I wish people would have a bit more confidence in me?

Question

One of my relations is an alcoholic.
She is trying to get off the drink.
She is due to start councelling next week and she said to me on the phone earlier, "I wish people would have a bit more confidence in me".
I didn't know what to say to that.
She lives 200 miles away. This will be her 1st time on the wagon.
Anyone been in a similar situation?
What practical support can I give her?
Any sensible suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

The best thing you can do is be supportive of her and don't doubt her ability to become and stay sober. If she says that just say the only person that needs to have confidence in herself is her. Of course it stinks that people don't have confidence in her but none of them are going to get her through rehab and sobriety so when it comes down to it, it really is only necessary for her to have confidence in herself.

Unfortunately, the harsh reality of alcoholics is that many of them have very low self-esteem and that's part of what feeds into their drinking. (They feel bad like no one loves them or they're worth nothing and they drink to numb that feeling.)

The other harsh reality is that many say they're going to quit/go into rehab/stick to it this time, etc and don't. And the people physically close to her may have heard this a bunch of times from her and just don't believe her.

Again, best you can do is support her attempts. Encourage her. Offer a listening ear when she needs it. And perhaps you can read some brochures/pamphlets/books about being a friend or relative of an alcoholic to get an idea of the type of support you can offer.

Hope all goes well for her.

Answer 2

Talk to her. Show her as much support as you possibly can (being 200 miles away). Tell her she can call you anytime she feels stressed or like she may want to drink. Assure her that you're not going to give her a lecture, just some chat to help her get her mind off it. Never try to sound like you're scolding. It may make her hide slip ups from you, and turn her into a closet drinker. Tell her YOU KNOW she can do it because many people have, and they weren't any better, smarter, or powerful than she is. Offer to let her give your number to her counselor, if she'd like. Don't be judgemental if she says she's slipped. Tell her it sometimes happens to people who are trying to quit and that she should just start over. Call her every so often and ask her how she's doing. Don't say things like, "Are you stil drinking?" or "Have you gone off the wagon?" That will make you sound like you don't have any confidence in her. Be a friend, as well as a relatiive. If she believes there's someone out there who believes in her, her chances will be a lot better.

Answer 3

Well Andy this is tough. My father's been an alcoholic as long as I can remember, and he's tried and failed more times than I can count.

I guess what I would say to "I wish people would have more confidence..." is, when you think of addicts, more often than not they fail at quitting. It's not your relative's fault, it's society's pre-concieved notion based on majority that everyone is assuming she'll fail. I'd say, "I'm confident in your desire to quit... but I know it's difficult and I understand why other people are leery..."

My boyfriend is a recovering cocaine addict. I've had bouts with it as well, though never needed to go through rehab. WANTING to quit and quitting itself are two entirely different things, Andy.. and just in case your relative relapses, remember; addiction is an entity in and of itself, and unless you've been in that situation you have no idea what it feels like.

When you speak to her, don't ask her if she's "had anything to drink." Instead, say "how are you feeling?" ...it's a much less pressurized question, but still related because addiction is considered an illness.

Good luck...

Answer 4

I think that she needs to first have the confidence and self motivation to change her life. A lot of times when people go through rehab or AA they have to change the people they hang out with because they are bad influences when they are trying to change their lives. She needs to try not associate with those that are not supporting her in quitting because they will eventually be her downfall. Tell her to make friends with others in the same situation and then they can support each other's efforts to quit and stay sober. I commend your friend in recognizing she has a problem and seeking treatment. Tell her good luck and be there for her anytime she needs to talk. You sound like a good friend and she obviously trusts you.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

Let her know that confidence in her will come to her from others a little bit at a time, and the utmost important thing is that she's has confidence in herself right now, she cannot get through this with other peoples confidence what she needs is her own. For a crisis like this she is her own worst enemy and she needs to be confident in herself to fight the battle she will be internally going through. My husband is a recovering alcoholic in his 12th year of sobriety and he relies on himself to keep his sobriety up not other people. She has to realize that people will be constantly changing around her...but the one person she can always count on to get her through tough times is HERSELF, tell her to keep her chin up and be proud of herself she is taking a great step towards a better life for herself. Good luck to you and her.

Answer 7

You might like to look into Thought Field Therapy. It can really help with cravings and stress and anxiety. It will also help her to not be concerned with what other people think.

All addictions mask anxiety, the TFT will treat the anxiety. It would be very good alongside her councelling. It is drug free, pain free and she doesn't have to disclose all her personal issues if she really doesn't want to.

You can find a local therapist at www.thoughtfieldtherapy.co.uk

Answer 8

VERY, VERY SIMPLE: As an alcoholic you need to PROVE that you are trustworthy. Say to her that you love her, and would love to support her. You can however not TRUST her untill she has proven that she can remain on the wagon.

You are not helping her by 'showing confidence' in her, if she is as yet unproven. Join an alanon group if you want to know how you can help.

Love her, but she needs to show all she can stay sober.

Answer 9

Tell her...

Time spend wishing is time wasted.

If people have no confidence in you, show them they are wrong. If all you do is shine and they still feel let down then get them out of your life.

You could spend your whole life trying to get people to appreciate you, but is that really what life is about? Just get out there and do things that make you happy.

Answer 10

Help her to find a local AA meeting place and encourage her to go. Check up on her for a while (in a caring rather than nosey or bossy way) and see that her Support Group is helping. Try to be sympathetic and encouraging - maybe just being there to listen will be all the help she needs. if you have other relatives who can help, try to get them to