How can I ask my boyfriend if he cheats?

Question

Hi,
I've been with my current boyfriend for half a year. He's the first white guy I've dated (I'm Asian) so sometimes I don't understand certain things that he does.
I'm in my early 20s and he's in his 30s so we've quite different lifestyle - we seldom meet and talk - him always not available cos of supposingly work though I find it impossible for someone to be working 24/7. So is it just the culture/age difference or is he hiding something away from me? The thing is I told him at the beginning of our relationship I don't want to be too serious cos I don't have strong feeling about him then (didn't tell him that but obviously, things changed!). We've very happy when together and I know he doesn't do one night stands but not show about affair/fling though. He has tons of female friends so that's quite worrying. Sometimes he's so close to his female mates, that I can't help but think the other way.
So, how can I ask him if he's involved with another without being abrasive?

Answer 1

Maybe just mention that due to the conversation ye had earlier on about you not wanting to be serious - tell him you've changed your mind and was wondering if ye could become exclusive - or has he other women on the scene?
This way you wont sound too obvious in what you're asking - and he has the opportunity to tell you if there are other women.
If he denies other women on the scene - tell him straight out that you find it hard to believe he works all the hours he says he does, and that you were thinking he may be involved with someone else - give him every opportunity to come clean - if after that he still denies it - you either believe him, or do a bit of snooping into where he is .

Answer 2

I cannot see how culture or age have anything to do with this. I suspect he is hiding something, but I won't go so far as to tell you that he definitely is and that you are being cheated on. It sounds suspicious certainly, and I would think he could find the time to spend and talk with you -but on the other hand, I would think the same thing would be true even if he were having an affair. Of course, I do have to ask, are you sure that *you* aren't "the other woman?" Because that would explain the infrequency a lot more.
As for how to ask without ruffling his feathers- there is no way. Either he is going to react negatively to this (90% likely) or he isn't, but there's no trick to asking him and not running that risk. There are thins you should *not* do, like start off accusingly or angrily, etc etc, but no real way to avoid his getting upset if he's the type to be upset about you asking this.

Answer 3

First of of all to you Judy, don't be so judge-mental ALL men DO NOT cheat. Just because you've been cheated on doesn't mean ALL men do it.

Anyway for you paki, I don't think you can just come out and ask without being abrasive. But to be honest it doesn't sound like you two have much of a relationship to begin with. The age difference shouldn't matter, I'd hope by the time a man reaches his 30's he'd be more mature (but some guys never grow up)

I'd just keep an eye on him, and keep your options open. Sounds like you could find someone better. Someone that makes time for and shows interest in you. That's what you need.

Answer 4

If you think he is cheating then he probably is. It doesnt realy sound like you have much of a relationship with him I mean he is always working ya right. All men dont cheat. Most of them do but not all of them. I dont think its because of age or culture or anyhting like that. Maybee he just thinks of you as a friend and doesnt want to tell you because he doesnt want to hurt youre feelings or maybee he is truely buissy with work. Dont you think that if he realy wanted to be with you he would make time for you? If you ask him if he is cheating he is gonna say no. My boyfriend cheated on me when we first got together and I knew it because he was acting different anyway one day someone told me about it and I had been bothering my boyfriend for like 3 months about it and he kept lying untill I told him that someone had told me all about it then he told the truth. He did that when we were together maybee 3 months and he only did it once we have been together 3 and a half years since then and he has never done it again. Now he just goes to work and comes home everyday. Realy if you think he is cheating you should dump him and get someone else Im sure youre not so ugly you cant find someone else.

Answer 5

Believe me, it's more damaging if you aren't direct about it.
No matter what, do not interfere with his friendships with other people- it always seems possessive and makes the man uncomfortable. It's a sign of jealousy and he will resent you for it even if he doesn't admit it.

The best thing to do is simply ask and ask in a normal tone of voice like you would if you were asking what time it was. It's a simple yes or no question- explain your reasons for asking and ask for an honest answer. Give him the benefit of a reasonable doubt- maybe the guy just works alot.
No emotional explosions if it turns out that he was and apologize if it turns out that your suspicions were unjustified.

Answer 6

Hey there`s something going on. Do your own little research,cos` he`s never going to tell you the truth.

But you can talk to him about how you feel,that you don`t like him having lots of females friends.See his reactions. If he doesn`t agree or continue to be working all the time,leave him. There`s a lot of men out there waiting for a nice woman like you.

Because if someone loves you ,he should be always there for you. no matter what. he should dedicate more time for you.
Otherwise he`s not interested ,he`s just using you.Don`t let any man use you.Be strong you can have any man you like

Answer 7

You cant. You cant ask him that. Ever. Either he is and he'll lie and give you a lecture on trust, or he isn't and he'll be so appauled he'll walk out on you. He might even go and cheat on you because you said that! You just have to trust him. Get to know his female friends. I think you just need to face the fact that this guy likes you :D and if you ever do find him cheating on you, revenge sometimes helps, as long as you don't go as far as Lily Allen did in her music video for the song Smile.

Answer 8

Actually some men do work 24/7, but I think you need to move on down the road. It is very obvious that you are not the only woman in his life, but you will never get him to admit to it. If you don't see him much or talk to him much, then he isn't your boyfriend, just a guy you date. go find someone who wants to pay attention to you, and wants to be with you. good luck

Answer 9

If you don't trust him, the issues run deeper than just his fidelity. If you began the relationship on the pretext of being "casual", then he has likely not been faithful to you because you technically never asked him to be.

Don't ask him if he's been cheating on you, because that just paints you as neurotic and paranoid. Instead, tell him that you would like to "become serious and more exclusive" and see if he agrees. If he does, ask if he's been faithful then, simply out of curiosity, "so you can forget about them".

Answer 10

As a fella, if a new girlfirend made it obvious that it wasn't serious then I wouldn't take it serious and would look for other relationships. If she wasn't committed why should I be?

To answer your question, it's not easy, if you ask him stright, he'd maybe lie and say he dosn't. You really need some proof that he's cheating or maybe cheating and then pin him down.