How to deal with overbearing mother in law?

Question

I know, it sounds like a cliche, but my mother in law drives me nuts. She calls twice a day-- at least. She tries to see us 3 or four times a week -- at least. She has an opinion on every aspect of our lives. We have an infant daughter, and a six year old son, my husband's stepson. She's been asking us to let the baby come visit her for a few hours (we live in the same town) but she doesn't invite my son. We told her that we don't want him to feel left out of going to grandma's house; Take one, take the other too. Suddenly, she wasn't up to it. When we all come over to visit, she won't allow my son to hold or touch the baby, even though we do. She thinks he will somehow hurt her. He adores his baby sister, I've seen no evidence of any jealousy yet, and he's very careful with her. It's not just him, though, because she's even told me, "Cheryl, watch the baby"! She's not a first time grandma, She's got 3 other grandchildren and a great grandson. My husband says I should address this with her, I say, "I deal with my mother, you deal with yours." I don't think it's my place to tell her to back off. Any tips or suggestions?

Answer 1

You know what? I think that it is only fair to say how you REALLY feel since she is able to. Why hold back if she isn't? When my grandmother in-law started to think she could boss me around, she had another thing coming. She hasn't spoken to me in a year and a half, I'm loving every minute of it and now I am just sitting back and waiting till I have the privilege to do the same to my mother in-law. Lucky girl, go for it!

Answer 2

Honey, if you don't, no one else will. He's not going to tell her. She's not going to listen. She'll just get her feelings hurt & things will get worse because she's "old school". On the other hand, you are "young fool" to her "old fool" & you should start out by asking some of the others in the family how she is with their children. If the children are old enough to talk, ask them what they like the best about being at grandma's house & then ask them what's the worst thing that has happened at grandma's house. Their answers should help you in understanding her a bit better. As for the older boy, he'll be an outcast because he's not a blood relative & although this is unfortunate, it is a sad fact of life that will rectify itself when the older generation dies off. If you have taken on the role of wife & mother, then it is your duty to watch over the boy's welfare & a new baby. If you are a first time mother, all elders usually assume that you don't know what you're doing & reminding you to "tend to the baby or look after the baby" is normal, yet annoying! Get her to start talking about when your husband was a child & this might help you to understand some of her reasons for distancing herself from the other child. If not, then at least you'll get a better idea of what your husband had to grow up with! Be patient or just make your scarce until you feel like being a part of the family. Who says you have to have visitors 3 times a week. That seems excessive with a new baby in the house! Invest in an answering machine & lay down some house rules in regards to the times you will receive calls & company. A new mother & child need to have peace & quiet in order to establish a routine. Perhaps you could tell Granny that she isn't making it easy for you to get into the swing of things with your own routine because her calls (& others) are effecting your homelife & routines. Have her call when your husband can be home to answer the phone & TELL your husband this is necessary, don't ask. You are NOW a Mother & your role is different than it was before. Be firm.

Answer 3

Hmmm, sort of damned if you do and damned if you don't. You are going to have to take a stand if your hubby isn't willing, or her behavior is just going to continue. If you can't stand to do a face to face, write her a heartfelt letter on how it makes you feel. If nothing changes, then stop going over there. Chances are she's only doing this because babies are easier to deal with and not likely to go running away from "dear old grandma"....your son is. Is she the same way with her other grandchildren? Or was it just the baby stage she doted on them? If the behavior gets too bad, put her on the spot. Just simply demand answers on why she singles out your son.

Answer 4

wow!! That sounds exactly what I went through!! I have a mother in law that I swear if I could I would slug her!! She use to be like that she would only want to take my son and not my daughter and I would tell my husband to tell her something. I remember once I did try to tell her something and man did that open up a big can of worms I swear I told my husband it was all his fault that she was trippin. She has told me numerous of times that she would not help me take care of the kids and I would just look at her like "how could you say something like that" these are your grandchildren. My son is very attached to her and my daughter tries to be also and sometimes I feel like she just pushes my daughter away. I told her if you don't take my daughter don't come to my house anymore, they are brother and sister and it's all or nothing. For awhile she has not been over to our house. My husband thinks I was mean to her and I told him that my parents have never asked for only one kid and they have never left out one or the other in an activity. I told him he needs to straighten her out or tell her she is not welcome in this house. But yeah that is my story, I am so sorry you are going through the same thing I don't know what to suggest.

Answer 5

It's totally your place!! You are part of her family now, and if she is leaving your son out of things and favoring your daughter, you need to say something! I would ask your husband for advice on how to address her with it, and ask him to get your back, but if you're the one with the problem, you should do the dirty work! Hopefully she's just old and stuck in her ways and will be receptive to your input. Good luck :)

Answer 6

It seems he doesn't seem to notice the problem (men can get like that can't they?).

I ran into the overbearing mother in law as well. I had wanted my husband to confront his mother about it, but his response was exactly the same. It took time until he had it happen to him (her interference) until he finally drew a "line in the sand". I was disappointed it took so long for him to do it. I would suggest you talk with him about how upset you get when it happens, and ask him if he and you both could talk with your mother in law.

Answer 7

Sounds like your hubby needs to grow a sack and tell his mom to back off. He can be diplomatic about it but he needs to do it. She is obviously getting you upset and your hubby needs to understand how you feel. On your end, you should settle down and not be so sensitive. His mom is just so excited about this baby.

Answer 8

Communicate with her and be persistent in getting what is best for your infant.