Tired of trying?

Question

Each day stretches before me, a sea of misery
The pain of the past- I've tried to run from it, hide from it, forget it, forgive it, bleed it out, starve it away, look at it and try to understand it, learn from it- never seems to lessen, it torments me
I feel hopeless, like I have nothing to give, that all is wasted, that love is in vain, that the good days are too few to provide the strength that I need to face all the darkness attacking my soul.
I'm so ashamed of everything I have done- the lies I've told, the people I've hurt, my own weakness.
I feel like it never stops, that each good time is a cruelness that just serves to make the bitterness more harsh.
I've survived for well over 15 years riding this rollercoaster of despair, I'm on meds, been through countless treatment programs, I see shrinks, I do everything I'm supposed to, and all the work leaves me no better off. Alas, alas.

I do try to look to the future; I've made "concrete" plans well into next year and the year after. The mistakes are like slow acting poison- I see the scars as reminders every day, although they fade, they never go away. I have lots of regrets that are irreparable- they are like scars on my soul, and the patches I've made for the holes in my heart still seep sadness.

Answer 1

I'm truly sorry you feel this way. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. I will say this, remember no matter what you have done(or think you have done), there is always some body out there that loves you.

Answer 2

NEVER GIVE UP!!! you will get through it...at least that's what I tell myself...Also, I'm not super religious or anything, but for all the bad things you've done, there is hope, you will be forgiven if you ask...I too have been on a rollercoaster ride and sometimes I want to get off too, but I know that the sun will rise tomorrow and there will be another day in which to try to do better, I was told by a friend that I should be thankful for the things I have and I asked what they saw as me having something...well, I have a roof over my head and some food in the fridge and family and friends who love and care about me very much, it was all I needed at the moment to allow me to see that there are others worse off than me....and you. Take care, it will work out!

Answer 3

Well Sweetheart, seems your in a sea of darkness, experiencing feeling of no hope. But know that you have a purpose here on this earth or you would not be here. Life is not for the weak, it gets very, tough, lonely, and cruel. I'm sorry sweetie I don't have a magic answer. But perhaps, if you try to think positive, thank the good Lord above, for each life you touch, each flower you see, rose you smell. Person you hug. Do something nice for a neighbor or someone you care about. Try counting your blessings and know there is always someone that has it rougher than you. Hope this helps, I wish I could just give you a big hug and tell you how important you are to everyone on this earth. God Bless

Answer 4

I'd like to help, but there are a couple of things I don't know. You mention a lot about the past. Do you give yourself anything to do that gets you into the present? Maybe even the future. A lot of counseling focuses on the past and constantly confronting the pain of the past can be overwhelming. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Are the mistakes from the past still having a real physical effect on your life right now? I have no idea what these things are, so I'm just guessing mostly. But I think if you have spent a lot of time trying to heal the past, you may have gotten into the habit of always looking away from today and tomorrow and withdrawn yourself from the times in your life when you are able to take action, namely now and later.
What is happening outside of you right this moment?

Answer 5

i'm sorry that you are in such pain. I've been there most of my life. then, it seemed like the older i get the more i think about death. I know that i have 20 years left (if i'm lucky) and i stopped focusing on my abuse and mistakes i've made . I started focusing on only positive things for just a while each day, i felt so guilty being happy at first but slowly most of the negative things didn't seem so important. don't waste your life feeling so bad. you will wake up from the mental state and wish you would've found something to make you happy. drugs and Doctors can't make you happy, only you can find the answer to what makes you happy. forgive yourself for your mistakes and find peace with-in yourself.... that's what i did..... good luck to you, and don't forget to stop and smell the flowers.

Answer 6

Try the Violet Flame. For forgiveness and karma burning, gives energy and protects as well.

I AM a being of Violet Fire, I AM the purity God desires.

(just over and over, you will feel the stressors leave, still slowly, but surely.., actually can go fast as well..) Hands up when saying it, laying down or bowing.. Violet Flame over all the events once more and the energies that were involved will be burned away///

Stilling the mind completely is the ideal way to let go and the higest respect we can pay God, to be still..

Know your true self is pure and innocent. Inside your heart is the real you, all chained up. But He is like Houdini and always comes free.. So yeah become a believer and get up stand, don't give up your right (to fight) get up stand up don't give up the fight (Because He did not///)

I know it is hard.

Christ will love you free.. The sea is what we need to overcome.. listen to the lyrics of many songs, mountains and the sea, you know we're always gonna be fighting the sea..

We are supposed to fight this.. Sooo you are actually further on the path Home then many others..
Love is REAL........ Believe and fight for Love//

Also be yourself, no matter what they say. And the guilt thy give you throw it in the nearest bin.. Save your soul..
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God is Love in Him there is no darkness.. The rest is illusion.. Way too many tests, skip em and move Home..

Answer 7

Yeah, you really are not alone. It might be hard, but in order to feel better, given that you are clearly trying a lot avenues for help, you might try focusing your thoughts off of yourself and onto other people. Volunteer? Help out with some kind of collaborative project. Stop thinking about your own thoughts and how miserable you feel all the time.

Answer 8

Don't give up.....soon things will get better!! We learn from harsh experiences. Nobody is perfect so don't beat yourself up for your past mistakes. Accept that you've done wrong, grown to be a better person, live life one day at a time and be things will get easier. You're doing all the right things!!! Good luck and God Bless!!!

Answer 9

If I were to tell you to do something hard or expensive you probably would try it. So try this.

Go to the book of Romans, I believe it is in the tenth chapter, read where God tells you that nothing can separate you from the Love of God. He, being God, goes to great detail to tell you how much He loves and protects you. Then hid right in the mist of all this is the question. "Who is condemned, it was Christ that was crucified, and is now risen," What this verse is telling me and you is that it was not us that died or was crucified it was Him. My hands are not scared and yours side was not pierced. It was Him, let Him do the dieing, you just live for Him.

Answer 10

have you tried a 12 step program yet? how is it a person with such fine articulated writing skill as yourself be doing so bad? take this skill and do some children's books. fore to six half pages and you are already there. believe Dr. Whodad you have a seldom seen gift, don't throw it away. that gift may be on loan to a very special person, YOU.