How do you find the strength within yourself to get over a bad breakup of someone that you loved deeply? I was with him for 7 years since I was 16. He's been the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. About a year ago he strangled me to the point that I actually passed out. I left him, but I wasn't strong enough to stay away. I'm just asking how do I find the strength to not go back? Anyone's welcome to answer, but please, No scriptures. Thanks.
2006-09-17 12:55:34 · 35 answers · asked by Spookshow Baby 5 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
king_of_crusades: can't anyone offer advice from their heart without quoting from a book?
2006-09-17 12:59:35 · update #1
you find the strength by reading what you just wrote
" He's been the best and worst thing that ever happened to me "
now think about that ... what has he given you in your life apart from the negative parts
we all take something from a relationship .. even when it ends .. we learn from it .. we get stronger
an ended relationship is never a failure if you have taken from it
what have you taken sweetheart ?
will you ever let a man treat you this way again ?
will you know real love when you find it ?
will you encourage your children in years to come to be strong individuals and raise them not to hurt others ?
of course you have taken much from this ... let this help you through xxxx
love to you
2006-09-17 13:00:17 · answer #1 · answered by Peace 7 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Wow that's a tough one. Unless you are there due to financial reasons (i.e. your leaving him would mean you would have to go to a homeless shelter, live on the streets, etc) it's going to be hard for most people to relate. Still, I think the primary reason you stay is that somehow you have accepted the idea that you are not to be valued or that you deserve to be treated like a $5 crack-head prostitute. I've been there so I'm not judging you AT ALL. Leaving an abusive guy is hard as hell. Everyone wants to know "why doesn't she just leave?!" people rarely say "Why is this creep abusing his woman then begging to get her back? what a loser!" It's like they don't see his manipulation of her, they have no idea that by the time it turned physical he had broken her down mentally to the point that she felt she deserved it somehow or was lucky to have him. Everyone loves to talk about how they would "NEVER" allow this to happen...yeah right. I would suggest you call a hot line for women who know exactly what you are going through. They are very kind and do not push you. They are there to listen and give you resources. The number is 1-800-799-7233 and I think it's national. Also try http://www.ncadv.org/ which is their website. Since according to the FBI the leading cause of death to American Women is being beaten/attacked by a man that they are in a relationship/marriage with it's important that you keep reaching out like you are. Hope this helped a bit. Take good care.
2006-09-17 13:13:06 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
"He's been the best and worst thing that ever happened to me." -- There is a spot to start - find another man. Just blow the doors off another guy and leave him (or not) and this should reduce the memories of your ONLY guy. Take all pictures and stuff and box them up. Mark do not open (or trash 'em.)
Can you move very far away from his circle of influence?
If you can move comfortably, to an area he does not know - then you can and will build new memories.
No amount of moving will help - because he must be tight with your family, and can get your address and phone number - so of course your concerned for your safety.
I told a dancer that - she can't leave her guy either - because she loved him, even if he treated her badly, (he told her to go dance nude for more $ Sad? I don't know.)
So few can help you because you love him.
I'd suggest never contacting anyone you know, move, but who can really do that. People need their family. People are dying here in SF because they return to the hood and are spotted by the bad guys and are killed. Few can resist the pull to return home, or their hood - and pay for it.
I hope there are better answers because I can't come up with the words. Sorry. Maybe I helped a little?
2006-09-17 13:25:32 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've made your decision, and now you need the support to stick to it. Find a "mantra" like "I'm better off without him than I am with him," or "I might think I still love him, but it is toxic love - like cigarettes or alcohol or too much sugar," or "No - I'm done - we are not together and never will be again." The further you get away from the relationship, the more you will emerge as who you are as an individual. The hardest thing will be to stop kicking yourself for staying with him for so long. When you START saying, "Why did I let myself stay in that mess?" you are almost to the top of the mountain. Keep saying it - keep staying away - and visualize walking over the top of the mountain until it is all downhill! You can do it -- it took me 2 years to get out of a long-term bad habit, and now I just shake my head. It's so wonderful on the healthy side! Good Luck, girl.
2006-09-17 13:04:27 · answer #4 · answered by heylady 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
You just need to be smart enough to say "no". I don't have any experience with your problem (other than being a jerk guy when I was younger, though not physically) but I have needed will power for other issues in my life.
Don't forget what you are leaving. you know, this is all a good argument for dating more than one person in your life.
You could find some kind of a support group. That is all a church is. Talking to other people that have been through the same thing might help you. or maybe you could volunteer a few hours a week at a women's shelter and see if you can get anything out of it too.
2006-09-17 13:03:16 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I've been there, love. The guy never got to the point of strangling me, but he was emotionally abusive and manipulative, and for a while I had a very hard time not going back to him. You've got to cut him off cold turkey; no contact with him at all. Guys like that can be very convincing and very, very sweet when they want to be (I'm sure you know that) but you can't let his silver tongue fool you into going back to him. You KNOW what he did, and it's a good bet he'd do it again. Keep reminding yourself that you are better than this, he isn't worth it, and you deserve so much more. I wish you strength!
2006-09-17 13:07:19 · answer #6 · answered by Girl Wonder 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It's difficult because I don't know much about your situation, but I would just try to think about what it is that is holding you from moving on. Most likely you are going to be able to find that same thing in someone else. There has to be something that you like about this person that's keeping you around him. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You say that he's been the best thing and the worst thing that has happened to you, but that is just up until this point in your life. Tell yourself that he is a stepping stone and that you can find someone who will make you say "Wow, that last guy never came close to being the best thing in my life". Whatever you do, good luck to you. From what I've seen of you on Y!A, you are a really smart woman!
2006-09-17 13:05:42 · answer #7 · answered by ~ Sara ~ 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You've got to make dates with yourself ... invite a few friends if you want (but not necessary). Take this time to evaluate who you are. What do you have available to you now ... were do you want to be in the future --- write it down. Instead of telling yourself, 'I can't believe it's over' change this thought/ words to "What a great beginning I have" --- remember, every ending is just a new beginning.
How to avoid falling back. Well, break up's happen because somethings broke. Unless you BOTH can fix what's broke, then you're wasting your time. Ah, also, too many of us set unreal expectations onto our loved ones. When we do this, we are just setting our loved ones up for failure. If you truly loved him then you would not set him up for failure. Warning this may make you want to lower your wants & needs --- when you lower your standards, you just end up making everyone around you misserable. This is why it's BROKE. Sounds like you've already come to peace with it being broke.
Always remember this : "Love is patient; love is kind. Love is not jealouos, it does not put on airs, it is not snobbish. Love is never rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not prone to anger; neither does it brood over injuries. Love does not rejoice in what is wrong, but rejoices with the truth. There is no limit to love's forbearance, to its trust, its hope, its power to endure"
2006-09-17 13:07:39 · answer #8 · answered by Giggly Giraffe 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Will power. Remind yourself of all the harm he's caused, all the happiness he's kept you from while you were with him, all the freedom and possibilities that are now open to you. Don't think of this as a regretable break-up... think of it as a liberating one. You've admitted that it was a very bad situation, that he strangled you. Don't look back at a relationship like that with fondness. Try not to let the good times influence your perception. Try not to allow the few pleasant memories to make you forget the pain.
It's good to move on to greener pastures. It's good to live your life with your eyes open and looking ahead, not over your shoulder. Remind yourself that you ARE worth something, that you DO deserve happiness, that you WILL find real contentment with a genuinely good person and not the facade you'd been stuck in until now.
2006-09-17 12:56:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Luckily I've never had to deal with a problem quite like this. But, like anyone, I have been in quite depressing situations sometimes. As an atheist with no God to find hope in, I can use logic: Logic dictates that anything is possible (just not necessarily probable), so there's a good chance that no matter how bad things are at any one moment, they'll get better in the future. And of course, the worse they are, the better the chances of them improving more quickly.
2006-09-17 12:59:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋