im in love with someone else and im getting married in 4 mths,but i care to much to hurt the woman im with.?

Question

i was seeing my current girlfriend for for 6 years it was rocky but very passionate she was beautiful and i loved her very much,we had a fight i tryed phoning her to heal the rift she wouldnt answer,the girlfriend i was seeing could not have vaginal sex because of a very small opening.this was never a problem in our relationship the sex was fantastic.
when we split in that time i met a girl off the internet who lived 5 miles away from me we chatted for hours then met,we slept together and after 2 mths she moved in,the sex was good,we got on,after 3 mths she proposed to me,i said yes,we arranged marriage for year later,she sold her home,her choice to pay for wedding,its costing £28,000,i have a future with this woman,kids etc,but i cant help thinking all the time of my ex,i feel so horrible for what i did to her,i sit and cry most nights,things moved so fast with this other woman,that in 3 mths im getting married,i miss my ex i loved her,she wont talk to me,shes not seeing anyone else,

Answer 1

There are two seperate issues here...
Your devotion to your current fiancee'
and
Your ex's devotion to you.

The costs of the wedding may be able to be at least partially refunded if you call off the wedding right now before you let it get too far. You are obviously not devoted to this woman if you are still obsessing over the ex. She deserves to have someone who will have her as his first priority all the time, not as a close second to a memory of an ex.

The ex's devotion to you - there is none. If she will not speak to you it does not matter that she is not seeing someone else. She is not seeing YOU either. Accept that you missed that opportunity and move on, whether it is with this fiancee' (and you find a new sense of devotion to her) or whether you choose to call it off for now and rethink your position entirely. Stop living in the past it is causing you more pain and regret than you need to cope with.

Weddings are stressful.... you may be dwelling on the past because of the stress. Seriously sit down and get past your obsession with the ex and figure out without that distraction in mind if the fiancee' is who you want to be with or not. If not, dont wait to end it, it will hurt you both more later (both emotionally AND financially). If she IS the one, then resolve to forget the ex and make your future wife your priority.

Answer 2

you cant seriously be considering marrying this woman when you're having doubts can you?
It sounds to me like you want to marry this woman coz you can have some kind of an ideal life with her with the kids and the house etc - but what good is that when all you'll be doing is wishing you were with the other woman?
At the end of the day - yes you'll hurt your fiance if you end things - but if you go ahead and marry her - you'll spend the rest of your life miserable - your marriage will probably fall apart anyway resulting in divorce - how will that affect your kids should you have them? You need to look at the bigger picture here - sit down and have a serious serious think - are you sure its in love with this other woman you are, not just in lust?
With four months to your wedding - you have to move fast on your decision - and be sure its the right one.

Answer 3

I think you need to call a halt to this wedding! Maybe eventually you will marry but not sure that it will be to the woman you are supposedly marrying in 3 months.

If you are crying every night then something is very very wrong.

Don't think about how much the wedding costs etc. This sort of thing is not important in the long run. You can't marry feeling like you do.

I don't know how old you are but you don't sound to me like you are ready for marriage. It's much easier to NOT get married than to get divorced, believe me!

Is there no-one you can talk to - a good friend, one of your parents? about your feelings.

You MUST tell the lady you are going to marry that you have doubts. And they are more than doubts, aren't they?I mean where is she when you are crying every night?

Someone who is in tune with you would sense you were upset.

In all things you must be honest with YOURSELF! It is the only way to live.

I hope you can see that you would be making a big mistake by getting married at the moment.

Answer 4

My first husband was a porn addict, supposedly a good Mormon man too. I had a fantasy in my mind that all he needed was to be married and have a good warm woman in his bed, then he wouldn't have this addiction anymore. He promised to stop and never do it again so we got married. After I was pregnant with my first child I found a shirt from a local strip bar crumpled up in the car. He lied and made up some story about a guy who left it in his car. He would often work late (uh huh) and say he was going to be somewhere and wasn't. This went on for years and then my second child, a son, was born. I thought for sure he would want to straighten up and be a good husband, father and example for his son. Nope, the behavior got worse, he got violent and said I was trying to control him. I began finding emails from strippers. Our sex life was almost non existant since he would satisfy himself through porn and strippers. He did not appreciate my body or find me at all attractive since he was comparing me against 18yr olds in porn mags and young strippers with breast implants. I stayed in this marriage 4 kids and 12 years later hanging on and hoping he would change. He was always sorry, always said he would never do it again. He broke my heart over and over again. He also broke my kids hearts when we finally divorced. I am so sorry for your loss and all the trauma you've been through. You should be being supported and loved right now after such a tramatic event. It seems that his attention is elsewhere. I would not wait for him to get help. My hub and I went through many bouts of counseling but he still ended up doing what he wanted to. You're scared for a reason, because you know this is not right. Step back, take some time to really look at how he as treated you. Then fast forward 10 years, how will you feel after this same treatment for a decade. He's showing you who he is, please listen.

Answer 5

Hey Whoa, timeout. That's what you need. call for a timeout. you seriously need to get your head together and work out what and who it is you want, cause it sounds to me like your in a right mess. Forget the wedding, money, houses everything and just think about what you want. Get away for a while even if its just crashing on a mates floor or whatever. Of course your ex is not going to talk to you, cause your like shacked up with another. Reading between the lines it seems that you may still have feelings for your ex. and she may still feel the same. If that is the case or if you still love her then it would be totally wrong for you to marry another. If the new lady really loves you then she will wait until your ready. But don't keep either of them waiting for to long as its not fair on anyone. I hope things work out for you, good luck.

Answer 6

I know you care man, but by marrying this woman you don't really love, you're putting yourself through hell for no real reason. You need to call off the wedding, explain it to her, help her get her house back (or find a new one at the same price), and then go find your ex. Keep trying to get in contact with her. If anything, leave a message on her machine telling her you need to talk, you want to explain things, and that you called off a wedding because you realized you love her, not the woman you met randomly. If she still doesn't take you back after you go after her like that, I'd say move on. too much pain, not worth it, yanno? Good luck, you're in a tough situation there ^^;

Answer 7

Think you have to slam the brakes on here and sit down and think long and hard.... from wot you are saying everything moved far too rapidly and suddenly its dawned on you that in 3 months you are going to be married..... personally i think you are not looking at the true meaning of togetherness.... believe it or not it is not all about sex..... you have to ask yourself some soul searching questions about the woman you are due to marry
Do I like her as a person
Do we have similar interests
Are we best friends..
Plenty more to ask yourself ..... you have to be truthful and honest with yourself.... If you answer NO to any then maybe she is not the right girl for you....
If you do not get married to this girl dont go chasing after your ex.... take control of your life and deal with your emotions and move on.... Good luck

Answer 8

Sorry bud, but you're in deep. Your mind knows what your heart refuses to see. If you marry this woman and continue feeling the way you do, it won't likely get better, and in the end, you'll be hurting her a whole lot more than if you own up now to how you feel.

On the other hand, it may be that you're feeling 'wedding jitters," and coming up with wacky things to freak yourself out with. If you have a close relationship with someone who's like a mentor to you, older brother, father...someone, why not tell them how you feel and see what they have to say.

They may be able to see it more clearly than you do for what it is, and counsel you properly.

Good luck!

Answer 9

Marriage is entered into as a life time commitment. You can not get married to someone and love someone else. It would be better for her to get on with her life without the added expense of a divorce. To carry it out would only hurt her longer.

By the way I think that you are a creep for cheating in the first place and causing this situation. You could very well be your own worse enemy.

Answer 10

Just tell the now fiance, you are having second thoughts and would like to postpone things to make sure of yourself. If she loves you she will understand and then you can sort your head out with the ex. I really don't think you can go back to her. but if you write and let her know that you are sorry maybe it will work out for the best.