I am 21 years old and mom to a great son named eddie. I got married last year to a man i met in my parenting class who is 28 years old and has a 13 year old daughter named claire. My husbands daughter did not live with him when we first got married and even met she lived with her mom. But unfortunatley her mom was arrested for drug use and possesion with intent to sell i believe. Ever since she has lived with us and been nothing but a problem. My husband only really paid child support and saw her maybe once a month now he is in Iraq. I have tried to bond with her trying to do things with her but she just hates me. More over i found a pregnancy test under her bed while cleaning? I suspected she was up to something but my husband just ignored me saying she was just in puppy love with her bf. How do i confront her????????
2006-09-19 08:47:47 · 13 answers · asked by mindy h 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My son is only 4 so my parenting skills are not this far yet!
2006-09-19 08:48:32 · update #1
I am also really busy with my last year of college this year i have 7 credits left. I dont think she is a bad kid and i care for her a lot but dont know how to talk to her?
2006-09-19 08:50:06 · update #2
Her dad has been away for only a 2 months and this happens.
2006-09-19 08:51:49 · update #3
well, it's possible that your daughter is just acting out, and that in time, threw consistancy, her problems will melt away.. but with all she's been threw i'd not take a chance. i'd consult a professional. you might just start with her school councelor and see what her/his opinion is and move on from there, but whatever you do, talk to a professional that can get a better understanding of your daughter than what i can get from a paragraph online. the reason i say this is because you are dealing with a young girl, who lost her biological mother to prison, and though she probably wasn't a very good role model, she was the only solid role model she had.. and she will always be the woman who raised her for the first 13 years of her life.. claire has probably seen more in the past few years than many adults have in their lives, and she still has to deal with all of that. as for your husband, let him know you need his support. you both have to realize that this could be nothing, and if it is you can both feel silly about over-reacting later.. but it's better safe than sorry! on the upbeat side of things, with love and consistancy you can most likely pull threw this as a family and things will be fine.. but you can't overcome her past 13 years in one year.. it will take time, and lots of it..
2006-09-19 09:08:47 · answer #1 · answered by pip 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your step-daughter has had a pretty rough life. I have a 13 year old myself and it is not always easy. The number one thing is to keep your patience. Then you need to form some sort of trust with her, creating trust is very important in the first five years of life and it sounds like she has been jerked around a lot. First by the divorce of her parents and then by her mother having drug issues. Be interested in her life, ask how her day was or if she would like to talk about anything. It probably won't be easy and she may cop an attitude with you, but be persistent. Let her know you are there for her. Invite her to do things with you and your son, or set up something for just you and her to do. But always be patient and understanding. At 13 she is going through a lot of hormonal changes and she may be moody or curious about sex, which it sounds like she is already having. Make sure she knows all the things that can happen and all the dangers. We can tell our kids not to have sex but chances are they are going to do it anyway, so get her birth control and buy condoms and let her know all of her options. Just talking can go a long way. If none of this works I would take her to a counselor because she is acting out for a reason and getting to the bottom of it may help her shape up. Good luck, I know this is a hard age.
2006-09-23 00:28:29 · answer #2 · answered by mystique133333 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Teenagers in general put distance from their parents between the ages of 13-18. Throw in a disfunctual mother and a distant father into the mix, the odds are the child will be an angry one. You need to know her anger is misdirected at you, because you are the only one there to take it. Also, she sees you as trying to take over a parental role, where one has been lacking and she's not going to go for that.
I suggest finding someone she can talk to. Either someone in your church or a counselor. Let her know you are not trying to be her mother but that you care for her and want her to be safe and happy. I wouldn't confront her on the pregnancy test right away. Talk to your husband about it first and discuss how it should be handled.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
2006-09-19 09:06:10 · answer #3 · answered by Ronna P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh yes, you certainly are overwhelmed. You are WAY in over your head. This girl is sexually active, and if someone doesn't get to her to clue her in on being on the bc pill, her dad will come home to a pregnant daughter!!!!!!! oh god, just what you both need. You can't confront her -- she doesn't regard you as anyone she needs to respect. And forget wasting your energy trying to bond with her --- she ain't interested... She is in an unfortunate situation of not having any parent near her --- dad gone, mom in jail and you aren't a parent role model. And, she seems to be on a path of self distruction just to get someone to pay attention to her, even if it is to become pregnant. In your place, doubt that I would call your husband --- there is nothing he can do from there, and really doesn't know the kid. Your options appear to be:
1. allow her to live there, and run the place
2. call family services and get her placed until he gets home, or mom gets out of jail.
3. if she has grandparents, they may be interested but that would be doubtful....it appears this girl has never had anyone say no to her...
Don't see anything else. You can't just bundle up your child and leave, that is abandonment.
Since you have noting to loose, and nothing to gain -- it will be decades before this kid ever talks to you -- you might suggest to her that, "in you place, with neither of your parents around, and me not being a mom to you, you may find affection with a boy better than no affection at all. In any case, if you choose to become sexually active, here is the address of the nearest women's clinic. If you are old enough to be thinking about sex, you are old enough to find ways to protect yourself from a pregnancy. The absolute worst thing that could happen to you now is to become a parent, start changing diapers, being up all night, and 24/7 feedings---think about it".
Memorize this little shtick, and hand her the address and phone numbers. Offer to drive her anytime it is convenient to you both. That's about all you can do. And you might also tell her about Plan B
2006-09-19 09:12:20 · answer #4 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Confronting her on the pt will just make things worse. She will accuse you of snooping and try to make you out to be the bad guy. Just tell her you are sorry for the situation and how things came about. This is not an ideal situation for anyone involved. Let her know you are not trying to replace her mother and you are here for her if she wants to talk or need anything. You really just want to get along and have a happy home. You want to get to know her and have some kind of working relationship. You are really going to have to put on the friend hat with this one. Ask her to give you a chance to be there for her. You are not the enemy. Really you are her only ally right now.
I really don't envy you at all right now. You really have taken on quite a hefty responsibility. I don't know what you believe in but, if you have faith in God, pray like crazy, he will guide you in the right path. I'm going to say a prayer for you.
2006-09-19 09:04:23 · answer #5 · answered by eehco 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You poor thing.
I can tell you one thing, this girl will NEVER look to you as a mother, and rightfully so. She did not choose this. Her life has been a mess, and not by her doing. So in this situation, you have to deal with her more as a friend/counselor/sister type figure. You can gain her respect, but will be dissapointed if you expect her to view you as a mother/authority figure. Your not even 10 years older than she is. You really need to just sit/drive and have a truly honest talk with her. Tell her you want to just help her and that she can come to you with her issues. Let her know that you understand how hard her life is. This is not to say that you don't have rules and standards that she must live by. But if you try to deal with her on a more "grown up" level with her, she may respond well to that. Good luck. And also a lot of prayer cant hurt!
2006-09-19 08:53:58 · answer #6 · answered by Coco 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
all girls that age are terrible, trust me! so my first piece of advice is to relax, you are not doing anything wrong. I dont know how you interact with her but remember - do not yell or argue with her! this solves nothing, you need to be patient.
as for asking her about what you found, i would not jump to conclusions. a lot of times girls jump to their own conclusions about what is happening to them. ease into the conversation when the time is right. this is the tricky part because you two are not friends yet. so try to connect with her in some way first. what does she like to do?? keep your eyes and ears open and find out what she enjoys. and although i wish it werent true, buy her something that correlates with her interest but most importantly buy her something that you BOTH can be a part of. if you both enjoy each others company, well, thats called friendship.
also, a child needs to feel safe and if they dont, they act out. maybe she is feeling unsafe because she doesnt have her mother and now her father is away. this can be very traumatic for a child. by giving her restrictions and fair boundaries, you show her you are in charge and are capable of protecting her.
2006-09-19 09:23:03 · answer #7 · answered by chitowngrl08 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think there is a big problem.Her Mom didn't care enough for her, now she lost her.Her Dad is away,all those things make a young girl angry.You both should get some pro.help.Go to Dr. phils web site.There is trouble brewing inside that girl.She needs love and attention and her father should be more supporitve.Good Luck
2006-09-19 09:00:20 · answer #8 · answered by Teri 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You definitely need support. Have you tried contacting Focus on the Family? They have free counseling by phone. You can get to their website to order books on parenting. They have a lot of good advice on parenting and blended family parenting. Give them a call, I think you will find compassion, help and hope. May God give you strength!
Their phone number is 1-800-232-6459
2006-09-19 08:53:22 · answer #9 · answered by Shmootsy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well i think that the reason she is acting out like this is for attention (as a trouble child myself) let her talk to a therapist that helped me out ALOT and dont baby her, she needs rules but also alot of love beucase her mother is suddenly taken away hope all goes well
2006-09-23 05:45:47 · answer #10 · answered by Lindsey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋