont try to hard
o and P.S. she probably is daddys little girl and sh emay feel like u are taking all the attention from her father away so she will have attitude but ask why or tell her u want to know what is the matter cause if u dont know u cant help fix the problem and give Nicole and her father time together she will appretiate u sooner or later

P.P.S sorry about the spelling

Answer 8

i know i am going to catch flack here but do you respect her? I am a step daughter to and my so called step mother doesn't respect me. She is at a tough age things are changing in her life (us girls have all been there) I would just tell her that your there if she needs to talk and ask her why she is embarrassed of you. Be blunt and to the point. The sooner she realizes your not going any where she will warm up. Let her know your there for her but at the same time give her some space

Answer 9

She doesn't know what she feels -she just feels confused. She has lost her mom, she was taken out of the environment she was used to, and now she has a step-mom plus she is probably on the verge of puberty. Give her time and space. I know it probably hurts but try not to get frustrated and become resentful of her. Worst thing you could do. Don't try so hard-things will work themselves out. If she is embarrassed for you to drive her to school-have her ride the bus or drop her off a few blocks down the road. A great movie to watch with Julia Roberts"Stepmom"
It might help. Goodluck!

Answer 10

you need to have a little talk with her
severely and told her in no circumstances that she is allowed to disrespect you , you also need to talk to her father
because it is not fair to you
You also need to understand that even if you were her mother she would have try to disrespect you it is an age thing
she is trying to see how far she can reach with you
and because you are trying to make friend with her, she is using you, you are not her driver she is embarrass by you well she can find her way to school if you live too far or it will no be safe to have her walk to school then drive her, other wise you drive her to the movies only when she behave and she work for it
STOP kissing her butt,
Act like an adult, treat her like you would your own child because I presume that you would never allow your child to walk on you
so don't let her
Good Luck

Answer 11

Her parents divorced, she lost her mother, her grandparents grew too old to care for her. Maybe she is afraid of growing too fond of somebody for fear they will leave too.

Also, does she know the reason she had to leave her grandparents was because they were too old??? She loves them. Maybe she feels that if she can get you to dislike her enough, she will be sent back to live with them.

Hmmm...just for fun and grins, you might try to get a 12 year old's opinion on this matter. 12 year olds usually hang out in the Relationships category, and in Polls and Surveys. You might want to post this letter there.

Good luck.