Anybody know any English, Irish and Scotsman jokes?

Question

I used to remeber loads of them and now they have all escaped me.

Answer 1

an englishman,irishman and a scotsman come across a genie the genie grants them 1 wish each! The englishman wished to be on a tropical island the scotsman wished to be back in the highlands and the irishman wished to have the englishman and scotsman back because he was lonely!

eng/irish/scotsman going to work on an oil rig the boss says turn up with one thing to keep you occupied in your spare time! the englishman turns up woth a pack of cards and says we can play various games with them the scotsman turns up with monopoly and says we can all play and it may last a while the irishman turns up with a box of tampax and says we can do horse riding/rollerskating/swimming

Answer 2

AN IRISHMAN, AN ENGLISHMAN AND CLAUDIA SCHIFFER

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia
Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it
was an old style train, there were no lights in the
carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a
really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer
and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had
happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face
as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have
kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me
instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must
have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman
and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next
time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another
kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'

Not exactly English, Irish and Scotsman, but...

Answer 3

Irish Jokes Rude

Answer 4

An American was visiting the sea shore when he saw an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walking along. For a joke, he yelled, "Here's a silver dollar. . .let's see which one of you is the best swimmer!"

He tossed the coin into the ocean, and the Englishman said, "I wouldn't swim that rugged ocean for any less than a thousand pounds."

The Irishman said, "Sure, and I'll give it me very best." But after five minutes, he had to admit defeat.

They're still looking for the Scotsman's body.

Answer 5

An Englishman,a Scotsman and an Irishman were due to face a firing squad.The Englishman was first to be lined up against the wall.As the soldiers raised their rifles and took aim,he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!"The soldiers instinctively turned round to look and by the time they realized it was a hoax,the Englishman had escaped.
The Scotsman then prepared to meet his doom.Just as the soldiers raised their rifles and took aim,he shouted "Flood!" Again they turned round to see what the problem was,and by the time it dawned on them that it was a hoax,the Scotsman had escaped.
Finally it was the turn of the Irishman who had been greatly impressed by his colleagues cunning ruses and was determined to come up with a similar diversion.So just as the soldiers raised their rifles and took aim,he shouted"Fire!"

Answer 6

An Irish man applies for a job, and gets an interview.
After the interview is finished, he goes to the shops, and finds one that will make a timepiece out of anything...
...so he takes a potato into it. He questions whether or not the shop keeper can turn this vegetable into a reliable time keeper, and he was assured that, though possible, it would take about a week.

A week later, he collects his new clock, and takes it to the place where he had his job interview. He finds the boss, and presents it to him, and asked when he could start work.
The boss is really confused, and so asked why he now has such an unusual timepiece, to which the man replies:
"Well, you said if I could get a potato clock, I could have a job here!"




a potato clock = up at eight o'clock...get it??? Try saying it with the Irish accent- that's why he was an Irish man, the joke wouldn't work with another accent!

Answer 7

Englishman,Irishman & Scotsman in France are sentenced to death by guillotine. The Englisman puts his head on the block 1st & the executioner pulls the lever, but the blade doesn't fall. The governor says ' If this happens 3 times then by French law you walk free'. The lever is pulled twice more & still the blade doesn't fall so he was set free. The same thing happens when the Scotsman had his head on the block & he was set free. Paddy puts his head on the block, the lever is pulled , again the blade doesn't fall. Then Paddy turns round so the back of his head's on the block. The lever's pulled & the blade doesn't budge. 'Aha!!' says Paddy 'hold on! I can see what the problem is!'

Answer 8

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are in a playground when God comes to give them a gift. He says you have been good men all u're lives and I will reward you. Slide down the slide and whatever you wish for you will land in at the bottom and it is yours to keep. The English man goes first and shouts GOLD as he slides down and lands in a big heap of it at the bottom. He gathers it up and runs home. The Scotsman shouts MONEY as he slides down and lands in a heap of £50 notes which he too takes home. The Irishman slides down the slide and as he does shouts WHEEEEEEEE! Need I say more?!!

Answer 9

A Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walks into a pub, the landlord says






"what is this some kind of a joke"?

Answer 10

Limerick court: motorist said he drove into a tree to avoid having an accident.
"Bought his wife a new dress. "Twould have fitted me if could have got into it", she said.
His sister married a Connemara man with a bad leg called Pat.
On the road, asking the way to Sligo, he was told: "Forst left, secon' roight... no, tird roight, torn to the left at the tird crossroads, second fork take a roight... and... er, er. Well, sor, oi wouldn't stort from here at arl, at arl."
Cork undertaker at the door: "Is this where the dead fella lives?"
"Had a very tiring day, said the Knock priest, I haven't sat down all day since I got up."
O'Hara's given up his job at the Bank of Ireland: couldn't stand sitting all day.
Irish gardai sergeant found a dead body in the living room.
An Irish alibi is being on two places at once.

Don't know any with English, Irish and Scots together, sorry, only Irish. And only clean ones!