has anyone had to cope living with a partner suffering from depression?if so how did you cope?

Question

my husband has been diagnosed with depression and refuses help of any kind from the gp he has changed so much in the past couple of months he sits at home ignores me and the kids the atmosphere is terrible its come to the stage where i am thinking of leaving him as he is making me depressed and ill he said he never does anything for himself and always tried to please the family and is now sick of pretending to be happy im just so deverstated i feel like the marriage is ending and theres not a thing i can do about it he seemed so happy before and i cant help blaming myself for making him feel like this not that i can think of anything i have done wrong to him please can anyone give me any advise on depression as i dont understand it and can you get better without professional help ?

Answer 1

First of all, do NOT blame yourself. Depression is caused by different chemicals in the brain and the nerves not doing what they're supposed to do. This is no one's fault but biology's. I haven't been in your exact position but a similar one, my mom has depression and I lived with her all the time growing up and now on and off now that I'm in college. The best thing you can do for him is continue to love him. He needs to know that you don't blame him. The best thing you can do for yourself, however, is distance yourself from him a little, and maybe tell him that if he doesn't get help YOU WILL STILL LOVE HIM but you might not be able to live with him anymore. In most cases depression needs medical interventions as well as psychological ones. If he doesn't want to go on medication for depression he can talk to a doctor about some herbal remedies, but he sould not try to self-medicate without first talking to a doctor. The only time depression does not need medical help is when it is situational...caused by some major life event like the death of a loved one or losing your job. This kind of depression goes away with time or when the situation gets better. It sounds to me thoug that your husband has clinical depression, caused by chemicals that are not doing their job. Tell him this. Do some research...www.medformation.com or www.webmd.com are good places to start. Get him the information that shows him it is not his fault. Maybe then he will be more open to seeking treatment. This will be hard on you as you might need to do both your own job and his as far as your children go for a little while. Explain to them that daddy "isn't feeling good" or "is sick" and help them find ways to give him a little space until he finds a solution that works for him.

Answer 2

My wife has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar since 1999. It's not easy. Here is some info that has helped me:

The first assumption of many whose mates become severely depressed is that they are somehow responsible for the other’s low mood. This produces guilt that, in turn, creates friction. Yet, depression is not necessarily a sign that one has had a bad marriage.

Patience, Patience, Patience! Because a depressed person is in emotional pain, he or she may lash out at a mate. Victoria, who suffered major depression, confessed: “I hated myself and felt miserable. I’m sure that my husband and kids would have liked to lock me in the closet and throw away the key. Yet, I heard hundreds of times, ‘We love you; we know you don’t mean it’ or, ‘You’re just tired.’” Yes, realize that the person will say many things that he doesn’t mean. Even Job, a man of faith, admitted that because of his vexation “my own words have been wild talk.” (Job 6:3) Having the insight to know that you are not the target will enable you to respond with mild, kindly replies that will usually defuse the situation. (Proverbs 15:1; 19:11)

In addition to the spiritual help, a depressed mate needs the reassurance that he or she has your emotional support. Irene describes how her husband did this: “At home after the children were asleep, my husband and I would talk, and sometimes I would cry for close to an hour. His supportive understanding was so helpful. He prayed with me, listened to me, or gave me a shoulder to cry on—whatever I needed at the time.” Since a Christian is concerned about pleasing his or her spouse, frequently reassure the depressed one that he or she is doing this.—1 Corinthians 7:33, 34.

Household chores and care of the children may suddenly seem overwhelming to a depressed wife. The husband (as well as the children) can help with cleaning and cooking. Try to avoid asking her what to do, as this can add pressure. “My husband, Bob, didn’t let anyone pile anything on me at that time. He was sort of a buffer,” explained Elizabeth, a mother who became severely depressed. “All I really had to concentrate on was just getting better.” She added: “The doctor not only prescribed medication but also told me to exercise every day. Bob encouraged me to follow the doctor’s orders. We walked every day.” A well-planned outing with the depressed one also helps. All of this takes much initiative on the part of the husband.

Answer 3

I wish I could help you. Unfortunately I don't think there is a silver bullet. I would like to tell you a bit about my experience but I have to warn you, I really don't have an answer. The absolute best I could possibly do is maybe help you understand what is going on with your husband. Remember though, your husband and I are different people and his problems could be entirely different from mine. And this is almost certainly more complicated than anything you could have done without a lot of professional guidance.

OK, my story:

I lost focus. My life had been focused toward a single goal. What that goal was is unimportant. In 1986 I achieved that goal after working toward it for about 16 years. I didn't realize it then but that is when I started slipping into my depression. I really tried to establish another goal but was never able to develop the passion I had once felt. I went on with my life, drifting deeper and deeper until one day I called my wife and asked her to make an appointment for me. I was severely depressed and on the verge of suicide. BTW, some doctors say, and I agree, most suicidal people don't want to die. They do want to stop hurting and suicide is a way to make that happen.

So I started seeing counselors and psychiatrists. I did that along with taking an assortment of medications. This stage went on for years.

During that time I became a very accomplished actor. That is all the drugs would do for me. It made the life of those around me better. I am sorry to say I still felt bad, very very bad. I was able to put on a happy face but it was not real and I found it impossible to be honest with those around me. In response to their inquiries: I was great, I was fantastic, I would have to be twins to be better. All my standard responses, all served with a bright smile and all lies.

I finally gave up. I stopped the drugs and am not seeing the doctor at this time. I feel miserable but I don't feel like the door mat I was while medicated. I am still depressed, I question whether I was a fool in my life's choices and I am frequently not the nicest person to be around. Some might consider this my mid-life-crisis, I don't. I was 38 when it started, it has lasted 20 years and I think that is a bit much for "middle age crazy". I may be wrong but that's the way I feel. At this point I am not actively considering suicide. But I don’t think I would fight to survive. Any reasonable excuse to quit and I probably would.

I really wish there was some incantation or some particular beads we could rattle. I could use a cure myself. Unfortunately, I haven't found it or I would surly share it with you and the rest of the world. I can tell you one thing about your situation, regardless of how bad it is for you, I can assure you, your husband is not having any fun either.

I can be reached through my profile. I doubt I can do anything specific for you but if you want to talk. As I said, I can be reached.

Answer 4

My husband has suffered from depression for many eyars, related to an accident he had a few years ago.

It is really hard to watch your partner go through this, as well as go through it as well. The best thing I found for myself was to get counseling for me. I know that it is not you with the problem... but since his depression is affecting you and your children, it would be good to talk to someone. They can help you put your feelings into better words that he may hear, and help you to cope with the changes his depression has brought.

Its not easy when they are reluctant to get treatment. All you can do is ocntinue to urge him to get help. But sometimes the way we urge may not be the best way. Thats why I suggest a counselor. Try to remember your spouse is still there.... the illness is surpressing and twisting him right now. For better or worst, you need to try to give it a fair shot, that way if he decides to never get help,. and you do decide to leve, you will be free to do so with a clean conscious, knowing you did everything you could to help him.

I wish you luck. Hang in there.

Answer 5

here are some tips that can support both of you with his depression
http://www.upliftprogram.com/article_deprelate.html

i think that it wouldn't be fair to leave him. He didn't actually choose to get depresed. It just happened. he can't control it. Doctors wouldn't help him that much anyway so don't nag him into going to one. He can resolve it himself. When you took your husband, you took him for better or worse, for sickness and health. I believe that you are the best person to supprot him during his uptight problem and this can be a truly good time to SAVE your marriage and NOT break it down. You have to stick to him and refuse to be a fairweather friend. and remember that allowing the marriage to collapse is allowing the family to collaspe TOO. This is a very BIG decision. you have to think it through and not get enticed with turning your tail and running away. put yourself in his shoes and you'll know just how much you need him by your side. You weren't the reason for his depression, you don't recall anything wrong you've done. It's just his way in dealing with his problems. you can try to cheer him in so many ways. beach, skating, bowling, tennis. Surprise him. the following website includes 100 thoughtful gift ideas that you can surprise him with:
http://www.thoughtful-gift-ideas.com/100-gift-ideas.html

good luck dear! stick by his side.

Answer 6

I was diagnosed with manic-depression 10 yrs ago. It took all that my wife had to try and stay with me. I was put on massive amounts of drugs and became more manic than depressed. After some time she just gave up. I lived with my brother for a while and he made me realize I didn't need the drugs just a more positive self image.Remind him how much you depend on and love him Tell him he can come through this if he will allow you to help him get through it.

Answer 7

I am sorry that you are going through this. you should not feel guilty. just remember that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Please try to get yourself some form of counseling or support. If you cannot afford counseling than search out some sort of free support group to go meet with. I have suffered from bouts of depression all my adult life. though I am a woman and do not have a man's perspective on it. It is not easy to have or too live with. I wish I had something enlightening and prolific to tell you but I don't. Just please get yourself some form of support or counseling even if he won't. good luck and God Bless You.

Answer 8

I understand how you feel.My husband is the same but he talks to someone and we talk.
Whenever he starts feeling down I just tell him I love him and I am here for him.. It's hard with kids and all.. Sometimes I wonder if it was me. It's not you.. and it's not the kids..
Would your husband go talk with someone and maybe think about having you by his side for support??? This helped my husband..
Have you told your husband how you feel???
If not you should and think about going in your self and talking with someone....

I know this wasn't what your looking for sorry.. but just remember don't blame yourself or the kids.. It's the sickness do or saying things..