Who has the BEST sense of HUMOR ??? Tell me something thats Butt-busting FUNNY?

Question

Give it your best shot !!!

I'm sorry But I dont find the first one funny at all - I never got British Comedy -I think it tries TOO hard - just my opinion

Answer 1

THIS IS MY BEST SHOT:

1. As a man was leaving Minnesota for Colorado, he decides to make a stop at a rest area on the side of the road. He goes in the washroom and sees that the first stall is taken so he goes into the second stall. Just as he sits down he hears a voice from the next stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

While not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road the man didn't know what to say. He pauses a minute and finally says:

"Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

"So, what are you doing?"

He starts to find this a bit weird, but responds anyway:

"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then the man hears the person in the first stall say all flustered:

"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

3. An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, and a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

4. A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

5. Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

6. Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall, two blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We dont have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"



Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends?
Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''



Fun Things to do at Wal Mart

1. Pick up condom packages and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all alarm clocks in the house wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell them in an official tone, "Code 3 in house wares",...and see what happens.

5. Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a caution wet floor sign to a carpetted area.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

9. Look right into the security cameria and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "Pick me Pick ME!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume that fetal position and scream "No Its those voices again!!!!!!!!"

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

15. Go into a fitting room and yell really loud "Were out of toilet paper in here!"



Ways to Annoy Telemarketers

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems;
my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."


9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where
it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.


8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause
as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from.


7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any
friends ....would you be my friend?"


6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.


5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you a case of beer and some chips.


4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your
credit card number to a complete stranger.


3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they
will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When
the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number,
you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say
good bye - and Hang up.


2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you
want to write EVERY WORD down




10 Commandments for Teens

1) thou shall not sneak out when parents
are sleeping.
(why wait?)
2)thou shall not do drugz
(alcohol last longer)
3)thou shall not steel from k-mart.
(Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
4)thou shall not get arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect)
5)thou shall not steel from thy parents.
(every-1 knows grandma has more money)
6)thou shall not get in fights.
(just start them)
7)thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8)thou shall not strip in class.
(hooters pays more)
9)thou shall not think about having sex.
(as nike sayz just do it)
10)thou shall not help old ladies cross
the street.
(just leave them in the middle)


A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, butt-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."


TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

What makes women chase men when they have no intention of marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles when they have no intention of driving.

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher

Answer 2

This guy wakes up one morning to find a black bear in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a bear removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl bear?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Dog, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the bear with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Dog will bite the bear’s balls off and you can shoot him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the bear, shoot the dam Dog!"

Answer 3

KIDS have th e best!!
A relative was having a talk w/her 5 yr old kindergartener after the parent teacher conference. The mom told the kid that she'd had a talk w her teachers and they are a little bit concerned about her behavior in class,especially being a bit too "chatty" and not paying attention when required.
The kid took it all in,thought a bit and replied "You know some of us were having a talk about mothers, and you didn't come out so well."

Answer 4

True story.When I was playing baseball my dad was asked to fill in as umpire.Dad was over 300lbs at the time and not in the best shape.When we got home he was so sore he asked to borrow my ben gay(burning sore muscle ointment)A few minutes later hear a thud a crash and a scream from the bath room.Turns out he forgot to wash the ointment from his hand before he took a piss,it hurt so much he started to cry and wiped his eyes with the same hand.

Answer 5

Butt busting joke..........?

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"

Answer 6

The British.

My favourite joke...


Two nuns are driving through Transylvania, a Vampire lands on the bonnet of the car. The nun that's driving turns to the nun that's the passenger with a look of panic and shouts, "Quick! Quick! Show him your cross!" The other nun leans out the window, shakes her fist and yells, "Get of our car you great toothy git!"

Dawn French, Vicar of Dibley. She ended each show with a great corny joke. And that one is the best.

Answer 7

Too beautiful......this is one for you From the Northwest Florida on a regular basis information comes this tale of a Crestview couple who drove their automobile to Wal-Mart, just to have their automobile destroy down interior the automobile parking zone. the guy advised his spouse to maintain on with the procuring on an identical time as he fastened the automobile interior the lot. The spouse decrease back later to verify a small team of folk close to the automobile. On closer inspection, she observed a pair of male legs sticking out from below the chassis. in spite of the indisputable fact that the guy grew to become into in shorts, his loss of underpants grew to become inner maximum aspects into manifestly public ones. no longer able to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly placed her hand UP his shorts, and tucked each and every thing decrease back into place. On regaining her feet, she regarded around the hood and located herself staring at her husband who grew to become into status idly by making use of... The mechanic, whether, had to have 3 stitches in his brow.

Answer 8

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided to marry her right away. She said, ''But we don't know about each other.'' He said,''That's all right, we'll learn as we go along.'' So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife,he came back & lay down on the towel.
''That was incredible!'' she said.
''I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
''That was incredible!" he said"
she said ''I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both side of the canal.''

Answer 9

Okay .. I'll try . (:

A little boy was talking to his grandpa . He asked his grandpa , whom he thought was a wise person , if god was a boy or a girl . His grandpa thought for a moment and said , " Hm .. Both . " The boy asked his grandpa another question , " Is god white or black ? " His grandpa thought for a second and said , "Both . " Then the boy asked , " Does god love ALL children ?" The grandpa said " Of course he does ! " The little boy asked , " Is god michael jackson ? "

:P ~~

Answer 10

Osama And Bush Are Actually Half Brothers.

Answer 11

Sorry, I have already posted 6 funny jokes.

You will have to look for my picture to read them.