How to tell my step daughter that?????????

Question

I am 21 years old and mom to a great son named eddie. I got married last year to a man i met in my parenting class who is 28 years old and has a 13 year old daughter named claire. My husbands daughter did not live with him when we first got married and even met she lived with her mom. But unfortunatley her mom was arrested for drug use and possesion with intent to sell i believe. Ever since she has lived with us and been nothing but a problem. My husband only really paid child support and saw her maybe once a month now he is in Iraq. I have tried to bond with her trying to do things with her but she just hates me. I tried contacting the prison to ask why her mom has not called and it is because the woman chooses not too!i wrote a letter to arrange meetings between my step daughter and her mom and she declined.How to tell my step daughter this?she thinks this is all me and my fault?

I also got a letter from my step daughters school stating she has not been in school the last 3 days asking why?

Her grandparent one is in a nursing home the other died of cancer.

Answer 1

She has been though a lot. With her mom in jail and her dad in Iraq, she has issues. She needs counseling. Please help her. Force her to go. Go with her. It will help her deal with her situation. She probably does not hate you at all. Her life has been turned upside down and she is lashing out.

I wish you and your family good luck, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 2

WOW----- You've got your hands full!! Not only does your step-daughter have all this on her plate, but she's starting to hit puberty and all the fun that goes along with that too, so things are so much more intensified to her right now. Anytime a step-parent is involved, it's usually their fault when things go wrong so that's just normal behavior. Does your daughter know the truth about her mom? Make sure she has the information to contact her mom through letters directly "in case she's interested." That shows you aren't trying to get between the two and take her place. Explain to her that this is the situation you are all in and some how you guys are going to have to work something out. Have her help you with any solutions and be open to her thoughts. As far as school, sounds like you might have to be the babysitter on this one. If possible take her to school, and wait to make sure she goes in. Stay outside for the class bell to ring and wait a couple more minutes to make sure she's not skipping out when no one's around. Call the school around lunch time and make sure she is there still. If she continues to skip, the only suggestion I have is to let them file a truancy report. Maybe police finding her or coming to the home will "encourage" her attendence. It may also make a court ordered counseling session for her as well. I would try to give her a chance to settle up with you first, but if not, sounds like she needs to hear it from a third party that this is what cards she's been dealt and she has to play them the best she can.

Answer 3

You are going to need help. This is a tough one for anyone to handle and you are still very young to have to deal with this. First, seek help; minister, therapist, relative(of hers), etc. Second, you must be honest, kids can see a BS'er a mile away, especially ones that have had the type of adversity this child has obviously had. But you must do it with the helper present, if you don't she will probably just call you a liar and continue to blame you, mostly because you are handy and you represent what her mother should be, but isn't. You should not cover for her mother, but at the same time don't demean or verbally attack her mother either, plain truth goes a long way. Also, you are the adult in the house and the responsible party, act like it and take control. If she isn't going to school, call the school and get them to help you, to the point of letting her have a sit down with the law, if necessary. You are in effect a single parent, for a while, and you must address this problem with full intensity now or it will get far worse if the child thinks she can run over you, for any reason. Godspeed.

Answer 4

I would encourage her to write letters to her mother and explain to her that her mother has made this choice, not because she doesn't want to have a relationship with her daughter but possibly because her mother doesn't want her daughter to see her in jail because she's regretting the choices she's made.

She needs counseling and discipline, sounds like she's always had an unstable home life. If you guys had to take parenting classes you may be in over your heads. Plus an unruly teenager is a lot for a 21 year old mom to handle.

Answer 5

Pfft, 'discipline'? What this girl needs is a loving family who'll pay attention to her and love her when she needs it, even if that means backing away. Give her some time. I know if my mom went to prison and I had to live with my dad and his new wife, I'd hate it, too. (even though none of those have happened) Also, her mom went to jail- you can only assume that it wasn't exactly easy for either of them for a while. Also, just know that you're not being a bad parent, and she's not being a bad child. You're both just unsure of what to do, and you both need a loving family!! I agree with what someone above said: call her mom and let her talk to her, and if her mom refuses, she'll know it's not you. Trust me, it's hard enough to have a parent date someone else, let alone marry. Give her time and space, but never completely just abandon her and leave her alone.

Answer 6

This is a big problem for you, and with your husband gone overseas its is even bigger.
Since you are a military family and the child was placed with you and your husband, you are in a parental role. She doesnt have to like it, but she does have to respect you and others who have placed her in your care.
I would try to get in touch with my husband and ask him if the Military can write up some sort of Power Of Attorney for his daughter while he is away and in your care. Since there is no one else to care for her this is the best route possible unless she wishes to go to Juvie Jail.
I would suggest going to the school and explaing to them your stepdaughters behavour, ask if there is anyway they can suggest help for her. I would as well ask to speak with someone in the Military someone your husband would go to when he has a problem. Having realized that you have lost custody of your child because your wife is just a stepparent and has no legal rights to your child while you are gone would be very upsetting to some people and we dont want this to happen, but as it is most states do not have any laws that give stepparents any rights.
I would however talk with the attorney that handled your husband's divorce and maybe even the judge that placewd the girl in you and your husbands home.
If I knew your state I could help you more.
Best of luck

Answer 7

Pick your battles, and don't sweat the small ones. First, pick up the phone and call the prison while she is listening on the extension or let her ask to speak to her mom and if mom refuses she will know its not you. Second let her see the letter where her mom declined to meet her. Then give her a greatly needed hug and tell her that u won't abandon her. She might need to see a therapist. good luck.

Answer 8

Just tell her the truth and let her know that you love her and that you want to be there for her. She needs guidance and she's crying out for help. In reality, she has a 1/2 a.S.S. mother and an absentee parent. Why was her father not more active in her life? You need to call the Red Cross and he needs to take an emergency leave to deal with HIS daughter. You can only go so far with her.

Answer 9

you defiantly want to pick and choose your battles wisely. I think what she might need the most right now is for you to be her friend. She also needs a mom but its probably hard for her to see you that way being so close to her age. She probably has resentment towards her mother as well which isn't helping your case any. Just try and do something with her that she would like to do. Like take her shopping. She might feel a little abandoned right now. So take things slow.

Answer 10

WOW
You are far too young for this!
My suggestions are foster care, counceling and dad coming home. I know people will disagree with foster care but this child needs people with the experience to deal with these types of situations.
Before I looked into foster care I would try counceling ASAP for both of you.
If you cannot keep her do not let it ruin your life. Do what is in the best interest of this child.
Could your husband get released from active duty because he is the only parent his daughter has?