She is grouded but she keeps going out without a permission.?

Question

I divorced 4 years ago and I got the guardianship.My daughter is 12.A week ago I found in her wardrobe 3 condoms(haven't been used yet).I asked her and she got angry "Why have you been looking in my wardrobe?!".I slapped her.She looked at me and told me I cannot stop her from having sex unless I lock her in the room for the rest of her life.Now she is grounded with no TV,no computer and no cellphone.She is only allowed to go to school and get back home.I told her that and she said OK.Now she goes to school in the morning and returns after 21:00!!!When she comes back so late I ask her where has she been and she says "None of your business".I slap her every time she goes out without a permission but that doesn't help.We live on the first floor and she goes out of the wondows.If I look the windows she goes out of the door.She keeps going out and probably having sex and I can't do anything.Any suggestions please???

Answer 1

Okay, here is what I derive:

Your daughter has some serious issues that require counseling. She has no respect for you or herself. She is self-destructive and needs someone to pull her out of this pattern before she ends up hurt.

Please stop slapping her. It is completely ineffective (obviously) and it is pushing her further from you instead of drawing her closer to you, where she needs to be right now.

I'm not saying let her walk all over you by any means, but you need to build up a relationship with your daughter before you can have a handle on her behavior. Talk to her about how the divorce makes her feel. Don't get angry, just listen. Let her know that it is okay to be upset. Tell her that you love her and that you are worried about her pattern of behavior.

I think your daughter could use some counseling. Have you spoken to the school counselor about her behavior? They might be able to point you in the right direction.

I hope you have success and that your daughter stops any self destructive behavior she may be doing or thinking about doing. Good luck!

Answer 2

First you should try and not slap her every time she goes out with out your permission. Her being only 12 she is only seeing the slap and not the reason behind it.

Yes you are aloud to go through her things if you think she is doing something wrong, you are her parent and need to make sure she is safe.

If she is having sex try and step back and think it is a good thing she has condums, lets hope she is using them to keep herself safe. Then you need to have her talk to someone about other forms of birth controll. YES, I know you would rather not have your 12 year old having sex but if she has started the BEST thing is to make sure she knows ALL the proper ways to be safe and pregent free.

As for her leaving the house with out you knowing, Yes I would lock every window and door(get a dead bolt with a key for both sides and you only have the key) so she can not leave. Then tell her that is why you are doing it. Tell her if you can trust her stay in the house when told, you will have to lock her in. As long as you or another adult is in the house when it is lock. Maybe then she might get the understanding on how important it is. You could also try and alarm on the windows and/or doors so you and everyone else knows she is leaving. Make sure she does not know how to dismantle them.

You could also try and tell her you will give her back something, like her phone or the tv if she stays in the house for a certain period of time and behaves the way you want her to.

If she is not coming home until 9pm at night I would call the cops on her. If you are in the states they most likely will not put in lock up. If might help to get an outside person the help. Someone she might be afraid of. Not someone that will hurt her but someone that she does not know what they will do.

Are you able to drop her off at school and pick her up.? You might try that or have someone do it for you. I know she is 12 but you might try a sitter. Tell her she is acting like a child and you will treat her like one.

Answer 3

I am not going to tell you that there is a serious problem--you know that.

You must make dramatic changes. That means a TOTAL restructering of her life. You have to take charge. Take her to school--pick her up. Make your home into a jail. Change her school if that will help. She has no free time until is is earned back sincerly and slowly.

I don't know what you mean by slapping. But I certainly do not think that twelve years old is too old to be paddled by a long shot. Everytime she even looked funny at me she would be getting another paddling of her life.

It is possible that this may be a case where you all need counseling. However, I hesitate to recommend it until you have really tried some real true effective tough love. Too many times I have seen counseling be counterproductive in actually undermining the parent.

But what you need to do is make this your number one priority--and be just all over this girl.

I wish you luck and strength.

Answer 4

There is no trust, communication nor any sort of relationship between you two.

For her to be 12 years old and you a single parent with gaurdianship, I bet 100% she is having sex to fill in that void she is missing from her dad and a good healthy relationship role model.

What you need to do is go to family counseling. At the same time, get with a few community programs for trouble youth and look into doing some tours to talk to teen mothers. She is at high risk of std's and pregnancy. Much more, ruining her life before it even begins.

As far as "grounding". You can only ground her from so much.

You know what my mom did with my older sister?

My mom would take my sister to school and pick her up. If my sister tried to ditch class, my mom would actually sit in the classroom and walk her to every class to make sure she went. Once my mom went back to work, my sister would ditch again. So, she had campus security or her teacher walk her to every single class and never could go out of class alone. When you are a sophmore and junior in high school, that is highly EMBARRESSING. so, my sister got the message pretty quick if she didn't want the futher embarressment.

You slap her, which pretty much you need to stop doing that. You doing more harm then good. There is no reason to slap her when there is bad outcome of it. Why continue to do something with no good benefit?

As far as home, install alarms on window's if opened and doors if opened. By law, you can't bolt down window's since it is a fire hazard. Can get majorly fined for that. However, you can install cameras and alarms. If she sneaks out, call police to look for her. Know who she hangs with and where they live.

Best bet is to get her help since she is acting out for a reason. She just needs the proper guidance to how to express how she feels in a healthy way.

Get her on the shot since I highly doubt at 12 she will take the pill responsibly. At least you know she is using condoms. Even though that still isn't good enough.

Answer 5

why not operate the 3 feet away response?

take her to school and pick her up from school - but do try and build a more positive relationship with her or she will never trust you again.

kids who turn to sex early often do so as a result of a relationship that has broken down at home - she has been through a lot with the divorce and guardianship award i would wager.

in one respect she is right - if she is determined to do something you cant stop her unless she is 3 feet away 24/7.

the alternative is to gain her respect and trust and share your concerns with her for her to begin to make her own (good) choices.

many girls carry condomns for the 'just in case' because they find it hard to understand that sex is a choice by BOTH partners not just a last minute 'precaution'

i am thinking that at 12 she is rather old for a 'slapping' to be effective - she is an emerging adult rather than just a child - why not try and go with her to parenting classes and the like to try and rebuild both your lives and your relationship?

Answer 6

please stop slapping her! actually many parents have such a problem. first, start spending more time with her. try to convince her to go out shopping with you and from the trip, notice what she likes to browse through and this will give you some understanding of her. teenagers are materialistic, though the extent varies. as for sex, start telling her that she must continue practising safe sex, and explain to her (nicely!) the dire consequences of having unprotected sex, as well as evidence of sex (like pictures and videos-- these must never be kept.), the dangers of STDs, pregnancy and the effects of abortion (like infertility). then as time goes, when there is mutual bond built, tell her how you felt when you found out her habits and why did you feel that way. she may not appear to be listening, but she would have heard it, and even think about what you said. just remember, don't ever raise your voice and especially your hand. teenagers do not like being treated as un-equals.
the unsettling truth behind why she was willing to engage in sexual intercourse with other people is that she was guided into believing that the person would grant her unconditional love and care and so on. maybe she didn't get enough concern from her family, that's why she let herself fall into this. i'm sorry to have to mention this, but this is probably what that's happening.
hope it helps.

Answer 7

When I was that young and getting in trouble... my parents slapping me or grounding me or hitting me always seemed to make things worse... though I would probably do the same thing. I would advise to sit and have a long talk with her. A talk about how you feel about what she is doing and why she feels like she is doing it. That is what I felt most comfortable... but I also didn't listen very well at that age. If you do talk to her and put more strict guidlines so she doesnt step out of the boundaries it will get into her head eventually... you just have to stay persistent and not give up. stay strong!

Answer 8

she's 12 not 16, she shouldn't be even thinking of having sex. Stop slapping her, and restart spanking her. slapping doesn't work since it's a act of losing your cool and showing anger. Next time you think she needs to be slapped, send her to her room for a spanking, pull down her pants and spank her bottom. she's 12 remember, still a child!


she needs to be brought back into check. since she has proved that she can't be trusted, take her door off. and place locks on the windows. also take ALL of her stuff from her and make her earn them back one by one. Follow her where ever she goes, sit with her in class, do not allow her to go anywhere w/out YOU.
Explain to her that she needs to earn your trust back, and that this is what happens when you lose trust with dad.
Be tough dad or she will go from daddy's little girl to daddy's little SLUT!
Best of luck to you

Answer 9

sadly the more rules and restrictions that you put on her the more she'll crave to defy all of them. It a normal teenage stage that girls and boys go through. When teenagers feel restricted with so many rules and regulations, they feel like you are wrong and they are right, so what they think is the way it should be done.

The best way to confront the situation is to sit down and speak to her like the young adult that she is. Speak to her calmy and explain to her ur worries and why u feel what she is doin is wrong . ALLow her to explain her side of the situation. Dont slap her or hit her, try to have a civilize conversation wit her.

After divorce girls tend to find the bond they crave from their dad through relationships with other peers. That's why girls that come from divorced parents are more likely to get pregnant.

GOODLUCK

Answer 10

Lock the doors and the windows. I would start picking her up from school, or having someone close to you pick her up and take her home. Make sure she is supervised all the time. I would also talk to maybe a child counselor or the school counselor and see if they have any suggestions. Good luck.