Hi i am 21 soon to be 22 years old i have a son who is two years old named Vincent and a 12 year old step daughter named nicole. I met my husband at an Italian resturant last year and we have been married now for 6 months. He is 27 years old and the love of my life dispite the age difference.I met his daughter only once a month before the wedding and she is now living with us. Her mother was killed by a drunk driver at 6 yrs and her grandparents(moms side) took care of her after that but were getting to old one needed extra care. I recently graduated from college and in 4 months will be working for an insurance company.His daughter can not stand me at all i have tried being her friend driving her to movies so she can be with friends ect. nothing works, she says i am embarrassing and hates when i drive her to school. Her dad is going away next month to london on buisness for 4 weeks i am afraid all hell will break loose.what can i do?
2006-09-19 12:09:27 · 16 answers · asked by Jennifer c 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I made her favorite meal last night manicotti sorry never had to spell that and she spat the food out and pertended to throw up. I took cooking classes and now i cook well my mother in law even says so and i started cooking at 13yrs old.
2006-09-19 12:13:01 · update #1
His daughter has even dared to call me a **** because i am of spanish decent from costa rica and from spain, barcelona.
2006-09-19 12:15:40 · update #2
She calls my son a cute bastard or a mutt. My husband and i are from both tight familys his familys italian and others in the family have tried to talk to her but its not helped at all.
2006-09-19 12:18:19 · update #3
Husband insits she is fine does not need therapy.
2006-09-19 12:21:22 · update #4
Do not get caught up in her drama. You are her step-mother. She may never accept you. Do not try to be her friend. Do not worry if she does not eat. Do not let her tyranize you. You are the step-mother. She is the child. Be more aloof. Let her worry that you do not like her.
Say things like, I cooked this for you. If you do not want to eat, it is your choice. Say, it is very sad that your mother died. I can never replace her in your heart but your father and I love each other. Say, even if I am embarassing you, I must drive you to school even if you are rude and nasty.
Learn about the Karpman drama triangle.
http://www.ta-tutor.com/!dratri/xdrallp.htm
She is suffering from grief at losing her mother AND her father (or so she thinks). She will give you much difficulty. The more you react to her drama, the more dramatic she will become. Just continue to treat her fairly and above all remain calm, deadpan calm when talking to her. She may never respond to you or she may one day bond with you. It is up to her.
Say her name a lot always with an endearment. Say Nicolehoney. Say Nicolesweety. Say those names many, many times like they are one word. Regardless of what she calls you. Keep up the endearing words.
Keep the love bombing going as much as possible. Do not criticize or condemn her. When she criticizes you. Say Oh, you are right (sarcastically). She cannot say anything more when you agree with her. Oh you are right. Continue to do the same as before but say Oh you are right.
You are older and wiser than she is.
Your husband seems not to be very supportive of you. If he were, he would take his daughter for counseling. You can go to counseling for yourself. You will be having a lot of stress. You might ask Nicolesweety if she would like to visit her mother's grave. You can ask Nicolehoney what she remembers about her mother.
Also, understand that all teens are rebellious. Its hormonal. You were rebellious when you became a teen, right?
2006-09-20 21:54:42 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Welcome to puberty! All girls that age are horrible. But you have got extra things happening here. You represent someone who is trying to take her mother's place. You are close to her father, and you also have a child... an automatic new family for Dad. She may feel that she and her mother are being replaced, and she is acting out. Don't force the relationship with her, don't try to love her, just be nice to her.. eventually the love will come between you both. And as for you embarrassing her, get over that.. all kids are embarrassed by their parental units. Just get used to the idea that as you go anywhere with her, she will walk at least 10 paces in front or behind you, because they don't want anyone to know that they are actually with you. As soon as you get used to the idea that they think that your to "stupid to live", they go away to school and they come back with the understanding that your not quite the imbecile that they thought you were. Don't expect that your step daughter will accept you right away.
2006-09-19 19:27:01 · answer #2 · answered by mischa 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to her. Explain you are both a part of her daddy's life. Ask her how you can work together to make things better between the two of you.
If that doesn't work, involve her dad. Ask him to understand your concern and work with you.
At her age, she will probably not look to you like a step mother. I would let her take her time. She not only lost her mother, but now her grandparents can not care for her. That means two family's have failed her in her life of 12 years. This can be extreemly hard for a child.
I would ask your husband to also get her into counseling if you are not able to do it yourself.
Good Luck
2006-09-19 19:16:53 · answer #3 · answered by erinjl123456 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have no sympathy for her, she probably just doesn't have rules. Remember that you are an adult and she should respect you! And you son! I would send her to a different family member while her dad was gone. She's your step daughter you didnt even really have knowledge of her. Things are only going to get worse, after all she is a preteen. I feel bad for you, stand up and quit trying to be her friend. Maybe if you don't go out of your way to help her she will realize something.
2006-09-19 19:30:38 · answer #4 · answered by mellow_26241 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First she loses her mother then her grandparents were not able to care for her and on top of all that her dad marries, she is going through a emotional state right now, although she should not be taking it out on a two year old. Her dad needs to get involved and go to therapy and if not that spend some one on one with her and reassure her, maybe she is scared she will lose someone else and doesn't want to get emotionally attached.
2006-09-19 19:29:38 · answer #5 · answered by brenna452 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the first thing you need to do with her is find some common ground to build a relationship on. For instance: music, movies, fashion, etc. I doubt you will build a strong enough relationship with her in time before her dad leaves, but I think this would be a good time to get to know her.
That's the key though. She's not comfortable with you...at all and you need to take the initiative to clear that up. I was kind of like that with my stepmother until she would just start up conversations with me about music I listened to and what not. We ended up being really good friends. You may have some rocky roads ahead, but I warn you, if you take the offensive with her and get frustrated or something along those lines you will have to start off at square one with her. Take your time with her and have some fun. Good Luck!
2006-09-19 19:22:15 · answer #6 · answered by Eric S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Gosh! She is being really selfish by making it really hard on you and your husband. You can't blame her though. I mean her mom dies and her dad remarried and on top of that is all the stress of everyday life. You could try therapy for the whole family and see if that helps but I would continue doing what you are doing. But don't try too hard because that will just push her away. In time she will hopefully calm down. Good luck! (( )) *hug :)
2006-09-19 19:23:50 · answer #7 · answered by songbird 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OHMIGOSH! I feel so bad for you!!! I am in a situation similar to yours so I know how you feel! I think you should have talk with your husband about disciplinary actions for when she behaves poorly. Remember YOU ARE THE ADULT, SHE IS THE CHILD! Do not give her power over you! She needs her father to establish that you are her mother now and he needs to demand that she respects you. There is NO excuse for disrepectful behavior from a child, ESPECIALLY one that you are taking care of. You provide for her finacially and emotionally so you DO NOT deserve to be disrespected and she needs to know that.
2006-09-19 19:30:50 · answer #8 · answered by Snail Bunny 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she must miss her mom a lot, she has gone thru a lot and she probably feels very lonely even if she has her dad and you, I know its hard, but I would say give her some space and try to get to know her, how she feels, just watch her, and be her friend.this is really ruff, but imagine how you would feel if you didn't have your mom, I wish i could have better advice for you...I wish you the best and lots of Patience :-)
2006-09-19 19:16:36 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your too young to be married.
Hes 27 with a 12 yr old? so he had her when he was 15...
Great.
2006-09-19 19:14:29 · answer #10 · answered by fcsgolden 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋