All Puns Intended........some are new, some are not, all have a groan factor.?

Question

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired..

What's the definition of a will? A dead giveaway of course.

Time flies like an arrow...Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Answer 1

i read this, 10 commandments for teens, and 10 ways to ways to annoy tellemarketers, please, please keep them coming!!!!!! =)

Answer 2

...There was a certain bus driver who hated his job, so he figured he would quit. He went up to the personnel office to resign.
...He said' "I am quitting this job, and there is nothing you can do to make me stay!"
...The personnel manager replied, "Please, let's not be hasty. You are one of our most dependable drivers. We really hate to lose you. What problems are you experiencing?"
...The driver vented his frustrations to the personnel manager. Then came the offer.
..."If you try it just one more week, we'll change your route, give you a new and special bus, and since it is Friday, you can take off the last half of today. How about trying it, for just one more week?"
...Feeling somewhat better about the situation, he agreed to try it for one more week.
...He arrived Monday for work, they gave him his new route, and he was escorted to his new bus. This bus was special in a strange sort of way --- it had all these muppet characters all over it, like Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggie, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch. Even so, he made an agreement, so he climbed into the driver seat, and off he went.
...At the 1st stop, 2 very heavy women entered the bus. Each introduced themselves as "Patty". The driver told them to sit down, and they continued on.
...At the 2nd stop, a lady with a lady with a boy named Ross got on the boss. This lady went on and on and on and on about how great and special her little Ross was. The driver, a little impatient now, told them to find a seat, and they drove on.
...At the 3rd stop, a barefoot man named Lester Sheets introduced himself and walked in. The bus driver reminded him that company policy stated he must have shoes on to ride the bus. Lester begged and begged and begged, saying that the bunions on his feet hurt, and that he had no other way to get to where he needed to go. The driver sighed, agreed to bend the rules, and on they drove.
...The driver look in his rear view and saw Lester picking his feet on the bus. That was it, that was enough for him. He stopped the boss, made everyone leave, and returned to the bus lot.
...He went up to the personnel office, and told them, "I really am quitting this time, and you can't make me come back!"
...They asked why.
...He said, "Because you gave me 2 obese patties, special Ross, Lester Sheets, pickin' his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!
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===========>> I added some more

...A husband and wife were vacationing on a tropical island. The man was sipping his drink while lying underneath a shady palm tree, relaxing; he was very content to lie there and just enjoy the ocean breeze. This man did not want to move.
...His wife, however, had very different ideas. She didn't want to stay there at all; in fact, she wanted to go scuba diving, and right now!
...She pleaded with him: "C'mon, dear, stop lying around, I want to go scuba diving. I especially want to find some undersea creatures, and get real close to them!"
...He replied, "Look dear, let's just relax here. And besides, with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"
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...Do you know that modern dentists are trying to get away from using novocaine?
...Yes, they are trying to transcend dental medication.
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...An inventor I heard of created specialty knives, designed for use in the bakery. Well, the bakers lined up 4 of their best fresh-baked breads, side by side. The inventor used his latest invention, and sliced all 4 breads at once......
...Well, what do you know, he invented the world's first four-loaf cleaver.

Answer 3

NICE ONE! HERE ARE SOME FOR YOU! HOPE YOU LIKE IT!


Fun Things to do at Wal Mart

1. Pick up condom packages and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all alarm clocks in the house wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell them in an official tone, "Code 3 in house wares",...and see what happens.

5. Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a caution wet floor sign to a carpetted area.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

9. Look right into the security cameria and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "Pick me Pick ME!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume that fetal position and scream "No Its those voices again!!!!!!!!"

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

15. Go into a fitting room and yell really loud "Were out of toilet paper in here!"



Ways to Annoy Telemarketers

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems;
my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."


9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where
it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.


8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause
as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from.


7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any
friends ....would you be my friend?"


6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.


5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you a case of beer and some chips.


4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your
credit card number to a complete stranger.


3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they
will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When
the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number,
you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say
good bye - and Hang up.


2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you
want to write EVERY WORD down



10 Commandments for Teens

1) thou shall not sneak out when parents
are sleeping.
(why wait?)
2)thou shall not do drugz
(alcohol last longer)
3)thou shall not steel from k-mart.
(Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
4)thou shall not get arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect)
5)thou shall not steel from thy parents.
(every-1 knows grandma has more money)
6)thou shall not get in fights.
(just start them)
7)thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8)thou shall not strip in class.
(hooters pays more)
9)thou shall not think about having sex.
(as nike sayz just do it)
10)thou shall not help old ladies cross
the street.
(just leave them in the middle)

Answer 4

a circumcised whale met 4 skin divers
you can't milk chocolate and pea soup

Answer 5

Still tipsy from last night?

Answer 6

Beer is proof that God love us and wants us to be happy!

Answer 7

that shows how interesting English words are..

Answer 8

Uh.........these puns from sangy.....never expected.......where are those good and hilarious jokes? .............