How do you learn to trust people when you have been hurt so many times? I just had someone I trusted tell me that everything I have said to him has been read by someone else. We had very intimate conversations and now I know it was all read by someone else. How do I learn to trust people again?
2006-09-18 16:21:01 · 17 answers · asked by Aimee B 2 in Health ➔ Mental Health
He never let me know that I was talking to anyone other then him...I thought the intimate things he was saying were things you wouldn't want to share with just anyone either....I was wrong.
2006-09-18 16:29:23 · update #1
Yes - it will take time to trust people again. Even after many, many years you may have difficulty trusting people. My advice is to get to know people slowly, and don't just jump into any relationship blind. You can give a person small tests to see whether they are trustworthy or not. Just little things like asking them questions or sharing a small bit of unimportant information with them and seeing if you hear it back from someone else. After some time you have determined that you can trust that person, then you can take a chance and trust them with a little more info or feelings.
Unfortunately, there will always be people out there who will betray your trust. Sometimes there's just no way to know who that person may be. And you just can't go through life being afraid. Someone will hurt your feelings, and it's likely that it will be someone close to you. That's why it hurts so bad. But try to learn from your life experiences and put one toe in the water at a time.
Best of luck to you.
2006-09-18 16:37:55 · answer #1 · answered by monkeymom 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have been hurt a great deal also, but I've realized that nobody will ever trust me unless I trust them too. Being trusted is a good feeling, kinda like how being able to trust is a good feeling, so I'm not willing to give up on trust even though it sometime's backfires.
What I do is I give a little bit of trust automatically to people I meet. No, I won't let someone hold my wallet after a 5 min. chat on the bus, but I will tell him/her the basics of my home, family, friends, etc. After I give a little trust, I usually get a little back, so I might feel comfortable letting a little more of my personal life get leaked. I keep doing this, slowly letting myself trust in someone over the course of weeks/months, in order to foster the other's trust in me. I do it slowly like this because untrustworthy people aren't typically patient enough to wait to spill major beans and I could tell when someone is spreading my secrets around before it has a chance to become a major problem. Eventually, I may learn enough dangerous secrets about the other person that I don't have to worry about betrayal and can trust the other completely, at least in theory. I haven't got to this point yet, except with my brother, and I'm not sure he counts.
So, I trust others to gain their trust. Once I have their trust, I use it to gain power over them, even (especially) when the other doesn't know it. When I have power over the other person, I can safely trust him or her completely. It may sound cold, but it works.
2006-09-18 23:44:23 · answer #2 · answered by Fenris 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's NOT a stupid question, and I'm sorry to hear that the people you trusted were stupid enough to spread your private life around. It's HARD to trust people after what you've been through; it's almost enough to make you want to throw up your hands & say, "Why bother?"! Well, no one really "learns" to trust others. You just "go for it", & take the chance- that maybe, just maybe, this next friend or lover will care for you enough to keep your confidences to themselves. It's a risk, but it's part of price we pay for trusting someone with our private thoughts.
2006-09-18 23:48:05 · answer #3 · answered by Joseph, II 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly, there's no such thing as a stupid question! However, most people have misplaced their trust at some time. I believe that a good way to overcome the problem is to ask yourself this question before saying or writing anything of an intimate nature: 'Will this be best for me in the long term'. That way you gain confidence in yourself, and in your ability to think and act for the best.
2006-09-18 23:43:26 · answer #4 · answered by JENNY G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am kinda in the same boat. It hurts like hell doesn't it? I am older, I have been hurt other times too. Life and socializing is about taking chances to gain the rewards of a true friend or loved one.
Gotta admit, he is a major jerk. Know your boundaries. And protect yourself. Decide if there are things you just don't want anybody knowing and remain true to it NO MATTER how much you care until you are absolutely sure you can trust them.
You could be evil and vindictive...know any one that would love to know what he told you? (just kidding) Cut your losses sweetie...he isn't worth it...someday, someone will come along that is worth taking the risk over again...in the mean time...protect yourself emotionally and learn from your mistakes.
2006-09-18 23:33:46 · answer #5 · answered by Angelfood 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just take one day at a time.They say time heals all wounds you'll survive & I'm sure you'll find someone 2 confide in again this time they'll earn your trust I know it's hard but you'll know if U can trust them or not this has happened 2 me before as well I don't trust that easily what I do is test them I say something that isn't true if it gets around then I know who I can trust & can't.
Good Luck
2006-09-18 23:28:19 · answer #6 · answered by sugarbdp1 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are just hanging around all the wrong people! If a person tells you what their other friends say and tells you not to say anything, or if they just talk about people all the time, Chances are they do the same to you.
2006-09-18 23:25:38 · answer #7 · answered by Kathy C 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Read the booo Boundaries. You had not set them. For example, you shopuld have siad: There are things I;d like to share with you of they can stay with you and no one else. Could you accomodate me and honmor my request? If the person says no, you don;t share. If the person says yes, and they break their agreements, you must ask yourslef why you have anything to do with them.
That is just one area of boundaries. They also occur in matters of property, time, money, accompioshment, achivement, space., etc.
2006-09-18 23:25:07 · answer #8 · answered by Legandivori 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well you need to find out why this person let someone else read what was supposed to have only been read by him?
You can't base his immature actions on other people.
If you feel like he isn't going to be honest then don't deal with him you always go with your gut feeling
2006-09-18 23:24:27 · answer #9 · answered by miss_lady6980 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You don't learn to trust people again, you have been hurt to many times, so what do it take for you to know that the only person you and trust is yourself,(and Jesus Christ of course).he never tell and if you do not tell no one will ever know your personal business sweetie.
2006-09-18 23:32:18 · answer #10 · answered by I am women 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋