17 year old guy trying to hang around with my 14 year old daughter, 15 in a few days?

Question

I am a single mom raising two teenagers. And I don't want to judge anyone wrongly.
I found out more about him. He had a very bad up bringing. His dad molested his sister, beat him and his mom. He was in juvenile hall, and did drugs. He says he is clean now (but looks "Stoned" when I see him) He started school agian as a freshman a week ago and in my daughters class. He has no car or job, hangs around down town.
My daughter is growing into a beautiful, intelligent young woman, has a part time job dog sitting and learning how to drive. I trust her almost completely. She has been through therapy, speech ect... most of her young life. She has ADHD which she also has control over without medications. She says he is just a friend and I believe her. I just worry what HIS intentions are. I want to trust her but she is so kind and trusting. I don't want to make any wrong choices. (It's the first guy that has shown "interest" in her) What should I do? He's wanting to come over alot.

Answer 1

I think it's good that they will be at your home, where you are and can know what they are doing. Your daughter sounds like a lovely young lady. It is not possible to follow her around when she's not home so you have to trust her.
When I was a 15 yr old girl my parents talked to me a lot about my future, like WHEN I go to college or WHEN I will be able to travel, etc...so my priority was not the boys but getting ready to do what I wanted to do. They also told me that NO ONE would take care of me except for myself and that out of all my friends THEY (my parents) were the only ones who would come when I called or help me if I was in trouble.
Maybe it would help if you talked with her about her future, what she can do, her responsibility to herself first before others rather than come out and be negative about this boy.
Good luck!

Answer 2

When I was 16, I dated a 25 year old and I had an on-off relationship with him for 4 long horrible years. I would advise against this completely! That boy should be dating girls his own age. If your daughter was 24 1/2 and he was 27, it would be very different. He is supposed to be much more mature than her at this point. If he is looking for girls that much younger than him, there might be something wrong with him. He is most certainly thinking of sleeping with your daughter. 17 year old boys think about sex and eating. He needs to back off your daughter until she's a little older. I want to say this again because it's very important. If he were a normal 17 year old boy, he would be interested in girls his own age or a year or two each way. That much of a gap in age in that time frame is no good! It is however perfectly normal for your daughter to like older guys...that's not weird at all. And, it's not just a gender thing, 17 year old females should not be getting with 14.5 year old males. Don't put your daughter in a cage or punish her though, that won't do any good at all. Try to spend more time with her and go to the mall together or movies or whatever. Girl time is the best time in the world!

Answer 3

Follow your instincts! Mom rule #1 !! :)

But don't let her feel that you are controlling her. You have to be clever about how you go about it. Your energy should mostly be put into getting her to embrace, mentally, what you are saying. This is a huge project. It will take tons of times of you bringing up the topic. But start with what you agree on, if it's ANYTHING at that age, lol. Start there, seriously, get her to agree with ANYTHING, SOMETHING you say. Then express some other concerns, not like a parent so much as an older role model, give her all the speeches, she needs to hear them no matter what pouting she does through it. But go easy, don't make it specifically about that boy at first, just teaching her in general about how important it is not to have sex before marriage and that the best way to prevent that - and ensure she doesn't get pregnant and can pursue her education - is to just never be alone with them. Etc, etc, you know what to say!

It's just that you will feel like she's not listening, **BUT SHE IS!*

And don't attack the boy personally unless you can prove it in some way to her.

Work with her towards her goals. For instance, start with the approach of whatever it is she might (it doesn't have to be concrete yet to discuss it) be interested in doing with her life, and show her the negative consequences that could happen if she got pregnant before those things could happen!

CONSEQUENCES - seeing far down the road - these are things teens aren't good at, and need MANY reminders. Of course, they act like they know everything - because they feel they're SUPPOSED to - but that's ok - they get surprised when you tell them something they didn't think about yet! :)

Answer 4

The young man has found something special in your daughter and in you. He's been through rough times and appears to be trying. Old habits die hard and, the fact that you feel he "looks stoned" is a grave concern for you, and you need to check this out. Also, his choice of "place" and "activities" to frequent during non-school hours is a concern for you with respect to how this may influence your daughter, if it does at all.

Suggestion: Check out whether or not he has an active drug habit. If so...he must "go". If not, suggest and support healthy activities for your daughter and him. One idea: studying together.

The young man is back in school and, although a freshman at 17, he IS trying. Most 17-year-olds wouldn't do this. He is to be commended and supported in his efforts because a high school diploma is fundamental to obtaining any worthwhile employment.

At the same time, the young man is "out of sync" with general levels of progress and part of his time is devoted to "catching up" and his "leisure activities" are spent doing what some his age do. This must be odd and prehaps a bit difficult...uncomfortable. Still, he needs an "atta boy" for all he is doing to improve himself.

A 17-year-old young man in high school...in any grade...really should be employed part time. However, I don't know all the details of his situation with the authorities, if he has one, since you mention "juvenile hall". Juvenile offenses, whereas serious, can be more easily surmounted than adult offenses. In fact, Eleanor Roosevelt, our most influencial First Lady, when a teenager was "considered" a "juvenile delinquent", but without offense, by her "society". LOL

Suggestion: If the young man is "clean", show interest in his interests and see if part time employment can be located for him that coincides with his interests. Don't mention employment to him, just see what you can do, and if you find possiblities, write down the information and give it to him [a hint, but not a nag], and he will have to "take it from there". If he feels you are as special as I think he does, he will want to impress you and he will check out the employment opportunities. Remember, an employment opportunity is not a job, but, the experience of checking out employment opportunities is another important and necessary learning process for a young person.

Your daughter has much going for her: a work ethic, self-improvement, and you. She is coming into a social life and her experiences are necessary for her to grow and learn. Just the same, a parent needs to keep "a thumb on the pulse", so to speak, without being overbearing. Teens will make their own choices and it is the parent who must "be there" to help guide them through their teen years by way of answering their questions and by a good parental example. You appear to already know this and to be doing this.

The age difference between your daughter and the young man is not very much, at all. In fact, it's appropriate because girls mature about two years before boys, or, boys mature about two years after girls. Their friendship is important to them as individuals and, if the young man is "clean", there should be nothing to be very concerned about regarding a nice, decent friendship.

The fact that he doesn't have a car yet can be considered benefical in the situation because he and your daughter, when together, do not have the added responsibilities of being very careful out on the road. Many accidents...fatalities...are caused by bad weather and by the other driver and often alcohol is involved with the other driver. There can also be a reason why the young man, at present, does not drive. He many have restrictions on him that he needs to get through first. He may have a medical problem you don't know about. These are only suggested possibilities.

Your fine example to your daughters and all of their friends will hold you and your relationship with your daughters in good stead. You are not "judging", you are discerning, and in matters of your daughters you must discern.

My sincere hopes for all the very best for you and your family.

Answer 5

Since he wants to come over might that give you an opportunity to observe things and get to know him better? That might help. In the end though I think the most important thing is that you keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. Talk to her, guide her, etc. In the end you need to rely on her making the right decisions.
Oh and something to keep in mind about the boy. Even though he is older he is not necessarily old enough to realize the difference this can make.

Answer 6

On one hand, you have an opportunity here to steer a young man in the right direction for possibly the first time in his life; the catch is making sure that he's not gaming you just to get a shot at your daughter.

Politely inform him that you're going to be watching him VERY CLOSELY, no offense, but that you are taking your daughter's interests in hand first, and that he can earn your trust over time if he's sincere.

On the other hand, watch carefully for changes in your own child; if she suddenly shows academic trouble, behavior change or rebelliousness, he might be introducing her to the wrong friends, acquaintences or lifestyles.

Answer 7

I failed this test 7 years ago so now hind sight is 20/20. whatever you do dont fight it. Pay close attention to his "stoned" look. My experience turned into a nightmare when i said no to this exact same situation. My 16 year old ran away and married the guy. Talk to her about it. Let her know that her intentions may not be his. Watch him!!!!!!!! Snoop around a little. Find out who his other friends are. This WILL enlighten you. Good luck!!!

Answer 8

Well, I've learned with my 16 year old daughter that the more I express my dislike of a certain boy, the more interested she is in him. What we have done is this: we allow the boy to come over, but he has to stay in the living room with the family - no going upstairs to her room. And she is not allowed to go ANYWHERE with him. It only takes about a week of this for any guy to lose interest in her. Especially the guys who are only out for "you know what." If they never have time alone, they never have the chance for that...

Answer 9

You said you trust your daughter so trust her. Of course you have no idea of his intentions, but allowing him to your home is one way to at least get a better feel of him. Keep the communication lines OPEN with your daughter and do not judge a book by its cover.

Answer 10

Trust your daughter and let her learn life's sometimes hard lessons. Trust your instincts and only allow the kid over when you are home. You dont have to sit in thier lap, but do be in the next room.
After about a week or two, you should feel better about making some sort of concrete descision about him.
Good luck!