Second Child after birth trauma?????

Question

Hi,
Ive got a 20 month old baby girl, she is amazing and I love her to bits but during her birth I suffered badly, I ended up being rushed for an emergency c-section, the numbness had not gone deep enough so I felt them operating on me, so they then had to knock me out to deliver her, when they where operating my left lung collapsed and I ended up spending the first few hours away from her in intensive care.

I didnt bond with her at all, couldnt breast feed, and ended up with severe post natal depression afterwards for the first 8 months of her life.

Ive recovered with great help and support from my fiance and family and great friends, and were as close as can be now, but its getting to the stage when Id like to consider having a little brother or sister for her and Im worried.

Not so much that the same thing with the birth will happen - as ive since spoke with the consultant - but that I wont bond with the new baby, and how I'll cope.

Any advice? I would like another

Answer 1

Being a bloke you might tell me to sod off, but my wife also had a very traumatic time during and after giving birth to our 9yr old son. So much so that she would not consider having another child until he told her how lonely he was. Well he got his wish, a little sister 2yrs ago and this time things went as very well. So my advice is do not think that any 2 births will be anywhere near the same. I'm glad my wife was brave enough to go give it another go. We now have a wonderfull little princess.

Answer 2

You went through a traumatic time with your first birth so I'm not a bit surprised you were depressed and didn't bond with the baby.

I don't think it will be at all like that with the second baby. It's always easier with subsequent babies as you know a lot more second time around and it's even better as you have all that support beside you. You will be more confident.

I didn't bond with my first daughter, I didn't have depression or a traumatic birth but we just didn't bond and she preferred my mum!

Maybe you should try waiting until your daughter is at nursery or school before you have another as if she is away for some of the day you have all that time to devote to your new addition.

I have a 2 year old son now and the whole thing was completely different I love him so much and we know each other so well, he is a real mummies boy.

At the end of the day it is really up to you, if you feel mentally able then do it, I promise it will be so much better this time! xx.

Answer 3

Oh wow, this is a tough one to answer, so it's got to be even harder for you to make this decision. The only advice I can offer is my opinion.

Since the birth would most likely be less traumatic, you'd have a much better chance to bond more quickly. There wouldn't be other distractions during those first few hours.

The postpartum depression is a real possibility again, but since you've experienced it and know what it's about, and why you have it, it may be easier to overcome. When I had my second child, I experienced depression because I suddenly had another child that I had to share my love with. That was hard for me to come to terms with because I felt like I was taking away some of the love from my first child.

The fact that you're aware of what may happen to you emotionally and physically will actually help you, I believe. But when make the decision to have another child, you need to put all the worry behind you and concentrate on the joy ahead.

I hope this helps.

Answer 4

My daughter is now 21 months and i also had a traumatic time at birth. Admittantly not as traumatic as yours but I also didn't bond with my daughter.

My waters broke with mecconium so was rushed straight to hospital, constantly monitored and put on drip. In the late stages the pain was unbearable so i asked for an epidural. As soon as the needle was in i started to deliver but she got stuck. I was pushing for ages and they decided they wanted to intervine. With that threat she popped out. A whooping 9lb13. No wonder i was having troubles.

Anyway after being stitched up i found myself alone in the suite trying to feed a lump of flesh!!! It was all so fast somehow i didn't see her as a little baby. The next day i started vomitting and couldn't focus or stand up or anything. I was sent for an mri at a different hospital and had to leave my daughter behind with my partner. It turned out I had had a mild stroke. I only had they sickness and guidyness for 2 weeks but they were the first two weeks of her life and i spent it in bed constantly feeding her. I didn't bond with her at all. I couldn't even change her nappy.

I didn't really bond with her for about the first year of her life. It's only now that I can't imagine what my life would be like without her. I want another baby asap so that i can see what i missed out on. It has crossed my mind that my feelings may be the same with the new baby but then I now know why I felt like i did so hopefully it will be better. Also I'll have my little girl helping me entertain her little brother/sister!!!

Answer 5

Im sure it will be diffrent the second time around! the thing is you may or may not get post natal depresion you cant tell! What you have to remeber though is that if you do you will know the symtoms and hopefully be able to get help quicker! there are so many things that you need to descuss with your doctor! Ask there advise etc! the thing is you never know how its going to be the second time around!!! Every one is diffrent and every pregnancy birth and child is diffrent! Also Brooke Shields had post natal depression the first time and it sounds like this time around its going ok! I wish you the best of luck and hope that you soon have another child on the way!!!

Answer 6

Bonding occurs with a child during pregnancy, and called "maternal instinct". After birth, it's a whole new life to you and it is difficult and can be overwhelming, couple that with a bad birth, and I can understand where you are coming from. I had a horrendous first birthing experience and yet I was totally bonded and in love with my child as soon as I seen her little face and did so again with my second child.

If you are that worried, then my suggestion is to wait to have another until you are 100% comfortable with a second child. If you are not, then don't bring another child into your life and continue with this non-bonding that can occur.

But, I cannot understand how any mother can say they haven't bonded with a child that they carried for 9 months and who has what people term maternal instinct. As a mother myself, I was bonded as soon as the pregnancy was confirmed and it continues to this day (my kids are 14 and 11).

Answer 7

Each child birth is different. If you are really ready for a second child, and not being talked into it, go ahead. Remember, children are a big expense. Loving them comes natural, as do loving a man over a period of time. 20 months is still a short period of time to try again, after such trauma, maybe give it longer, it doesn't hurt. My daughters children are spaced 7 years apart, and mine 3 years apart from each other. I've found longer periods of time between children seem to bring more love to each one and within the family. My grandchildren seem to enjoy having older brothers and sisters to help them with their homework and play mates. There is a different type of bonding that goes on. One of more appreciation of each other among siblings.

Silver Birch

Answer 8

You aren't alone. There are so many women out there who suffer at the hands of so called medical professionals who try to 'manage and control' labors, rather than just letting labor happen.

Find a practitioner who will encourage you to deliver VBAC- vaginal birth after Cesarean. Best bet, find a midwife.

Write up a birth plan and have someone with you who will be strong enough to help defend your rights.

Look into other ways to handle the pain of labor first, before taking medications.

A woman labors best when she isn't strapped to a bed and monitors. Laying flat on your back, even continuously laying down, during labor doesn't help labor progression at all.

Believe in yourself and your ability to give birth the way you want to. Remember, there was no failure of yourself in how your daughter was born. You are lucky to have such a supportive family. They will help you in doing things your way.

Answer 9

aww poor you , but no 2 pregnancies / deliveries r the same and u will be very closely monitored with ur next pregnancy , as for the depression if thats something thats weighing on ur mind speak to ur gp , my friend had horrendous PND after the birth of her 1st child , she was hospitalised for 6 months but she got over it and went on to have another baby and as soon as she was born my friend was given anti depressant patches to put on her thigh , maybe if u were ok with taking medication this would be a possibility , obviously not an option should u breastfeed ...

good luck and all the best

Answer 10

Don't worry every birth is different, and the bonding process carrys on throughout their life, trust me!
Just think how much you love your little girl now! People put too much pressure on mums these days, i remember feeling guilty that i didn't get the "wave of love" you are suppose to get, all i wanted to do was turn over and go sleep!