My mother-in-law (76 years old) needs $270 a month from each of her 3 children to be able to stay in her house. This is putting a big strain on my relationship with my husband since we are just making it financially ourselves. We have a 10 year old child. We already don't go on vacations and we are both driving cars that are nearly 10 years old with over 100,000 miles so it's inevitable that we will be needing new or used cars. We've done without a lot to be able to have a house of our own and I'm not materialistic at all. My husband's sister's husband told my husband that he's open to having my mother-in-law live with them (they live about 1 1/2 hours away from where she lives now) and they would make an apt. in their house for my mother-in-law with, I assume, some of the money she gets from selling her house. My husband's brother however feels strongly that we should let my mother-in-law stay in her house and that we should all just support her financially.
2006-09-19 03:38:35 · 12 answers · asked by Please Help Me! 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Thanks to all who responded to my question. For those who criticize that I ask this question at all and think we should support her financially (that's nearly $10,000/year) and who say she supported her children financially so now it's her children's turn to support her, she didn't support her children and her in-laws or her parents financially, just her children. We are supporting our own family and it's not easy to do that even. We don't go on vacations, live in a mansion and we don't drive new cars. My mother-in-law has been on more vacations the last couple of years than I've been my whole life. My parents could not afford to go on vacations every year so it really doesn't bother me. My husband and I don't exchange birthday or Christmas presents with each other (my idea). Rather we save up over time so that we can afford to fix our house (needed new roof, etc). It's not a matter of what we want to do. It's what can we do. I pay the bills every month and I know we can't do it.
2006-09-19 07:10:18 · update #1
She obviously cant afford to stay by herself thebest thing for her would be to move in with her daughter.They cant expect you to offer up money that you dont have.If the brother feels that she should stay in her home then let him pay her mortgage every month.
2006-09-19 04:20:42 · answer #1 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why not sell the house and set the mother up in an assisted living home or retirement community with the profit made from the sale? Clearly the house can't be kept unless legal documents are written up handing ownership over to the children that are paying for it. Otherwise when the mother dies, the children would have been paying for something and getting nothing in return for their investment. I'm guessing if Mom can't pay the mortgage other bills will need to be settled up after her death. The state can legally sell the house to pay for these debts. Sell that house NOW!!
2006-09-19 03:45:58 · answer #2 · answered by movedtoMA 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure it would be financially better for all if your mother-in-law were to sell her home and live with one of her children. The other option would be to live in an apartment complex for older citizens where the rent is based on income and ability to pay. HOWEVER, at 76 years of age, she will likely need assistance before long. What does she want to do? Which of her children would she be most compatible with if living in their home? Which son/daughter-in-law would most welcome her and treat her kindly? In which home would she be treated with dignity, love, and compassion? The one thing that concerns me is that there will be a fight over her money and this MUST NOT happen. It always astounds me that one parent can raise a houseful of kids but when they get old, those kids cannot help one parent.
2006-09-19 03:53:05 · answer #3 · answered by missingora 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well all of you are right but this isn't a matter of who is right and who is wrong. I am sure if your mother-in-law was aware of the financial hardship it puts on all of you she might consider doing something else, but moving in with a child might not be the answer. We went through this with my grandmother and although she didn't want to give up her home that her and grandpa built and raised their family in she knew she couldn't afford the upkeep and maintnace on it. We all compromised and she agreed to sell the house and moved into an efficiency apartment in a elderly housing authority. The rent and utilities were cheap enough that she could be on her own and have independance but could manage finacially without the kids having to shoulder the responsibility. It is one thing to be there to help your parents in their golden years but not to the point you can't make it finacially yourself. Her three kids need to sit down with her and be the ones to explain that you can't do it anymore and explain why and then give her all of her options and let her decide which she would rather do.
2006-09-19 04:01:19 · answer #4 · answered by Martha S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are *able* to help support her so she can stay in her home and still be able to provide what is necessary for your own family, then yes, that would be the best scenario. It's best not to uproot people if they are still capable of managing on their own.
But if this is too much of a financial burden for you, you are by no means obligated to do it and she may just have to move in with her daughter. I'm sure she knows this.
Another alternative is, could she sell her house and get a smaller place somewhere close to where she is now? Or does she have a friend who might need a place to stay that can help her with some expenses? Sort of like a boarder? Another relative maybe?
Consider all options before making a decision and discuss them with her. You all might end up just fine. :)
2006-09-19 03:47:24 · answer #5 · answered by Avid 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There may be cognitive and physical reasons she should not live alone. If his sister is willing to have her, and make the accomodations for her, they should do that. If his brother feels so strongly about it, maybe he could move in with her. I respect the elder, but I also care for the elder, and it is often family that has trouble admitting that it is time to care for mom in other ways than letting her care for herself. He should realize that you can't always make things better by throwing money at it. It is also not fair to expect everyone to be financially responsible for her, if they are not in a position to be so. Someone should evaluate her assets, evaluate her healthcare needs and discuss with her the items in question. If she is still cognitively sound, she should have an oppinion. It may be that she doesn't want to be a burden to anyone, and be open to ways to make it easier for her children. Of course, being their mother means that yes, everyone should pitch in somehow. Yet pitching in doesn't mean financially.
2006-09-19 03:48:18 · answer #6 · answered by WifeandMom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At 76 yrs. old she needs all the support that ALL OF YOU can give her. Call a family meeting (with your mother in law present) and realistically discuss the matter and make sure your mother in law has the last word...please. God bless you all for being so caring my prayers are with you.
2006-09-19 03:42:33 · answer #7 · answered by oldtimer 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Is the mother-in-law able to decide on her own? If she is, then let her decide. If she can't, then maybe it's best that she not live on her own, have her go with the daughter.
2006-09-19 03:41:28 · answer #8 · answered by Kelly M 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well if two of you think one thing and one another, don't you do what the two people want? It seems morally and practically a decent solution - so long as the lady in question doesn't mind, of course
2006-09-19 03:42:04 · answer #9 · answered by big pup in a small bath 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
would let her decide. hope your kids support u more then support your mother in law. guess she raised a terrible son.
2006-09-19 03:44:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋