personal issue with family member, how do I cope?

Question

My brother has done some pretty bad stuff to our entire family, stealing money from my parents, not paying rent and stealing all of our food when I let him move in and didnt have much money myself, not to mention choking me when I was little among other abuses. Anyway, I looked past it, hes my brother. He sat at home while my baby was sleeping, we could have had another babysitter, but all he had to do was call us if he woke up and we would come right home, one night, and he needed the use of the computer anyway. Well he left my baby in the house to go get beer, doors unlocked, on a Saterday night. I was furious and disowned him. I have made this decision but when we get together with our family (who believe he should be forgiven) I need to be cool and I want to be. How do I handle the situation? How do I not feel guilty when I see my brothers sad face?

oh yeah, this is my OLDER brother

Answer 1

I'm going to be blunt here. Your brother is a manipulator and a user of people. By allowing him access to your house, family and posessions you are "enabling" him to continue to misuse others. You have to stop helping him by insisting that he takes responsibility for himself and his actions. Do NOT give him $$, place to live, food or responsibility with your children. He has proved himself to be untrustworthy. He needs to be FULLY responsible for himself and out from under your roof and protection. Get your family onside with this and all meet together and confront him with the reality of his actions. A united front will be the most effective and you can all support each other when you are inclined to weaken and give in because of misplaced "guilt".
You have to get tough here! You are not being "loving" to make life so easy for him that he doesn't have to grow up and take responsibility. It IS loving to insist that he does mature! He won't do it unless life gets painful. Some people resist having to grow up unless they are forced to. Please allow him, and encourage him by not catering to him, to do this. That is being a loving sister. It is for his own benefit.
Stay strong, make some wise decisions that will help both him, and your family, as well as your own.

Answer 2

First and foremost, mommy, you did the right thing. Guilt is an old reaction based upon trying to please someone outside yourself and your standards (which are sound, it seems).
You may choose to focus on "when is my brother's face going to show remorse? Sorrow for his conduct? Desire to prove he's changed and become responsible?" instead of his "...being confronted again for what I brought upon myself" sheepish expression. Of course he wants approval, acceptance. So, give him what you can: " I still love you, I'm not even going to bring up your delinquent behavior again. But I may never allow you into a position of close trust again...until you demonstrate you deserve it."
Thus, you put the situation on his shoulders, and merrily go socialize with your family.

Answer 3

How would he feel if something happened to your baby??? What would he say then? I understand he's your brother and family always deserves a second chance, but this guy sounds irresponsible. What if u did give him a second chance and something tragic happened? All I''m saying is be extra careful, maybe forgive but never forget.

Answer 4

he put your child in danger and he needs to be very apologetic before you can get your relationship back on track. You shouldn't feel at all guilty, he is in the wrong not you!! I think at family gatherings just steer clear of him and act as if he's not there, don't feel bad, tell your family how you feel that you've lost a brother but only due to his stupid fault!

Answer 5

Well, you did the right thing by giving him a second chance, but you lacked good judgement when you put him in charge of your little one, BUT all is well that ends well. Just THANK GOD she was not harmed, never do that again, and move on.......

You can forgive him, that doesn't mean you have to let him in your home again.....Just be cordial when you se him. But let him be responsible for where he lives.

Answer 6

i do no longer understand the variety you have been raised, yet my mom constantly mentioned to no longer talk faith or politics in social circumstances, or on the dinner table. For precisely the excuses you point out. holiday journeys should not be political unfastened-for-alls. i do no longer talk politics with family except they experience the comparable way I do. that's in simple terms too emotional, and that i do no longer want it.

Answer 7

No guilt!