I'm having a truly miserable day. Nothing is going right and the only thing I have to look forward to is a half day today (yay!) to get blood tests (urgh). Any really smashing jokes you fellas have would be greatly appreciated, or maybe anything else funny you guys can think of. I need a laugh or I'll just crawl under a rock and die :-(
2006-09-19 00:10:52 · 20 answers · asked by Disgruntled Biscuit 4 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Thanks for the sympathy Maria. Charming.
2006-09-19 00:16:17 · update #1
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
What Is Politics?
Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s-h-i-t.
the whole truth??
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"
OK.. there are two dumb**** guys... The both decide that they want a hooker.. so they save up all their money for a while.. and finally have 200 dollars.... they both go to a whore-house and say "We saved up and want a hooker please." The lady looks at the and can tell that they are stupid.
so... she looks to see if any of the girls are open.... none are... she gets an empty room... and puts a blow up doll in it. the 1 guy yells "Oh yay! me first!" about an hr later.. he comes down and says, "oh shes nice... no matter what you do, she just smiles and sits there."so the other guy goes up.. and comes down 5 mins later and he looks really sad...so the other guy says "Whats wrong??"
and he says back.. "Well everything was nice... but i bit her boob, and she farted and flew out the window."
2006-09-19 00:20:17 · answer #1 · answered by coca_cola_froggy 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
For The Kids...
A ghost joke
Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?
Because you can see right through them!
A vampire joke
What does a vampire bath in?
A bat tub!
A werewolf joke
Why did the boy take a pain killer after hearing a werewolf howl?
Because it gave him eerie ache!
A vampire joke
What does Dracula say when you tell him something interesting?
Well fangcy that!
A werewolf joke
What do you call a hairy beast that is lost?
A where-wolf!
A vampire joke
What flavour ice cream is Dracula's favourite?
Veinilla!
A werewolf joke
What do you call a hairy beast in a river?
A weir-wolf!
What is the best day of the week to sleep?
Snooze-day!
How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?
A phew!
What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered host!
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams!
What does "Maximum" mean?
A very big mother!
What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A sponge!
Why is perfume obedient?
Because it is scent wherever it goes!
What's black and white all over and difficult?
An exam paper!
Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon.
How many galleons did the get to the mile!
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!
What's the best way of talking to a warty witch?
By telephone!
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting!
What happened to the skeleton who went to a party?
All the others used him as a coat rack!
Why did the skeleton go to hospital?
To have his ghoul stones removed!
What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower?
A bat mat!
Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?
He could really get into the vaultz!
What did the demon do when he bought a new house?
He called it "Gnome Sweet Gnome"!
How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!
Do you know the time?
No, we haven't met yet!
What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
A kipper!
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck!
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers!
Did you hear about the man who had BO on one side only?
He bought Right Guard, but couldn't find any Left Guard!
What has two humps and is found at the North Pole?
A lost camel!
Is that school food spicy?
No, smoke always comes out of my ears!
Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?
I'm stumped!
"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!
Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!
How is the witches team doing?
They're having a spell in the first division!
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting for two hours!
2006-09-19 00:20:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
A minister once took his 3 sons away for a holiday and stayed in a 5 star hotel.
2 of his sons were also ministers whilst the third was a right tear-away.
The first morning saw the father standing in front of a roaring log fire, when the first son came down stairs his father asked him how he had slept, to which he replied he had had a fantastic dream that he was in Heaven, saying it was so relaxing and pleasant. His father replied, that was good my son, come and have a heat by the fire, just at that the second son appeared and said he had experienced a similar dream, and felt so contented. His father said, come and join us by the fire my son and get warmed up
The third son then appeared, obviously suffering a hang-over, his father asked him how his night had been, to which he replied, well I dreamt I was in Hell, his father then asked how it was, to which the son replied,same as here, couldn't get near the fire for f**king ministers.
2006-09-19 05:36:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Howdiiiiiiiiii, hi, I’m Mixer, you know when I’m driving down route 9W on a hot summer day, me and the missus’s always stop at Dickens. Dickens Cider Fruit Stand, they got everything from fruit to vegetables and home made pies but there ain’t nothing like there cider.
Dick inside ‘er, why yes siree, why even though we were late for church last Sunday, she had to have a little Dick inside ‘er.
She says that there ain’t nothing like it, even my minister says his wife enjoys a little Dick inside ‘er, now and then.
Now why don’t you bring some home in a protected red bottle, that way it’ll stay fresh or you could let it sit a while and have some hard Dick inside ‘er.
It’s good at lunch, it’s good at dinner and there’s nothing like waking up with a Dick inside ‘er.
Dickens Fruit Stand just off route 9W and Trencher Road 69, open 24 hours because after a chilly night, I like to snuggle up in bed with a hot Dick inside ‘er. UUUMMM
2006-09-19 00:14:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
____________________________________________________
A furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
________________________________________
hope you enjoyed!!!
2006-09-19 00:27:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i've got been given advised a stable mate could finished on her flat in some weeks (been a super volume of uncertainty has surrounded the acquisition) I extremely have been smiling like a stable un ever because of the fact 3pm as quickly as I found out.
2016-10-15 04:03:24 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon
Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he was met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replied, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He is in Hell instead of Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike once just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini & a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."
2006-09-19 00:12:43 · answer #7 · answered by Pd 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Imagine there are 3 cars. First turns right, second goes left and the third one follow them....
2006-09-19 00:55:02 · answer #8 · answered by tulip 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I make it throught my days with coffee, and the thought that it doesn't really matter what i do at this point in my life...
jokes jokes jokes
I'm a sad person too, i'll just read your answers.
2006-09-19 00:13:32 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
take with you your most favorite thing. a stuffed animal a picture a ring what ever and stare at it or squeeze it while your there and you wont feel it as bad.it doesn't matter how old you are. this works for adults to.
2006-09-19 00:14:38 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋