How can I get my husband and mother to get along?

Question

My dad died 2 years ago and my mom lives with my husband and I. She's 80 yrs. old and has some health issues to where she can't live alone, but not bad enough for a nursing home.
My husband gets irked about some of the things that she does and says. I think they are trivial, but a big deal to him. They don't talk much because my husband thinks that everything mom says is negative. My mom avoids him and stays in her room alot. This makes for an uncomfortable silence at the dinner table.
Please help, I'm at my wits end with this! My brother moved 3 thousand miles away, so mom is our permanent resident. Don't get me wrong, I love them both.

Answer 1

That is your mother and she is 80 years old. Your husband needs to grow up. It doesn't sound like your mom is a huge nuisance. Don't forget you only have one mother. If you have her move out you may regret it and have ill feelings toward your husband if something were to happen to her.

Answer 2

the first thing i read there that made me cautious, was the term "i think they are trivial." eeeep!

here's the thing w/ relationships: u can't control what ur husband thinks or does (same w/ children, friends, strangers, etc!). which is why u can only change and control how YOU act, or react to situations. remember, even tho u don't understand why he is upset, he is ur husband, and therefore you need to Validate his feelings (which is what he should do for YOU as well, even if he doesn't understand WHY you are upset.. the why is not the point, the fact that someone IS upset is the problem). when u don't validate his feelings, he is gonna be even more upset, and not be willing or able to try to make things better.

maybe u can explain to him calmly and step by step, how u feel ur mother is about each situation, why u think she was like that, that she doesn't mean anything negative by it...but that u understand how he could take it differently, as someone who has not grown up with this woman. and remember, an 80 year old woman is not very easily changable.. so ur husband has to understand that she has become the way she is THRU 80 years of life!! and that is, for better or worse, what it is. but i think it's possible that he may be acting out even worse, or getting MORE upset about it, *BECAUSE* you are not validating his feelings. he probably feels misunderstood, misused, perhaps even mistreated, just because u think how he feels is Trivial. =T.

perhaps u can both reach an understanding, and try ur best to be Happy, Positive, Healthy, *together*, and that ur mother needs some love in this life before she passes...and even tho things are hard, as long as you respect that your husband is gonna try, you are also going to try to validate his feelings, then perhaps ur family dynamic can change before anything sad happens... it's horrible to live in a house where people are avoiding each other.. and he's going to feel bad if something happens to her and he never spoke to her. try to explain and understand, and listen as he explains to you the problems he feels are occuring; if u can't change anything about the mother, fine...but he can change how he feels Towards her actions, and u can also change how u feel regarding his reactions. good luck~

Answer 3

Yours is a common dilemma in many family circles. First, be the one that sets the standard. Don't take sides because you will not accomplish anything. I'm sure by now you have talked to both parties. Since your not being listened to get some professional help. Call a family crisis center and get some free advice. You can perhaps involve a clergyman if you're involved with an organization or some kind of outside help. This usually works better from the outside of the family circle since we are more prone to listen to someone else and with other capabilities (professions). But above all keep your head and your cool with both. Show them, which I'm sure you're doing, that you are committed to resolve this one way or another and tell them that your intentions are to do whatever it takes to get the job done. We are talking about adults here and yet they are being childish in every way! Show them your maturity before opening your mouth. If you haven't, work on this for a while and let them see your maturity and adult approach to this serious matter...good luck!

Answer 4

That is a tough situation. You husband is probably feeling a lot of stress and pressure from lack of privacy. Even though it is a good cause, he may be feeling like his home has been invaded. I had a similar issue where we lived with my in-laws for several months. As nice as they tried to be, I was exhausted and stressed out by the end of the second week or so.

You sound like its starting to stress you out too. Its no body's fault. It happens. Our loved ones age and what are we supposed to do? Maybe there is a senior home or group she can go to during the day on weekends to give your husband his home back for a while and to get your mom out and lift her spirits. You should also talk to your brother about taking a vacation and spending a week at your home with her while you and your husband get away. It may be an inconvenience for him but it is his mom too. The burden should not be yours and your husbands alone.

Answer 5

OUCH! I think that was a bad move. Dont get me wrong, you shouldnt leave your parent high and dry BUT when you married you started your own family and they come first. I think your husband may be feeling like an outsider looking in. I'm sure she has retirement & social security to live on, yes? There are pleanty of assisted living places out there. You may want to check on that. I'm sure she too feels like she is in the way. She still needs her own space and her own home. She has pride I am sure. Give her the option then talk it over with your husband.

Answer 6

This kind of thing is not easy. Your husband feels alienated from his own space. To him the whole situation is probably an annoyance.

You need to have a talk with him and find out where his head is at with the whole thing. Explain how you feel about your mother's situation, your situation and try to get him talking about it. Ask him if how he would change things if he could. Listen to his suggestions--if he seems a little unrealistic, you can have him elaborate on how it could work for you. Your real goal is to try to get him vested in the outcome. If you can get him to make suggestions it will put some onus on him to follow through, or it may make him think about the situation and how it is affecting you. Try to put him in a position of responsibility--at least theoretically, and you may make some headway.

Likewise, if you also owe it to him to have a like conversation with your mom. It is not likely you will be able to change her behavior, but the object is to make her aware that you are trying to make the situation better. That can help in two ways, she will feel better knowing you are interested in her welfare, and she may focus on her relationship with him more.

An important thing to remember is that you are doing this for yourself. You need to have your own peace of mind. And that message should not be lost when you talk to them.

Answer 7

Maybe she should go into an assisted Living home where she can be around people her own age. She needs to enjoy life instead of sitting in a room, she doesn't have that many years left and they should be good years. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for treating your mother like that.

Answer 8

The 3 of you need to sit down with a counselor or a therapist to find out exactly what is bothering your husband. It is more that the trivial things your mother says or does. It could be that he resents the lack of privacy or having another person to support. It needs to come out into the open so you all can deal with it.

Answer 9

Your husband needs to be reminded that she is 80 and will occasionally spout off at the mouth without a lot of consideration; he needs to grow thicker skin and remember that he signed on for the whole family package. Remind him that you'd be doing the same if it was HIS mom living with you.

Your man has more wiggle room for growth and adjustment than your mom, so ask your hubby to be a good soldier and try, for your sake.

Offer to make it up to him in bed ;-)

Answer 10

Pay particular attention to what your mother says and does.
Older people often do and say things that they wouldnt have in
their younger days. (for appearances sake)
Talk to your husband (gently and softly) find out just what it is that
irks him. I am sure in his mind these problems are major.
Remind him that your mother is unable to care for herself. and that someday he and you may be in the same circumstance.
And what about his parents, who will care for them when they are in the same predicament?
Sometimes, these situations cannot be resolved so easlily and counseling may be in order. There are other alternatives besides a nursing home.
Retirement communities and Assited living communites are some.
Personally, when my father died, my mother was more than willing to move to an assited living community. but i kept her at home with me because i didnt know much about them at the time nor did i trust the care of a loved one to strangers.
Now i do and many are quite good at caring for the elderly.
I found a good one in our community but unfortunatly we lost her soon after the discovery.

If you have the means, perhaps an add on Granny House would help. I have a friend who built an add on to his home (2 rooms, bed and sitting with full bath) for his mother to live in. just off the
main living room with a hallway to the kitchen.
She loves it, she can grab a snack when she wants and sit in her sitting room with the TV on whatever it is she wants to watch and no one to change it on her.
Her Daughter in Law "Visits" just to make sure the rooms are clean and she is alright.