how do you get over the things your mother has done to you?

Question

ok this is going to be long. and its very serious so please dont use me for points. im 21yrs old and i have an anger/depression problem that i know has to do with my mother. you have to understand i grew up with my father and step mom( since i was 3 and i love her to death). but i never knew where my mother was. she had a problem w/ drinking, drugs and partying way too much. there were times very far and few that my mom would call and set up a day to come see me or pick me up for the summer. well if she did pick me up she would 1. drop me off with my grand mother or 2. take me with her where ever. well there were times i would wake up from a nap or something and shes nowhere around. i was with strangers! but most of the time she wouldnt even show up to pick me up or call to let me know she wasnt going to. she didnt call me on my birthday. she then had two more kids and my mid sis lived with grams until she passed. my mom lies to me about everything. also i was to get grams ring.....

Answer 1

Unfortunately some people simply weren't born to be parents. You mom is one such person. The best way to get over your issues with her is accept her for the person she is and stop having expectations of her that you know she will never meet. Instead focus on your own life and how to make yourself a better person and hopefully some day a better parent. Our parents play a role in our lives but we are the ones who ultimately decide what life we are going to live.

Answer 2

It is very hard to get over things your mother has done to you. Try writing her a letter telling her how you feel. You don't have to send it. You can just write away, you can either tell her how much she has hurt you, how you felt when left alone, etc. OR you can really blast her telling her what a crappy mother she was.

This has helped me in the past. I wrote about a nine page letter, kept it for a while, then eventually tore it up. I felt much better.

I know you don't want to hear a bunch of preaching, but....maybe she actually could not do any better. Just because someone has a child, does not make them a mother. She must be a very damaged person. I am so sorry she hurt you this way.

It sounds as if you had a pretty good life with your dad and step-mom. Maybe leaving you with them was the best thing your mother ever did for you.

Good luck, sweetie, I know how you feel. I am more than twice your age and am still feeling hurt over how I was treated in my childhood. It is very hard to get over.

Answer 3

Sounds to me like your step mom is your mother. Anyone can have a child and be a father or mother but it is the person raising you who you can call mommy and daddy. There is a difference. Your step mom was there for you when you were little and I am assuming she is there for you now. Do not let your mom with her issues make you feel angry or depressed. Let your real mom know that her behavior is causing you grief and anger and if she wants a real relationship that she too has to try to make it work. You have a lot to forgive her but keep working at it but as far as feeling angry and depressed over this, you have good reason. Try to forgive her rather then hold on to these negative feelings and if staying away from her helps for a while then do that. Remember you are not the cause of her abandoning you and from the sounds of it you are loved by your dad and stepmother( your mommy) who seem to know you better.

Answer 4

Hunny i know what your going through i thought i was the only one but i guess it is a small world after all. my mother left me when i was 3 and i havent seen her since. she has never tried to even contact me or even say hello. She cheated on my dad and she had another little girl and i guess she left her too. i completely understand your anger, all i did was let go though i wish that she still made the effort i guess i am going to have to be the one to do that . i would try to confront her but make sure you get her side of the story before you make any type of accusations, and keep an open mind. Like in my situation i am mad but i cant be at the same time only because i have never heard her side of the story, i have never had a chance to. she could even be ashamed, and that is why i havent heard from her. i would give it some time and try to put your self in her position, because she ultimately did the right thing she didnt want you to turn out to be the same. if she WAS a drunk you were probably better off not being arround her. good luck and i hope that it all goes well. keep me posted too, :)

Answer 5

Were your father and step-mother there for you? Then embrace them, hard to do but forget about your mom, well not forget but know she has a problem and its not your fault. Focus on your life now and when you become a mother, if your not already try to make the same mistakes she did. There is nothing you can do to change the things that have happened. Be pissed about the ring but if it was worth anything it has gone to the pawn shop or its on the drug dealers girlfriends finger. You may want to seek help for your anger and depression problem though if it is cause problems in your life. Also be there for your siblings if possible, they need someone too and may have some of the same issue you do, talk with them. And when you see your step-mom again hug herand thank her for being there when she really didnt have to.

Answer 6

Some people just shouldn't be mothers.

Be grateful and happy that you have a step mom who loves you and who you also appreciate. Seek out some therapy to deal with the anger issues and talk to your doctor about the depression.

If your depression surrounds your mom not being there for you, please let it go .... she did not deserve to have you in her life. Any women who cannot appreciate a child is not deserving of their love.

Learn from your mother's mistakes, and work towards being the best mom you can be when the time comes. You've already had a first hand look at what NOT to do.

When it comes to your gram's ring ... sadly chances are mommy has pawned it.

Answer 7

You are now an adult that can take control of this situation. You are not the reason she did these things nor are you the reason for her lack of support during your childhood. You have to take control of this now and move forward with your life. You have your whole life ahead of you and even though your childhood was controlled by this on again/off again mother figure does not mean that she can control you now. She has only the power you allow her to have. You will always feel a deep attachment to her because she is your biological mother but that does not give her the right nor the privilege to be a part of your life. You need to set the terms and stick by them. She will use tears and guilt to manipulate you. You have to be strong. If you live away from her set a time to visit with her but not in your home. Have lunch somewhere and keep it as brief as possible. Stop by her place to visit and again keep it brief. See her on your terms but not your property. Try not to get into family discussions unless they are joyful ones. (An upcoming birthday of a family member) If it turns into a negative conversation, stop the conversation and change subjects. It is hard and takes a lot of time to practice to make it habit but it is what I had to do with my mom who was way too controlling even after I was an adult.

Answer 8

My mother did not drink or do drugs (which would not excuse her behavior but would at least help to explain it), but she too was a neglectful lying hypocrite who had little to say to me unless I did something she thought was wrong. I too was angry and depressed for many years.

It took me several years of professional therapy to get to where I no longer felt that I was the corrupt, good-for-nothing human being that my mother made me feel like I was for as long as I could remember.

I highly recommend professional therapy. For most people, it is generally a two-pronged approach. First you see a psychiatrist who will most likely prescribe medication for your depression. (Medication is by no means a cure-all, but it does help to clear your head and take the edge off so you don't get quite so depressed or quite so angry.) You also see a licensed therapist regularly (usually once a week or once every two weeks) to talk things out. At first -- at least for me -- the talking part was mostly just to get the sadness and anger out. Sometimes I would cry and/or yell, and that was okay. Once I got some of the pent-up feelings out, my therapist started to offer helpful insights and advice. After a few years, both the medication and the talk therapy became like maintenance, and I eventually stopped using both.

I am still depressed -- I have a chemical imbalance that makes me so, and it would probably behoove me to get back on some sort of medication -- but I am not nearly as depressed, and very rarely angry, as I was in my pre-teens, teens, and early 20's. (I am 32 now; I was in therapy from age 24 through age 30.) I generally feel good about life. Professional therapy definitely helped. Time did also.

Good luck to you. Feel free to contact me if you wish to discuss this further.

Answer 9

Your mom is undependable, and you need to face that. She has a substance abuse problem, and that has caused her to miss out on most of your childhood, and to treat you and your siblings badly. It may help to find a therapist to work through some of these issues. You do have your dad and step-mom, it sounds as if you did have a safe, secure place to be, and that you love and respect them. Build on that relationship, and get to know your siblings, build up those relationships, they have gone through the same things as you, if not worse. Your mother has chosen her lifestyle, it won't change unless she wants it to. However, you don't have to live that lifestyle too. Work, go to school, have the life that you choose to have, and if she comes around, if she decides to have an adult relationship, you can choose to be open to it. You know who that dependable people are in your life. You are not lost, you are ok, you have done nothing to deserve any of this. She is the one who has lost her way. Continue on your path. Good luck to you. If there were material things that mom has taken, you probably won't see them again, especially if she is buying alcohol or drugs. Let the ring go. Grandma loved you, that is what is important.

Answer 10

That is really sad that your Mom wasnt there for you like she should have been. We get to choose our friends, but not our family. You cant control or change how she treated you, jsut go into live knowing that you are not going to be like that, thank your lucky stars that you had your Dad and Step-Mom there for you, so many others only have a Mom and no body else.
Try to realise this is not your fault and move on, now you are a grown up you have a say as to who is in your life and if she has done nothing but hurt you, why have her there?
Forgive her ( it will only hurt you if you dont) and let it go, be grateful for the family you do have and everyday tell yourself you are NOT going to be like your mom. Good luck!