my daughter misses her dad?

Question

my husband left 4 yrs ago ? we are still good friends , and he pops round frequently and has her over night twice a week,even tho he had an affair for 2 yrs b4 i found out., my 8 yr old. is desperate for us to get back together. but i would never trust him. what can i do.

i dont have a set rota . i let her phone and sleep whenever she wants? and we go out once a month altogether for tea.

Answer 1

My husband left when I was 7 month pregnant with our second child. I would organise set days for her to see her father, make it clear to her that u and he will not get back together again as a couple, but that you are still good friends.
The fact that you and he are spending time together as friends is confusing her. For her sake I would change the way things are done until she is old enough to understand. It will help settle her down too.

Answer 2

All young children want their real parents back together when they get devorce, but they dont realize it is in their best intrest sometimes. Maybe find someone she can look up to that is a male figure. A friends dad for example.

Twice a week at her dads a week sounds reasonable, maybe once in a while you could throw in some extra nights if he wants her.

Or maybe she just wants to go to dads because he doesnt have rules and gives her whatever she wants.

But if she was close to him before you got the devorice then i think she might need 3 days a week with him no doubt about it. Cant punish your daughter for him having an affair unless he is being an bad influnce.

But she is old enough to know WHY you two had a devorice! Might change her mind to know how dad hurt her mom so much.

He was wrong.

Answer 3

Hi,
It is important to share any good qualities that he has with her. She will find out on her own some day, that he lives a life of double standards. That doesn't make him a bad father, just a different one. Remember, she will know that she has his Genes.

My child never new about my husbands drinking, and body slams to me. I didn't allow him into my life except for quality time with his daughter. Eventually, he lost interest in her during his long affair with drugs, alcohol, and the ladies.

She was persistant about wanting him into our lives, and as time passed and she grew older, I told her how Alcohol affected him. She eventually went to live with him at the age of 13. She found out in a hurry about his violence, and he tried to beat her during a drunken rage. He broke windows, and chased her.

Should I have warned her earlier? She was 17 months when we parted. I did let her know that I deserved happiness also.He was a perfect gentleman, and a loving father when he was sober. However, from the get-go, I let him back once only, and he blew it within a year. (With the ladies also).

I am certainly a happy person, and wonder what the hellish life would have been, had I stayed with him. He had numerous drunken reationships. He still blames me to this day for his drinking. Get Real...

My daughter is perfectly happy, married to one person, with four children. Her father is in her life off and on. More off. She said to me more than once. "you did the right thing mom"

I can't imagine that a person could pull off an alternate relationship for such a long time. How cunning, deceptive, and completely self centered. What a jerk. No excuse there, absolutley none. I would never give myself a chance to experience all of those unwanted feelings again. No way.Hang tough. You must make the decision for you and your daughter. What kind of a role model is he...

Answer 4

Can u learn to forgive? Can u see anything that u might have contributed in the break up? Can u have a proper discussion with him on the matter? Don't destroy the innocence of your child.

He loves his daughter. U like him for sure. Your daughter loves him. For heavens sake, make up and get together. Don't destroy yr child.

All the best. I really do hope that the two of you get back. And if u do, send me an email. It will be a happy day for me too.

Answer 5

Now, this doesn't work for everyone, but I know a family who did this and it really helped the children involved. The couple was divorced, but they purchased a home together with a basement suite. Mom lived upstairs with the 2 children, Dad lived downstairs in the suite. They live separate lives, but Dad is there whenever the kids need him.

Answer 6

kids allwasy like that . they just want mom and dad back together. but in real life it usually does not work because of the differences between the 2 partners. it is norm for your kid in that age to wish for these things. it will go away in a year or two , when they start to understand really what is going on. in mean time why dont u talk this out with your ex and arrange that she can spend some more time with him.

Answer 7

I know how you feel its really bad if someone cheats on you , you dont even feel like looking at them,

you did you right thing to let him go good on you, and hopefully you will find the a real man, your daughter is just a child she doesnt know whats right and wrong, perhaps she could stay longer with her dad, but I even think she shouldnt even see the dad, what hes done to you .

Answer 8

You need not go into specific details about the reasons for your split with her dad, but an age appropriate explanation is in order. I married a woman who has kids. My step children's biological dad is still in their lives. They visit him on a weekly basis. My wife explained to the kids that she and their dad did not love each other any more. Even though they both still love you (the kids), they were not in love with each other anymore.

Honesty with you daughter is the best path. An eight year old is probably old enough to understand. If she has problems understading your not loving her dad anymore, compare it to an old toy of hers that used to be her favorite. I am sure she has a toy that she used to love playing with and has since been relegated to the back of her closet.

Good luck talking with your daughter.

Answer 9

Don't get back together for the sake of your daughter it will only make everyone unhappy in the long run. Go with your heart I am sure that deep down you know what you want to do. Good Luck & be happy.

Answer 10

Just be a good friend to your husband and show your dauther that life is better this way than being together arguing in front of her. She will understand soon or later and will except the situation. Also you can be more comfortable to organise your own life with him or with out him.