Please Help!!! My 5 year old keeps getting in trouble at school. I don't know what to do anymore.?

Question

He's in Kindergarten and as far as I know he does well academically. But they have these color codes: GREEN is great YELLOW means he got in trouble once ORANGE means he got in trouble twice and RED means he's been very disruptive. He keeps coming home with REDS! The complaints are usually that he's not walking in line properly with the class. Or that he's having inappropriate physical contact or that he's just not listening. Of course that last one can have many facets to the behavior.

I talk to him every night about his behavior be it GREEN or RED so he gets the same amount of attention reguardless. When he gets a red he has all of his priveledges taken away and sits in his room for the entire evening playing with his toys and doing homework.

I'm lost and I don't know what to do as far as discipline scince this is not working.

Please feel free to email me if you feel like you can help me through a discussion rather than posting your answer.

Although I have heard that by rewarding him for the good behavior is like bribing him we do have an agreement that he will get a treat at the end of the week if he gets at least 3 Greens.

And telling me that what I'm doing is wrong won't help me. I know that, which is why I'm asking for new options.

The inappropriate physical contact was not discussed further. I assume if it were sexual or anything extreme she would definately have spoken about it with my husband who she sees every afternoon when he picks him up.

By the way he told me he was poking a friend to get her attention

Answer 1

i don't think you should punish him by having him sit in his room by himself. instead you should reward him if he gets a green.
make a deal with him and try to have him behave.

Answer 2

I think you need to talk with the teacher and get a good handle on what is going on. I speak as a Mom of young kids and a second grade teacher.

Do not be too harsh at first. Kindergarten is suppose to be a time of learning to socially adjust. Unfortunetly it has become an academic thing. Work with the teacher on how you may be able to help him learn better socialization skills.

But sometimes there is just misbehavior--and we can over think this,

I have a rule that if there is bad behavior at school there is an automatic paddling at home. It works very well. In your case maybe something like a Red always gets one--and a yellow is a loss of a privilege (or two yellows earns a spanking).

So I suggest giving that a try after helping your son adjust and correcting any of the other problems you may be able to identify.

Answer 3

Can give some tips to help. Our school system uses the same system. Sounds like he is in Kindergarten. If that is so, he's learning about appropriate behavior and everything will come in time. You need to lighten up a little. It is ok to give a small reward when he comes home with a green day and don't make a big deal about a little mess up. If the teacher is a strict disciplinarian, this could be half the problem. Let the child exercise and play outside after school. He sounds very energetic. If you are going to use negative reinforcement, only take one thing away. Positive reinforcement works so much better. We pay a nickel for green days. For 5 green days he gets to choose a small toy out of a bucket. If he really acts up on a particular day, we take away the electronic devices in the family room for one day. We spend 20 minutes a day having him read to us or we read to him, whether he's done well or not. He's only 5, not a miniature adult. On neutral days like a yellow, we encourage him to try harder the next day and that is all. If the behavior is getting worse instead of better, we schedule a conference with the teacher. Maybe a new student is sitting nearby, maybe your child has been moved in a new seating arrangement. Going to school all day is tiring to a 5 yr. old. Try getting him to bed a little earlier at night. Don't give up. If your child is getting in trouble for not cooperating with others, sharing, following directions, keeping body parts to self, maybe you need to have the child tested for ADHD. It is not a death sentence if the child has this. With proper medication, his world will change 500%. With ADHD the child is focussing on everything else except paying attention. I have 2 grandchildren with ADHD and after medication, the days are green and they do not act like zombies.

Answer 4

I also think that the attention shouldn't be the same whether he gets a green or a red.

Tell him every action and decision has consequences. The consequence of behaving well in school are getting a green, and the consquence of getting a green is a reward from you - TV time, or once you get five greens you get to pick a movie at Blockbuster. You can also work toward bigger goals (if he gets 5 STRAIGHT greens, he can have TWO movies in one night, OR he could work towards getting a prize like a bike, if he gets 50 greens by the end of the school year, etc.).

The consequence of bad behavior is getting a red. And the consequence of getting a red will be to undo the green he got the day before, stay in his room and do homework and having to do a chore that he usually doesn't have to, like take out the garbage.

Answer 5

First of all, you need to meet one on one with his teacher. That way you get it straight from the horses mouth. Secondly, has been evaluated or tested for ADHD?
There are few things that can be happening, and it can take sometime to get to the bottom of all of them. I have a child that is ADHD, and he has some of these same issues.
And for all of you that feel rewarding is wrong...well you can have one day with my son and then we will see! There is nothing wrong with this system to encourage good behaviour. And there is NO ONE who can tell me that what I do as a parent is WRONG! Well short of physically hurting the child. Those things are better left unsaid.
Please contact me either through the email system or the IM. I will be more than happy to share some things with you that I have learned through out the years. I wish there had been something like this when he was 3, as a widowed mother of 4 I would have loved some help. So take what is helpful and trash what isn't and what is negative.

Answer 6

Write a letter to the school requesting your child be assessed, for possible development of an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). If you put it in writing, the school will be required to do the testing per Federal Law. When no one knows why a child is doing such things, let's face it -- it's a good idea to have him or her tested. Lots of "bad" kids turn out to actually be suffering from untreated ADHD (there are six kinds of ADHD by the way), or other issue that can often easily be treated behaviorally or by services the school, by law, should be providing (rather than just sending notes home every day, they would be actually intervening and helping back you up, rather than having you do all the disciplining). Also, you can even go to the school and tell them you don't believe in punishing a 5 yr old eight hours after the fact, and that while you will talk to him about his behavior, they need to provide consequences immediately in their setting that are in keeping with school guidelines. Your child deserves to be able to come home and relax after a hard day, just like you do, and shouldn't have to face punishment at home daily for something he doesn't even do at home.

Answer 7

First off the idea of a parent teacher conference is a great one. also find out if there is something bothering your child. Si there a child teacher difference. Is it a learning style difference. It may also help to have you child evaluated to make certain that there isn't a learning disability there as well.(an ADD or ADHD child will often do things like that without bad intent)

also make sure there are no issues with any of his classmates that are making him act up, any major changes at home such as a death in the family, or a pet, a move of a friend or a loved one, children can react to many different things even the birth of a new child can cause a child to act differently is school.

Also talk to you child find out why he is acting this way there may be a reason to his behavior.

good luck Mom of 4kids ages 14,13,11,and 5

Answer 8

My child had a similar problem and although all of these ideas are great (talking to the teacher, rewarding positive behavior, etc). It takes a LONG time for these to work. When the problem could be that he is just not mature enough to be in a classroom setting. Sure he is smart enough, knows his numbers, can draw, count, write and maybe even read. Little boys don't mature as fast as little girls and since everyone loves the perfect little girl who behaves, they become the standard and the little boy becomes the problem. All this talk about ADA and ADHA stems from little boys who couldn't keep still. Or little girls who "acted" like little boys.

Be patient and don't blame your child, he is NOT the problem, socialized schooling is and if you are lucky enough to have a teacher who understands these differences of maturity (making it OK for those to stand to do so as long as their work gets done and they aren't fooling around) you will have a better time dealing with it. And I promise by first grade your son will be ok! Don't focus on punishement, celebrate what is his doing right!

Answer 9

You and I have been in the same boat - I have 2 years on you now! A school counselor told me to "listen" to my son. Is there something deeper going on at school that he is not yet able to bring across and is acting it out emotionally? Is he accepted by his peers? Has he been bullied? Negative experiences in Kindergarten or the early grades can set a child on a pattern he typically wouldn't travel. Just because he is inappropriately touching schoolmates doesn't mean its sexual behavior, it may simply mean he innocently can't keep his hands to himself. Begin sharing with his doctor. My son loves to hug people, and the Dr. suggested to him to "ask them for permission before hugging them." He is hopeful this will help him think before he acts impulsively. Most importantly - you send him to his room to play and take responsibility for his own homework? On nights when he has received a RED, my son is not allowed to play with toys, and instead, we spend an extra hour together, practicing writing, reading and doing any homework I can create. The TV is OFF! on school nights - and he only is allowed to watch 2 hours per day TOTAL on the weekend. If video/computer games are an issue, same rule!
Be prepared - the words ADHD may soon be heard - but YOU need to be the one in control, not the school. Speak with the Dr. . .
I am in complete disagreement with Ritalin such drugs, when I feel the school personnel is using them to make zombies of children they feel do not measure up to the model behavior. They, at times, seem to forget that all children have different personalities. And on more than one occasion, the Dr's. have stated in the case of my son, his happy personality is coming out - not unruly behavior. However, if in a child's best interest (and then only!) will I succomb.

Answer 10

Give him a chance to understand the "hidden curriculum". If he didn't go to preschool, he doesn't know how one should act in school. I would suggest rewarding good behavior, and not punishing for bad. Complement him on even the slightest improvement. Use a chart to show every time he comes home with a yellow and green. After he reaches a certain amount of yellows and greens treat him to something special.

Answer 11

You need to schedule a conference with his teacher. Then you can find out the specific rules for the class and why he is getting reds. If you know what the disruptions are, you can work on improving those behaviors at home. And it is SO important to always reward good behavior. Really make a big deal about it and let him know you're proud of his behavior. Praise always works better than punishment.