What should I do about my sister in law?

Question

My mother in law wants me to go with her to my sister in laws baby shower... however, I honestly dont want to go, Im hurt because my mother in law has always treated my sister in laws child like she was heaven on earth and treating my child like she is nothing but a waste of time... shes always comparing them and putting my daughter down... I had my son and no one gave me a baby shower, and my mother in law hardly did anything for my son or my daughter when they were born, My sister in law relishes in all the attention her daughter recieves and joins my mother in law in degrading my daughter, All I am able to do is defend my daughter... Im extremely jealous and hurt because of this, and I try to avoid the mother in law and sister in law when they get together because it only makes me feel worse... anyway I know when her daughters baby is born she is going to treat them better as well and it hurts... Should I even go to the baby shower or make up some excuse not to go to keep myself ..

and my daughter from being hurt. Im tired of the both of them making my children out to be not good enough and her child and soon to be other child the greatest thing in the world... I would feel bad for skipping out, but I feel like they both deserve it!!

you know my daughter has extremely low self esteem because of the both of them too... I wish I didnt have to put up with either of them, unfortunatly I must remain cordial... my daughter just told me today that she wished that she had red hair like my sil's daughter and that she thinks that her cousin is prettier than her and shes only four, I try to tell her how BEAUTIFUL and SPECIAL she is but when two other people are telling my neice by marriage that shes beautiful and a little princess and then just staring blankly at my daughter and not saying a word, its no wonder ... Yes my husband doesnt want me to go either he has confronted my mother in law on serveral occasions and it still continues...

Answer 1

I would not go if I were you! I think there needs to be a big confrontation. The next time they put your daughter down, I think you should tell them how that makes you feel every time they say something like that. Good Luck!

Answer 2

The greatest love that your kids should receive is the love coming from you and not from anybody else. You don't need your mother-in-law's or sister-in-law's love to make your children live normal lives. For as long as you love them and they get the attention they need as kids from you, their loving mother, nothing else matters.

I don't know why it generally happens that the mothers would always be closer to the kids of their daughters than with those of their sons. That's why I understand mothers who are like that. I presume that your mother-in-law belongs to that kind of mothers.
And being so, you should now try to understand her. Just don't mind her and your sister-in-law when they degrade your kids. Just see and think of them as "not-so-likable women" around you. Nothing else.

In this world, for as long as you don't harm or hurt others along the way of your existence, you should feel at peace with yourself. You are the one hurting yourself when you get hurt with other people's deeds.

Do your share as a daughter- and sister-in-law. Attend the baby shower and don't get affected by what you will see or hear there. Being a responsible person will give you all the aces and no one can put you down no matter how much they will try to.

From now on, be more understanding of human behavior. This way, you will understand people better and be more considerate of their weaknesses as human beings. And just in time, when they see your good disposition, those who are against you may realize how unfair they have been to treat someone as nice and as understanding as you are. All the best.

Answer 3

Hi, I'm sorry that your Mother in law would seem to have different standards for her daughter's children than her son's children, unfortunately that sometimes happens especially if the mother/daughter relationship is strong. You shouldn't have to defend your daughter to your in laws and if they truly degrade your children, you need to speak openly with your husband and have him tell his mother and sister that he won't permit that treatment of his child or children. As to the baby shower, if you aren't going to be comfortable there, I would suggest not attending. You could make up an excuse or just be honest and let them both know that they make you feel unwelcome so you would rather not put yourself through the experience again. Whatever you decide to do, I would suggest sending a card with a gift. If they are already a bit "unfeeling" toward you and your children, I wouldn't give them additional ammunition by neglecting to attempt to share in your sister in law's joy at having another child. Regardless of the way she behaves toward you, we should hope she has a sincere joy in her children and you would be sinking to their level by ignoring the occasion. A wise man once told me, and I have tried to always remember this: "Never wallow in the gutter with someone, make them come up to your level." Don't know if this will help, but you shouldn't place too much value on anyone elses feelings toward your children. If you raise them with love, compassion, and honesty, both in your words and actions they'll grow to be wonderful adults, with the capacity to ignore the comments and actions of those people that feel inadequate and have to boost their egos by being hurtful to others. Hold your head high .

Answer 4

If your mother-in-law and sister-in-law are mother and daughter by blood, then of course the mother-in-law will favor her children over yours. You say you are both extremely jealous and hurt because of this--well don't be. You are wasting your time. That situation will never change and you are not the only one going through that kind of thing.

If you don't want to go to the baby shower, don't go. Tell them both you want to spend the whole day with your own daughter and then be done with them. Expecting people to love your children if it isn't in their nature to do so is unreasonable and you should know better. To be jealous, shame on you. You are an adult. Divorce yourself from those witches. Stay at home where you are appreciated. One of these days, they will need you. Trust me, they'll come running to you for one thing or another one of these days.

Answer 5

I feel your pain, really I do. However, a baby shower is a celebration of new life, not a tribute to MIL, even though she may try to make it seem that way. When I was in this situation, my daughter and I took an appropriate gift from our family along with an open offer of help whenever SIL needed a hand. We went to the festivities for awhile, then gently pulled SIL to one side, made our excuses and we went on our way. (Went to the park & had ice cream together!!)

Under no circumstances would I recommend riding with MIL or letting her ride with you! You were invited to a party, not to be chief cook & dishwasher -- which is what someone will try to rope you into doing if you are there and they see you unhappy about being there. Does that make sense?

Actually for me, I was able to talk with SIL a bit without MIL hanging onto my every word. We were able to really talk, turns out she's not as bad as I thought. We are working on being real friends now. She's even making MIL stay in line!

Good luck!

Answer 6

You are not requred to go.

Seems to me like you probably had "prior plans and won't be able to attend, I am so sorry". Work on that phrase, make it your own. Then go spend the time doing something that makes you feel good about yourself and save yourself the agony, plus the expense of having to buy a gift - that you didn't want to buy in the first place.

In other words, why put yourself into a position where you are there to honor one of them (your sister in law), but yet that person disrespects you? If it wasn't your sister-in-law would you even consider going? I would hope not.

I never heard of people getting baby showers for any child after the 1st. That's a new one on me and pretty greedy sounding, if I say so myself.

Answer 7

very tough question... first let me say no one should ever make a child feel as though they are not good enough. EVERY child is a wonderful gift. as for your mother in law and sis in law - make a stand and don't be shy no excuses either the only way to make your point is to be completely honest.Tell them your backing out because its taking time away from you and your child's quality time and tell them there is no point in going you wouldn't have fun anyway listening to them down your child is not your idea of fun.

Answer 8

Some times you just have to take the high road and this is one of them! Go with her; be nice; and take an appropriate gift. I wonder what your husband thinks about this situation. Does he feel your chilren are not treated fairly? Perhaps you're just having difficulty "fitting in" with your in-laws. It may take a few times of you bending over backwards to be nice to make them treat you and your children better. At any rate, tell your mother-in-law how nice it was for her to ask you to go. And go with her!

Answer 9

I went through the same thing. Get this! We all went to see my husband after basic training and there was a St. Patties day parade. Gabby (my lil girl) caught tons of bead necklaces. You know how lil girls love dress up. Now faith my niece was not even there (in a total other state across the country) and my in law told Gabby she could not have the pink nickles that was for Faith. WTF? Pink was Gabby's favorite color and Faith was not there. Well I sent Gabby out with my mom to the car and I laid into that women, asking her what her FN problem was? Did she feel less related to Gabby then Faith? What was her problem? Gabby didnt even call her Grandma, instead she called her Faith's Grandma. how wrong is that? She just cried and ran out the door after my husband to tell him how his evil wife yelled at her, I though "Oh god here we go" But my husband just give it to her again. And you know what she know treats Gabby with the same love and attention as Faith. So I would just ask her... WTF is her problem.

Answer 10

Why don't you just tell your mother-in-law exactly what you just wrote? It's hard to just avoid going to the shower and other family events, despite how you feel because of family obligations and responsibilities. I would tell your mother-in-law exactly how you feel, but tell her that if it really means that much to her and your sister-in-law, you will attend but just for a little while.